And I'm back!
It's the day before Thanksgiving, and I'm waiting on this horrific snowstorm that's supposed to hit. I'm desperately hoping that it hits, because it's almost 1:00 a.m., and I'm going to be extremely sad if school isn't canceled in the morning and I don't get any sleep, thus having to wake up with Matthew and do the whole morning routine. But if school is canceled thanks to a nice foot of snow, we can sleep in and snuggle in front of the fireplace! Sounds heavenly, doesn't it?
Ah, yes, so much has changed since 2017. One, we're living in Minnesota now. I was serious when I talked about moving. Nick got a job up north in January 2018, moved up north, and we joined him in January 2019 when he bought a house in Minnesota. The kids love their new schools. Tea has good friends (and an actual boyfriend), and Matthew is really doing well. I'm actively involved with the local NAMI chapter here, and I've taken deep strides with ensuring that my mental health is stable.
Some things don't change, though. Bryan is still living with us. We're having him tested for ASD; his first appointment was yesterday. We'll be busy filling out paperwork for his next appointment, which is the middle of December. He's having a hard time getting/holding a job. I'm hoping that we can get him some help. It's very frustrating watching his life going this way.
Tea will be going to some modeling classes and signing on with an agency come January. They'll be paying for her first shoot and be putting her up on their website. I'm very excited for her, although I'm not excited to be driving her down for her classes. It'll be a 5-hour round trip, plus the 3 hours that she'll be there. I'll have to figure out something to do with that 3 hours. But the outcome will be so worth it!
Matthew is finally going to get some help. He had ABA therapy in 2018, but after September 2018 he had nothing. He's been without any type of help for over a year, and it shows. The Minnesota Autism Center is going to get him intense in-home therapy. We went to one of their offices so they could observe him, and I have a follow-up phone call next week. They already had all the test results that they needed from the UofM.
It still doesn't look like it's snowing. :(
Wednesday, November 27, 2019
Wednesday, September 6, 2017
Wednesday, September 6, 2017
The kids have started school. Tea's doing good, although I'm worried about her being on dance team. Physically it's wearing her down. She feels like she can't keep up and she's not having fun. It was supposed to be a fun thing for her to do. We're wondering if maybe it would be better for her alternate to take her spot. I'm proud of Matthew for how well he's done. At Open House, he had a meltdown that took 20 minutes to get him calmed down enough to get him among people. It took us an hour total to actually get down with the open house that night. But he loves riding the bus, loves school, just seems to love everything.
I kind of wonder how long I'm going to be working. I can't manage to use complete sentences to hold conversations with other people. Today guests were finishing my sentences for me because I couldn't form words. That's not exactly how I want work to go. I'm thinking that maybe Target is more spectacular to shop at than it is to work at. Maybe I just shouldn't be working anywhere, even part time. Maybe I should just accept that my brain doesn't work like a normal person's and I will not be able to do things the same way again.
I kind of wonder how long I'm going to be working. I can't manage to use complete sentences to hold conversations with other people. Today guests were finishing my sentences for me because I couldn't form words. That's not exactly how I want work to go. I'm thinking that maybe Target is more spectacular to shop at than it is to work at. Maybe I just shouldn't be working anywhere, even part time. Maybe I should just accept that my brain doesn't work like a normal person's and I will not be able to do things the same way again.
Friday, August 25, 2017
Friday, August 25, 2017
With our lives so very different now, and Matthew's schedule all thrown off, he's getting hard to handle. He doesn't go to any type of therapy anymore. Nick is home with him all the time and now I work part-time. His days are all messed up. He's becoming super mouthy and argumentative. I feel horrible, because we were getting it all set up that he was going to have ABA therapy starting in September, and now that's going to be put off until we can find out if we're even going to have any type of insurance. Then it would have to be approved. So we're looking at another month, at least, until anything can be done. I feel like he's going to be in limbo. And I'm so angry. I'm angry at a system that's letting a little boy get lost because there's no way to pay for his care. I'm angry at Nick for getting fired. I'm angry at myself because I feel like I'm a failure as a mother. I'm angry at the world just because. I'm angry at being alive. I'm just angry.
Saturday, August 19, 2017
Saturday, August 19, 2017
The school year has ended since my last post, and here we are, the summer almost over for us. Tea starts back to school on the 31st, and Matthew will go back after Labor Day.
I was right to worry about Matthew's dental bill. I have payment arrangements set up with about four different places. In all, I want to say his teeth cost us about $2,500 after insurance. Insurance only paid $25 (yes, you read that right, twenty-five dollars), but they had their insurance write-offs that saved us some.
Nick was still in an incredibly amount of pain over the summer. He was coming home early from work, which really wasn't that big of a deal because his service writer wasn't giving him anything to do. He was having to go to other people looking for cars to work on. Nick requested a change of service writer. He actually made quite a stink about it. Well, between that and what they said was his "quality of work" (read: working in pain on half a leg), he got fired. Right now, he's applying for disability. His leg collapses on him when he tries to get up, 3/4 of the time he can't make it up the stairs, and it's almost painful to watch him try to work on one of our vehicles. He has to sit in an office chair more often than not.
But on the plus side, I got a job at Target. I'll be working no more than 4 hours a day, 20 hours a week. My psychiatric nurse said I really need to get out of the house and do something for me, and now that Nick is home to look after Matthew, I feel ready. The 4 hours a day was the original limit I was given for working. Hopefully, this will keep me sane and won't drive me into a manic phase. Target was wonderful about working around my schedule; I'm going to love working there. I start Tuesday.
So I'm wondering if we'll be able to keep our house now, and I'm making preparations for what will happen in case we don't, and part of that includes Bryan moving out. His plans fell through to move out with friends to the UP. And now that there's a possibility that we might lose our house (no matter how much Nick wants to deny that we can't keep up with the payments), I've been looking at the possibility of moving back up north. Bryan will have to decide what to do with himself, though, because he wouldn't be able to live with us any longer. Even if we stuck around here and we had to move, he would have to find his own place. Everything is just so up in the air.
I'm trying to believe in something bigger out there that has a plan for us, but it's kind of hard to see the light through the tunnel right now. I'm not sure where our lives are headed. I can tell you that after Nick lost his job, I went into Wonder Woman mode, making all the necessary phone calls, filling out paper work, just doing what needed to be done to make sure that everyone was going to be okay (food, health insurance, etc.). But now that all of that has been filled out, and I'm in the waiting game to see where we stand on things, I'm panicking about what's going to happen next.
I was right to worry about Matthew's dental bill. I have payment arrangements set up with about four different places. In all, I want to say his teeth cost us about $2,500 after insurance. Insurance only paid $25 (yes, you read that right, twenty-five dollars), but they had their insurance write-offs that saved us some.
Nick was still in an incredibly amount of pain over the summer. He was coming home early from work, which really wasn't that big of a deal because his service writer wasn't giving him anything to do. He was having to go to other people looking for cars to work on. Nick requested a change of service writer. He actually made quite a stink about it. Well, between that and what they said was his "quality of work" (read: working in pain on half a leg), he got fired. Right now, he's applying for disability. His leg collapses on him when he tries to get up, 3/4 of the time he can't make it up the stairs, and it's almost painful to watch him try to work on one of our vehicles. He has to sit in an office chair more often than not.
But on the plus side, I got a job at Target. I'll be working no more than 4 hours a day, 20 hours a week. My psychiatric nurse said I really need to get out of the house and do something for me, and now that Nick is home to look after Matthew, I feel ready. The 4 hours a day was the original limit I was given for working. Hopefully, this will keep me sane and won't drive me into a manic phase. Target was wonderful about working around my schedule; I'm going to love working there. I start Tuesday.
So I'm wondering if we'll be able to keep our house now, and I'm making preparations for what will happen in case we don't, and part of that includes Bryan moving out. His plans fell through to move out with friends to the UP. And now that there's a possibility that we might lose our house (no matter how much Nick wants to deny that we can't keep up with the payments), I've been looking at the possibility of moving back up north. Bryan will have to decide what to do with himself, though, because he wouldn't be able to live with us any longer. Even if we stuck around here and we had to move, he would have to find his own place. Everything is just so up in the air.
I'm trying to believe in something bigger out there that has a plan for us, but it's kind of hard to see the light through the tunnel right now. I'm not sure where our lives are headed. I can tell you that after Nick lost his job, I went into Wonder Woman mode, making all the necessary phone calls, filling out paper work, just doing what needed to be done to make sure that everyone was going to be okay (food, health insurance, etc.). But now that all of that has been filled out, and I'm in the waiting game to see where we stand on things, I'm panicking about what's going to happen next.
Wednesday, May 31, 2017
Wednesday, May 31, 2017
End of the month already? Somebody's been slacking!
So, what did we do this month? Matthew went in for dental work. We had to take him into the children's hospital and have him put under. He had a partial root canal, 8 fillings, and 4 caps. I can only imagine how much that's going to cost, because our overly fabulous dental insurance only covers up to $1k worth of work. When we went into the hospital, we had already paid the doctor's fee, because we knew the insurance wouldn't cover that, and we thought there would be about $1k of work done. All we knew was that he'd be getting fillings. It was when they actually got him back there and under anesthesia that they discovered how bad his teeth really were. So I'm glad it's done, and he loves the silver on his teeth (he calls them his "shiny teeth"), but yes, I am overly concerned about the money aspect of it.
Nick went back to work after a week. He's still in pain. Tonight is especially bad, which puts him into a mood that's really hard to deal with. The doctor told him it would be awhile until he's out of pain. What is "awhile"? I feel like I need a timeline, because I've been living with this crap for an awful long time. And I'm not trying to make it about me, but when you're living with a man with an incredible temper, you get tired of walking on egg shells.
Bryan is talking about moving out. He actually filled out an application for an apartment the other day. I cannot encourage this enough. He really needs to be out on his own and discover how people really live. He can pay rent and bills here, but it's nothing like it really is out in the world. And I swear, he's determined to blow up his car. He's going to be sad when that car dies and there's not another one just automatically waiting to replace it. He's going to have to buy his own.
Tea gets yelled at so much by her dad now that she asked me why he doesn't like her. It's a hard concept for her to grasp that he just doesn't like her behavior and attitudes. But for a 14-year-old, it really doesn't make much difference, does it?
So, what did we do this month? Matthew went in for dental work. We had to take him into the children's hospital and have him put under. He had a partial root canal, 8 fillings, and 4 caps. I can only imagine how much that's going to cost, because our overly fabulous dental insurance only covers up to $1k worth of work. When we went into the hospital, we had already paid the doctor's fee, because we knew the insurance wouldn't cover that, and we thought there would be about $1k of work done. All we knew was that he'd be getting fillings. It was when they actually got him back there and under anesthesia that they discovered how bad his teeth really were. So I'm glad it's done, and he loves the silver on his teeth (he calls them his "shiny teeth"), but yes, I am overly concerned about the money aspect of it.
Nick went back to work after a week. He's still in pain. Tonight is especially bad, which puts him into a mood that's really hard to deal with. The doctor told him it would be awhile until he's out of pain. What is "awhile"? I feel like I need a timeline, because I've been living with this crap for an awful long time. And I'm not trying to make it about me, but when you're living with a man with an incredible temper, you get tired of walking on egg shells.
Bryan is talking about moving out. He actually filled out an application for an apartment the other day. I cannot encourage this enough. He really needs to be out on his own and discover how people really live. He can pay rent and bills here, but it's nothing like it really is out in the world. And I swear, he's determined to blow up his car. He's going to be sad when that car dies and there's not another one just automatically waiting to replace it. He's going to have to buy his own.
Tea gets yelled at so much by her dad now that she asked me why he doesn't like her. It's a hard concept for her to grasp that he just doesn't like her behavior and attitudes. But for a 14-year-old, it really doesn't make much difference, does it?
Tuesday, May 2, 2017
Tuesday, May 2, 2017
We finished up the month of April! This year is flying by. Tea had her dance recitals April 21 and 22, then prom April 22. I am so glad to be done with all of that. She looked beautiful for prom, and Clayton looked wonderful, too. They were so cute together.
Nick had surgery on his knee on April 28. It seemed to go fine. There was bone growing into the ligament in the knee, which was causing him a great deal of pain. The doctor also took out the lower screw, which was also causing him a great deal of pain. He was super crabby for the first few days after the surgery (it was a different type of pain he was dealing with), but he seems to be doing better now. He's off for the week. He's been playing with Patches here and there; nothing too serious. He just put in a freaking train horn on the thing.
I popped a rib out somehow early Monday morning. I woke up in such pain, and the pain just got worse as the day went on. When I went to bed last night I could barely move, and breathing hurt. Then this morning it was a bit better, but still hard to move and breathe. I made a doctor's appointment, but I went to the chiropractor. He confirmed it was a rib out of place and adjusted me, and I cancelled my doctor's appointment. I'm going back to the chiro tomorrow. I have more faith in the chiro getting me fixed up then I do in any medical doctor taking care of me.
Nick had surgery on his knee on April 28. It seemed to go fine. There was bone growing into the ligament in the knee, which was causing him a great deal of pain. The doctor also took out the lower screw, which was also causing him a great deal of pain. He was super crabby for the first few days after the surgery (it was a different type of pain he was dealing with), but he seems to be doing better now. He's off for the week. He's been playing with Patches here and there; nothing too serious. He just put in a freaking train horn on the thing.
I popped a rib out somehow early Monday morning. I woke up in such pain, and the pain just got worse as the day went on. When I went to bed last night I could barely move, and breathing hurt. Then this morning it was a bit better, but still hard to move and breathe. I made a doctor's appointment, but I went to the chiropractor. He confirmed it was a rib out of place and adjusted me, and I cancelled my doctor's appointment. I'm going back to the chiro tomorrow. I have more faith in the chiro getting me fixed up then I do in any medical doctor taking care of me.
Saturday, April 15, 2017
Saturday, April 15, 2017
I'm so very tired of bi-polar, manic, depressed, autism, sensory processing, anxiety, anger, and every other word that's used to describe what goes on in this house. I realize there's no such thing as normal, but I'm so tired. I'm tired of trying to figure out how to run a household where nothing is what it seems. I've been living with bi-polar disorder since I was 18; I'm now 39. Just when I think I've got it down, something comes along and I'm thrown for a loop. Bryan's been dealing with it since 2009. Tea's been dealing with anxiety since about 2011, and now depression as well. I don't know how to help my kids, and I feel like I'm just fumbling trying. I'm crying writing this. I feel like a failure as a parent.
This morning I couldn't even sit in my glider rocker and enjoy a cup of coffee because Matthew kept ramming/bumping into me. I finally had to come into my office/laundry room to get away. I busted a hump cleaning off the table so that Tea could do her homework there; all I wanted to do was sit down and enjoy my cup of coffee. I feel so selfish for that. Urgh. Maybe a nice long shower is what I need.
This morning I couldn't even sit in my glider rocker and enjoy a cup of coffee because Matthew kept ramming/bumping into me. I finally had to come into my office/laundry room to get away. I busted a hump cleaning off the table so that Tea could do her homework there; all I wanted to do was sit down and enjoy my cup of coffee. I feel so selfish for that. Urgh. Maybe a nice long shower is what I need.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)