Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Pill Box, Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Saturday, November 1, 2014
My days are pretty good now. It seems that Thursdays, however, seem to be my bad days. I always feel out of control and overwhelmed. I don't know why I feel that way on Thursdays, but there it is.
Matthew's birthday is in a week. I have his little party all planned out. We're having each set of grandparents come down and auntie H and uncle W come over. I'm making two roasts, mashed potatoes, carrots, and mac&cheese. Then I ordered a cake. I also have balloons that I ordered off ebay that WalMart will blow up. I'm not decorating much. I want to keep it small. I'm tired of trying to do huge birthdays and having them blow up in my face. And with so many birthdays around Matthew's birthday, it made sense just to keep it small anyway.
It was kinda funny that I was disappointed when this week's DBT group was canceled. I didn't realize that I'd already come to depend on the night out with others who were like me. *Like me* being the operative term in that sentence. I keep trying to do things with the Mom's Group, and I just feel so out of place. I don't know if it's my social anxiety or just that I'm not a likeable person, but I just can't seem to find my place in with the mom's group.
Matthew's birthday is in a week. I have his little party all planned out. We're having each set of grandparents come down and auntie H and uncle W come over. I'm making two roasts, mashed potatoes, carrots, and mac&cheese. Then I ordered a cake. I also have balloons that I ordered off ebay that WalMart will blow up. I'm not decorating much. I want to keep it small. I'm tired of trying to do huge birthdays and having them blow up in my face. And with so many birthdays around Matthew's birthday, it made sense just to keep it small anyway.
It was kinda funny that I was disappointed when this week's DBT group was canceled. I didn't realize that I'd already come to depend on the night out with others who were like me. *Like me* being the operative term in that sentence. I keep trying to do things with the Mom's Group, and I just feel so out of place. I don't know if it's my social anxiety or just that I'm not a likeable person, but I just can't seem to find my place in with the mom's group.
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Just because I'm feeling better doesn't mean I don't have my hard days. Today is a hard day. I literally am having a difficult time taking care of Matthew. I don't feel like I can do it. I'm counting down until nap time. I'm going to do some yoga when he goes down. Then maybe I'll take a nap, too. We went to his ABC for Kids this morning, and it was a complete disaster. He just ran around like a little monkey and didn't listen to directions at all. I don't know what I actually expected out of him. Right now he's eating the quesedilla I made him for lunch, and I let him basically just tear apart the house because I just don't care right now.
Monday, October 20, 2014
Monday, October 20, 2014
I gotta tell ya, by 8:00 this morning, I was wishing it was nap time. I had a feeling it was going to be one of "those" days, and I really didn't want that. So I sat Matthew in his high chair in the living room, gave him some pears and toast, and hopped into the shower with the door open. I'd peek out occasionally and he'd laugh at me. He was still working on his toast when I got out of the shower (yep, I was that fast), so I let him out of his high chair while I went up and got dressed. When I came downstairs, we went to Target. I figured I needed yogurt bites, and Target was as good a place as any to get them. The drive to Stillwater is longer than the drive to New Richmond (Wal Mart). We like Target. And it would just kill time. We ended up getting yogurt bites, teddy grahams, and an air freshener for my car. When we got home, Matthew turned into Hurricane Matthew. He unloaded the lazy susan and lined everything up in the dining room. Then he helped me unload the dishwasher. Then he started loading things into the oven. When I put him into baby jail so I could clean up his mess in the dining room (which I wanted to take a picture of, but Tea borrowed my camera and hasn't returned it yet), he proceeded to unload his toy box all over the living room and drive the toy box around. He was a busy, busy boy. I waited until he got crabby before giving him a bottle and changing him. Then I put him down for a nap. I could hear him playing in his crib for awhile before finally falling asleep. You know, that was just over an hour ago. I'm afraid of what he's going to be like when he wakes up. He could still be Hurricane Matthew, he could be Crabby Matthew, or he could just be Calm Matthew. I know which one I'm hoping for, and it's not the first two!
I'm starting to feel less depressed. I think the Prozac is finally kicking in. The psychiatric nurse kicked up the dosage to 30 mg, and she took me off the Latuda. I've also been practicing yoga, which helps immensely. It's something that I can do at home, and I found this beginner's relaxation yoga video. I also still try to hit the gym, but the yoga is just amazing. I've also lost 4 pounds, and I'd like to think that's because of all the water that I've been drinking lately. So it's nice to start feeling good again.
I'm starting to feel less depressed. I think the Prozac is finally kicking in. The psychiatric nurse kicked up the dosage to 30 mg, and she took me off the Latuda. I've also been practicing yoga, which helps immensely. It's something that I can do at home, and I found this beginner's relaxation yoga video. I also still try to hit the gym, but the yoga is just amazing. I've also lost 4 pounds, and I'd like to think that's because of all the water that I've been drinking lately. So it's nice to start feeling good again.
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Today was a good day, and I think it's really important to remember the good days. It didn't start out so great. Matthew woke up just after 7, and I had very little patience with him. He was incredibly crabby because he wasn't feeling well, and I just couldn't take it. I ended up turning on the Top 20 Countdown for him, which is proven to calm him down. Between that and a bottle, he became more bearable. I woke up Nick just after 9 to take over on Matthew duty, and then I got to sleep in until almost 11.
I had to go to Target to fill a prescription. While I was waiting for my prescription, I sat at the Starbucks there, had a coffee, and surfed my Facebook. It was fabulous just taking the time out and doing nothing. It made me so relaxed. Then I got to come home. Not so relaxed at home. Matthew is still crabby because he doesn't feel well. He's been crabbing all afternoon. Nick is in some sort of weird mood. I hate it when Nick is in a mood, because it throws off everyone in the house. I'm not sure if he realizes how much he affects everyone. (Is it affects or effects?)
I had to go to Target to fill a prescription. While I was waiting for my prescription, I sat at the Starbucks there, had a coffee, and surfed my Facebook. It was fabulous just taking the time out and doing nothing. It made me so relaxed. Then I got to come home. Not so relaxed at home. Matthew is still crabby because he doesn't feel well. He's been crabbing all afternoon. Nick is in some sort of weird mood. I hate it when Nick is in a mood, because it throws off everyone in the house. I'm not sure if he realizes how much he affects everyone. (Is it affects or effects?)
Saturday, October 18, 2014
Saturday, October 18, 2014
I haven't written, because I thought, who wants to hear somebody complain all the time? Then I remembered that this is a blog for me, and it's cathartic, and if I want to write and complain, that's what I'm going to do.
Things have been hard. As in, seeing my therapist twice a week, doing check-in calls, considering the hospital hard. I've been trying to make life as "normal" as possible. I've been going out and doing things with the mom's group. I've started doing yoga (I found a beginner's video on youtube that I really like) and am trying to get to the gym. But the days with Matthew are still hard, and I find myself getting frustrated easily. I had a day the other day where I felt like overdosing on pills, which is something drastic that I would have done in the past. Instead I took a nap, had some chamomile tea, and cleaned the bathroom sink. I'm trying to find healthy ways to deal with all of these feelings, but I feel like people don't understand how hard I'm struggling. I feel like something drastic would make people understand how hard I am struggling. But I know that's stupid. Well, my wise mind knows that's stupid.
Yes, wise mind. I started the DBT program. I've only been there once, but I like it so far. The people are very open and welcoming. The subject matter is interesting. I'm hoping that between the program and therapy I can get what I need.
Matthew is suffering one heck of a cold right now, so I've kept him home from things we were supposed to do. On Thursday he was supposed to have ABC for Kids (which is agility, balance, coordination), and we stayed home from that, and we were supposed to go to mom's group. Instead we went to the doctor because Matthew was pulling on his ears and I was concerned he had an ear infection to go along with his cold. But it's only a cold. His nose is nasty and he has one heck of a cough, but he'll be okay. He's crabby, but hopefully he'll be better soon. I put him in steamy showers to hopefully loosen everything up, and I bought tissues with lotion in them to be more gentle to his tiny nose.
Things have been hard. As in, seeing my therapist twice a week, doing check-in calls, considering the hospital hard. I've been trying to make life as "normal" as possible. I've been going out and doing things with the mom's group. I've started doing yoga (I found a beginner's video on youtube that I really like) and am trying to get to the gym. But the days with Matthew are still hard, and I find myself getting frustrated easily. I had a day the other day where I felt like overdosing on pills, which is something drastic that I would have done in the past. Instead I took a nap, had some chamomile tea, and cleaned the bathroom sink. I'm trying to find healthy ways to deal with all of these feelings, but I feel like people don't understand how hard I'm struggling. I feel like something drastic would make people understand how hard I am struggling. But I know that's stupid. Well, my wise mind knows that's stupid.
Yes, wise mind. I started the DBT program. I've only been there once, but I like it so far. The people are very open and welcoming. The subject matter is interesting. I'm hoping that between the program and therapy I can get what I need.
Matthew is suffering one heck of a cold right now, so I've kept him home from things we were supposed to do. On Thursday he was supposed to have ABC for Kids (which is agility, balance, coordination), and we stayed home from that, and we were supposed to go to mom's group. Instead we went to the doctor because Matthew was pulling on his ears and I was concerned he had an ear infection to go along with his cold. But it's only a cold. His nose is nasty and he has one heck of a cough, but he'll be okay. He's crabby, but hopefully he'll be better soon. I put him in steamy showers to hopefully loosen everything up, and I bought tissues with lotion in them to be more gentle to his tiny nose.
Friday, October 10, 2014
Friday, October 10, 2014
Was it easier being a mom when Matthew was just a baby? I don't remember. All I know is that it's very difficult now, to the point where I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to listen to the screaming and crying and whining. I just want to put him in his crib all day and let him complain up there. Of course I don't. I keep him with me and try to keep him entertained. We watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse when it's on, because that's one of his favorite shows. We go out shopping together, because he likes to get out of the house. When it's nice out we go to the park. But there are times like now, when I've just had too much, when I feel like I'm going to snap, when I put him in his crib so that I can take a time out. It's hard since I no longer smoke. That used to be my time out time. I'd take Matthew and put him in his outside baby jail and smoke from a far enough spot away that he wouldn't get the second hand smoke. He loved being outside, I loved the break, and everything was okay again. Man, I miss smoking. So now I'm trying to find ways to take these little breaks without freaking out.
I feel like such a bad mother. I wanted Matthew so bad, and yet it seems like I really don't want him. I think it's just more difficult as an older mother than I imagined. You'd think because I've done this twice before that it would be that much easier. It's not. It just seems to be harder. I'm fighting my bipolar disorder. I'm fighting what I feel is extended post partum depression. I'm fighting intrusive thoughts. I'm fighting, fighting, fighting. I'm sick of fighting it all. I just want to feel better and be the mom that I know I can be.
I feel like such a bad mother. I wanted Matthew so bad, and yet it seems like I really don't want him. I think it's just more difficult as an older mother than I imagined. You'd think because I've done this twice before that it would be that much easier. It's not. It just seems to be harder. I'm fighting my bipolar disorder. I'm fighting what I feel is extended post partum depression. I'm fighting intrusive thoughts. I'm fighting, fighting, fighting. I'm sick of fighting it all. I just want to feel better and be the mom that I know I can be.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Thursday, October 9, 2014
It's that time of the week where the depression hits me ferociously. I feel like a bad mother, a bad person. I'm sunk into this pit of despair and I'm having a hard time pulling out of it. I just put Matthew down for a nap and now I feel like crawling under a rock and just staying there. Instead I'm sitting on the couch in what sunlight I can, typing out how I feel. I feel like tanning again, meds be damned.
My house desperately needs to be cleaned. There's so much I wanted to do while Matthew was gone last week, and I got none of it done. I really could've had him gone for another week easily without feeling guilty about it. I guess I'm just going to assign chores to the kids so that things get done that need to be done.
On the plus side, the cats are getting along better. Ow has made his way upstairs. Jasper is currently in the living room letting Ow play with him (with a minimum of hissing). It took awhile, but it's happened - they're getting along! And the dogs no longer want to eat Ow, so that's always a positive.
My house desperately needs to be cleaned. There's so much I wanted to do while Matthew was gone last week, and I got none of it done. I really could've had him gone for another week easily without feeling guilty about it. I guess I'm just going to assign chores to the kids so that things get done that need to be done.
On the plus side, the cats are getting along better. Ow has made his way upstairs. Jasper is currently in the living room letting Ow play with him (with a minimum of hissing). It took awhile, but it's happened - they're getting along! And the dogs no longer want to eat Ow, so that's always a positive.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
After the day I've had with Matthew, I sometimes wonder if I'm just too old to be a mother to a 2-year-old. I have zero patience with him. I can't take the whining and the crying. I want him to listen, which we all know he doesn't do at this age. And then I wonder why other's children listen and mine doesn't. I've seen a 2-year-old who will follow simple orders. Matthew runs the opposite way from following orders. I'm just so frustrated. I know I'm not a good mother with him. I ignore him when I can. I'm not as gentle as I could be with him when he's acting up. I'm nothing like those other mothers that I'm constantly comparing myself to. Maybe that's why he's such a monster for me: because I'm a monster to him.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Sunday, October 5, 2014
The intrusive thoughts have been happening more and more often, and they're getting bad again. I keep picturing things happening to Matthew (like him suffocating himself with a plastic bag while trying to take a nap) or to Nick (a machine falling on him while he's working in the garage). I can't relax when these thoughts come on and it causes all sorts of anxiety. I don't remember how to talk myself out of these thoughts anymore, either. I don't remember the positive thoughts that I'm supposed to remember, because it doesn't seem to work when I'm having these intrusive thoughts anymore.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Matthew is off with my in-laws, and I have to say, it's been peaceful and nice. Yesterday I was able to do my chores, go to the gym, hang out without having to worry about interrupting naptime, etc. I miss him dearly, but it's been super peaceful. The funny thing is that I've been waking up earlier without him here, which is just odd. Normally with him here I just want to sleep in. I don't want to get up and start the day. These past few days I've been up and ready to go. Dressed, coffee started, etc.
Today I have an appointment with my therapist and then get to rush off to an appointment with my psychiatric nurse. I think after those appointments I'll head to the gym. I know before the appointments I have to drop off clothes for Five Loaves. Their clothing area is under construction right now, but the sign on the door says that you can drop clothes off with the food shelf.
Today I have an appointment with my therapist and then get to rush off to an appointment with my psychiatric nurse. I think after those appointments I'll head to the gym. I know before the appointments I have to drop off clothes for Five Loaves. Their clothing area is under construction right now, but the sign on the door says that you can drop clothes off with the food shelf.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Today is my birthday, and it has been a wonderful birthday weekend. Last night Nick and I went out to Brady's for dinner. We originally went there because they were supposed to have a band, but hell if either of us knew where the band was. When we were done eating and went outside, we could hear music from somewhere, but we weren't sure where. Oh, well. The food was okay, and I kept the alcohol coming (not that Nick was discouraging that any). When we were done with dinner, we went by the movie theater to check out what movies were playing. The only one I wanted to see didn't start for another hour, so we went back to Somerset. We ended up going to General Sam's and playing darts and pool (and we kept the drinks coming for me). Let me tell you, I had more to drink last in one night than I've had like that in years. I had so much fun. I miss doing stuff like that. I beat Nick in two games of darts (he got me in three), and he kicked my ass at pool. We made it home by 10:30, and by midnight I was paying dearly for all the alcohol I had consumed. It was all good, though, because I slept soundly through the night.
Today Nick's mom came down and Nick and I went to the quilt show, which I consider repayment for all those car shows I'm always going to. Then we had lunch at Birkmose Park, which is my favorite park out of all of them. We just brought Taco Johns there. It was fun. I had us lay down in the leaves and took a picture.
After the park we went to Goodwill and I tried on 10 different tops. Carol had bought me 2 infinity scarves for my birthday, and I wanted some tops to wear them with. Out of the 10 tops, I liked 5 of them. Plus I got a puffy vest. So maybe this fall I can start dressing a little more fashionably. Maybe I can start feeling a little better about myself.
Carol took Matthew home with her. He'll be there until Saturday. I'm going up Friday for a birthday party, then I'll spend Friday night at Mom's house and pick up Matthew on Saturday morning. By then I'll probably be more than ready to pick him up. Part of me felt guilty putting him in that car seat and sending him off today. I wondered if he cried when Carol drove off, or if he was confused when I wasn't going with him. He was so quiet and still when I put him in the car seat, which he usually only is when he's not sure about a situation. I can only hope that he'll be fine.
Today Nick's mom came down and Nick and I went to the quilt show, which I consider repayment for all those car shows I'm always going to. Then we had lunch at Birkmose Park, which is my favorite park out of all of them. We just brought Taco Johns there. It was fun. I had us lay down in the leaves and took a picture.
Carol took Matthew home with her. He'll be there until Saturday. I'm going up Friday for a birthday party, then I'll spend Friday night at Mom's house and pick up Matthew on Saturday morning. By then I'll probably be more than ready to pick him up. Part of me felt guilty putting him in that car seat and sending him off today. I wondered if he cried when Carol drove off, or if he was confused when I wasn't going with him. He was so quiet and still when I put him in the car seat, which he usually only is when he's not sure about a situation. I can only hope that he'll be fine.
Friday, September 26, 2014
Friday, September 26, 2014
I am having a perilously hard day today. I feel mean and depressed at the same time. I'm sick of these dogs all over me all the time. I feel impatient with Matthew and his crabbiness. I know that his moods reflect my own (they always have), and that I need to calm down in order for him to calm down, but I just can't manage it. I'm tired of my house being a total pigsty, but I have no desire to do anything to change it. I can't tell you how long it's been since anything has been vacuumed. And the living room table hasn't been cleaned off in God knows how long. I'm just sick of it all. It makes me growl.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
It's funny how I can question my love for my children, but then something happens and I hop into super-mommy mode. Matthew started puking last night, and I held him close to me and brought him into the bathroom to shower. He started puking again, and I just held him some more, letting it get on me. After I got him into the shower, I started cleaning up. When I had cleaned up the bathroom, I had Nick watch Matthew in the shower while I cleaned up the living room. In all that time, there was never a feeling of resentment, just love and pity that Matthew was having to go through this. He looked so miserable right before he puked (and I knew he was going to just by the look on his face). It makes me feel relieved to have those feelings, especially after the ones that I have when I question my love.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
I've been working in my Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, and I'd like to put down some skills that I want to remember here.
Radical Acceptance Coping Statements
I can't change what's already happened.
It's no use fighting the past.
The present is the only moment I have control over.
It's a waste of time to fight what's already occurred.
Distract Yourself With Tasks and Chores
Clean out your closet and donate your old clothes.
Redecorate a room or at least the walls.
Go get a manicure or pedicure, or both.
Go get a massage.
Wash your or someone else's car.
Mow the lawn.
Wash the laundry.
Clean the bathtub and then take a bath.
Water your plants or work in the garden.
Pay the bills.
Go to a support meeting, like NA, AA, or OA.
Create Your Distraction Plan
Take deep breaths, counting them.
Do my fingernails - cutting, polishing, etc.
Imagine my wildest fantasy come true.
Sing.
Exercise.
Go out for coffee and shopping.
Take a drive somewhere.
Take a shower.
Cry.
Write letters that I'll never send.
Relaxation and Soothing Skills to Use Away From Home
Go to Starbucks and get a coffee
Go down to the Apple River and listen to the water
Walk down by the St Croix River
Take pictures to create a book
Take a walk by the river in Hudson
Listen to music while walking with Matthew
Keep hard candy or suckers in my purse
Wear perfume at all times
Wear my comfy clothes on hard days
Keep my WI Dells sweatshirt in my car
I am actually wearing my comfy clothes today. We've been home all day today. There was nothing on the calendar scheduled for today, and I just felt tired and blah. I dozed on the couch off and on all morning while Matthew played. He actually snuggled with me off and on, too. That was a pleasant surprise. Then he head butted me again, in the same spot he head butted me on my nose as last time. Man, it hurt. I just buried my head in my hands and didn't give him a reaction. I figured maybe if he doesn't get a reaction out of me, he'll stop head butting me. I guess I can hope.
Five things I'm thankful for today:
1. The cats are finally not hissing at each other all the time.
2. Nick has a good job that supports us.
3. I'm healthy and able-bodied.
4. I have a good support system.
5. My kids have spirit.
Radical Acceptance Coping Statements
I can't change what's already happened.
It's no use fighting the past.
The present is the only moment I have control over.
It's a waste of time to fight what's already occurred.
Distract Yourself With Tasks and Chores
Clean out your closet and donate your old clothes.
Redecorate a room or at least the walls.
Go get a manicure or pedicure, or both.
Go get a massage.
Wash your or someone else's car.
Mow the lawn.
Wash the laundry.
Clean the bathtub and then take a bath.
Water your plants or work in the garden.
Pay the bills.
Go to a support meeting, like NA, AA, or OA.
Create Your Distraction Plan
Take deep breaths, counting them.
Do my fingernails - cutting, polishing, etc.
Imagine my wildest fantasy come true.
Sing.
Exercise.
Go out for coffee and shopping.
Take a drive somewhere.
Take a shower.
Cry.
Write letters that I'll never send.
Relaxation and Soothing Skills to Use Away From Home
Go to Starbucks and get a coffee
Go down to the Apple River and listen to the water
Walk down by the St Croix River
Take pictures to create a book
Take a walk by the river in Hudson
Listen to music while walking with Matthew
Keep hard candy or suckers in my purse
Wear perfume at all times
Wear my comfy clothes on hard days
Keep my WI Dells sweatshirt in my car
I am actually wearing my comfy clothes today. We've been home all day today. There was nothing on the calendar scheduled for today, and I just felt tired and blah. I dozed on the couch off and on all morning while Matthew played. He actually snuggled with me off and on, too. That was a pleasant surprise. Then he head butted me again, in the same spot he head butted me on my nose as last time. Man, it hurt. I just buried my head in my hands and didn't give him a reaction. I figured maybe if he doesn't get a reaction out of me, he'll stop head butting me. I guess I can hope.
Five things I'm thankful for today:
1. The cats are finally not hissing at each other all the time.
2. Nick has a good job that supports us.
3. I'm healthy and able-bodied.
4. I have a good support system.
5. My kids have spirit.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
The marriage counselor suggested that every day I post five things that I am grateful for to try and change my way of thinking, so here goes:
1. I am grateful Matthew has legs to throw his temper tantrums with.
2. I am grateful for the snuggles the new kitty gives me.
3. I am grateful for the roof over my head and the food in my belly.
4. I am grateful that my daughter is willing to try new things (like currently coloring my hair).
5. I am grateful for diapers, both for children and adults.
I made a list of things I've accomplished today, and on that list I put going into Target today for about 45 minutes and only coming out with the prescription that I went in there for. That's a huge accomplishment! Matthew and I wandered around and looked at Halloween costumes, toys, women's clothes, and I also folded some of the women's jeans and put them back in order. I kind of miss working in retail.
1. I am grateful Matthew has legs to throw his temper tantrums with.
2. I am grateful for the snuggles the new kitty gives me.
3. I am grateful for the roof over my head and the food in my belly.
4. I am grateful that my daughter is willing to try new things (like currently coloring my hair).
5. I am grateful for diapers, both for children and adults.
I made a list of things I've accomplished today, and on that list I put going into Target today for about 45 minutes and only coming out with the prescription that I went in there for. That's a huge accomplishment! Matthew and I wandered around and looked at Halloween costumes, toys, women's clothes, and I also folded some of the women's jeans and put them back in order. I kind of miss working in retail.
Monday, September 15, 2014
Monday, September 15, 2014
When a man does not know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind. ~Seneca
This is my problem. I don't know which harbor I'm heading for. Therefore my wind isn't the right one. I just need to find my harbor.
This is my problem. I don't know which harbor I'm heading for. Therefore my wind isn't the right one. I just need to find my harbor.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Sunday, September 14, 2014
I understand why women run out on their families. I look at my kids and wonder how I've ruined them. I can't talk to my husband. I'm tired of everyone thinking I'm going through a phase. Maybe I am going through a phase, but it's very real to me right now. And who knows how long I'll be going through it? In the mean time, I'm thinking not very nice thoughts about my husband and children, and I just want to get the fuck out of here. I want to take some money, leave my phone, and just drive off to where no one can find me. I don't want any responsibilities. I'm tired of the grocery shopping, tired of the laundry, tired of making sure the kids have everything they need. I'm tired of hearing "Mom" all the time. What happened to being "Amanda"?
I was hoping that joining a mom's group would give me some outlets to get away and give me some better feelings about being a mother, but so far it's just made me feel even more disconnected. I don't feel like these other mothers. They seem so put together and happy. I feel like a big loser. They seem happy with their lives and their children. I feel even more miserable as I talk to them. I'm hoping that if I give it more time, I'll get to know them better, see faults in them like I see in me. Make them more human. I need to see people that are more human. Not miserable, just with faults like I feel there are so many in me.
I was hoping that joining a mom's group would give me some outlets to get away and give me some better feelings about being a mother, but so far it's just made me feel even more disconnected. I don't feel like these other mothers. They seem so put together and happy. I feel like a big loser. They seem happy with their lives and their children. I feel even more miserable as I talk to them. I'm hoping that if I give it more time, I'll get to know them better, see faults in them like I see in me. Make them more human. I need to see people that are more human. Not miserable, just with faults like I feel there are so many in me.
Monday, September 8, 2014
Monday, September 8, 2014
I was super depressed on Saturday. I couldn't handle it. I went over to Holly's house for a while, and just being with her was enough to lift it. Then I went home, got Matthew, and we went to Starbucks and then to the beach. I let him play with his sand toys, and I buried my feet in the sand. It was relaxing.
On Sunday we got a new kitten. It's Matthew's kitty. The loss of Reeses was just too much. We're not replacing Reeses with this kitty, but it's just like we needed a new life in the house. Something to look forward to coming home to. I still swear I see Reeses in the house. Anyway, Matthew followed this kitty around saying, "Ow, ow," which is how he says Meow. So the kitty's name is Ow. Matthew named his own kitten. Here's a picture of the little guy. He weighs 2 pounds 13 ounces and is about 10 weeks old.
Ow is about as far from Reeses as you can get, looks wise. I was kind of hoping for another Himalayan cat, but like Nick pointed out, we had health issues with Reeses, and we had health issues when we had Glen, who was also a pure-bred of sorts, so we might as well get a good-old barn cat. Like Jasper. We've had no health issues with Jasper. I did take Ow to the vet today and had the full work-up done on him. They gave him something for his ear mites (and in case he has worms), did a feline HIV test (it was negative), and gave me some medicine for his diarrhea. He's using the litter box like a champ, which I was not expecting from a barn cat.
Enough about the kitten. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, and thankfully, it'll be mostly good stuff to report. Bryan also has a dentist appointment and Tea has a therapy appointment, both at the same time, so good thing they're both in the same building.
I started going to a mom's group. I'm hoping to make friends! Yes, that was typed with enthusiasm. They have a book club, even. It starts Thursday, and I'm super excited to start it. It'll give me a chance to read new books and get together with some new moms who share my interests.
On Sunday we got a new kitten. It's Matthew's kitty. The loss of Reeses was just too much. We're not replacing Reeses with this kitty, but it's just like we needed a new life in the house. Something to look forward to coming home to. I still swear I see Reeses in the house. Anyway, Matthew followed this kitty around saying, "Ow, ow," which is how he says Meow. So the kitty's name is Ow. Matthew named his own kitten. Here's a picture of the little guy. He weighs 2 pounds 13 ounces and is about 10 weeks old.
Enough about the kitten. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, and thankfully, it'll be mostly good stuff to report. Bryan also has a dentist appointment and Tea has a therapy appointment, both at the same time, so good thing they're both in the same building.
I started going to a mom's group. I'm hoping to make friends! Yes, that was typed with enthusiasm. They have a book club, even. It starts Thursday, and I'm super excited to start it. It'll give me a chance to read new books and get together with some new moms who share my interests.
Friday, September 5, 2014
Friday, September 5, 2014
It was horrifying putting Reeses down. It was just so sad. They did it in the most humane way possible, but it was like watching a family member die. He was with us for 13 years. It was awful. If you can't tell, I'm really grieving today. Yesterday I came in and saw Jasper at the water bowl and thought it was Reeses. I keep walking into the laundry room and being careful so that I won't step in pee. It hasn't dawned on me yet that I don't have to be careful anymore. I went into Bryan's room today and there was Brock laying on the bed, but no Reeses. It just broke my heart. I'm so sad. I feel so guilty. I feel like, he was a family member, and you wouldn't just get rid of a family member for having problems with their potty issues, so why did I do so? Oh, I'm just heartbroken.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
The depression has somewhat lifted, although there's still a feeling of irritability and meanness around me that I don't like. I get pissed off easily and for no reason. Anybody can be the victim of my wrath, and now with the kids back to school, I have to be especially careful that I'm keeping my anger in check because Matthew is the only one home with me. I don't want to sit here and be yelling at him all the time when he's only being a 2-year-old and doing what he's made to do. (Even if he doesn't turn 2 until November, he's entering that stage now.)
I know one of the reasons I'm irritable and sad is because we're putting Reeses to sleep tonight. Bryan has had that cat for 13 years now. I'm so sad to think that he's not going to be around the house anymore. However, I won't be sad that I won't be picking up poop, pee, and disinfecting Matthew's toys anymore. I've been doing that for over two years now, and enough is enough. Reeses is the last of his litter (as far as I know), and he's had a good life.
We're all going to miss you, buddy.
I know one of the reasons I'm irritable and sad is because we're putting Reeses to sleep tonight. Bryan has had that cat for 13 years now. I'm so sad to think that he's not going to be around the house anymore. However, I won't be sad that I won't be picking up poop, pee, and disinfecting Matthew's toys anymore. I've been doing that for over two years now, and enough is enough. Reeses is the last of his litter (as far as I know), and he's had a good life.
We're all going to miss you, buddy.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Thursday, August 28, 2014
It occurs to me that I felt a lot better whenever I was drunk, so I've decided to just start throwing them back.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Numb, Tuesday, August 26, 2014
I'm feeling a little numb right now. Kind of like, "Hey, husband, how about a divorce, and you can keep the children, and I'll just run off and become a hermit? That sound good?" I'm just so spent. Tuesdays Holly takes Matthew so that I can go see my therapist and run my other errands, but I never get any time to myself. I just want some time to myself. I don't know what I'd do with it, though.
Here's the positives I'll look forward to:
On Thursday, I'm going to the Hudson Mom's Group get together at the park. It's their beginning of the year thing, and I'm hoping to meet some new moms and hopefully have Matthew be able to play with some new kids. I'm hoping that the group won't be cliquish, and that I'll be able to connect with at least a few people so that I won't feel so lonely all the time.
Next Friday, I'm taking Matthew to Romp and Stomp at the Centre. It's a place for walkers through age 8 to get together and play in bouncy houses and other play equipment. Again, I'm hoping to meet other parents and hoping that Matthew will get to play with other kids.
Maybe these are high hopes, but at least I'm going out and trying.
On the therapist side of things, I asked about the DBT group. She's going to make a referral and I should be hearing from the coordinator of the group for an intake. I really have no idea what the group is about, other than trying to regulate your emotions. But the logistics of it is what is up in the air for me. When does it meet, for how long, etc? I'm still hesitant about it, but I think it would be best for me, especially considering how I'm feeling about my home life right now.
Here's the positives I'll look forward to:
On Thursday, I'm going to the Hudson Mom's Group get together at the park. It's their beginning of the year thing, and I'm hoping to meet some new moms and hopefully have Matthew be able to play with some new kids. I'm hoping that the group won't be cliquish, and that I'll be able to connect with at least a few people so that I won't feel so lonely all the time.
Next Friday, I'm taking Matthew to Romp and Stomp at the Centre. It's a place for walkers through age 8 to get together and play in bouncy houses and other play equipment. Again, I'm hoping to meet other parents and hoping that Matthew will get to play with other kids.
Maybe these are high hopes, but at least I'm going out and trying.
On the therapist side of things, I asked about the DBT group. She's going to make a referral and I should be hearing from the coordinator of the group for an intake. I really have no idea what the group is about, other than trying to regulate your emotions. But the logistics of it is what is up in the air for me. When does it meet, for how long, etc? I'm still hesitant about it, but I think it would be best for me, especially considering how I'm feeling about my home life right now.
Monday, August 25, 2014
Waking Up Early, Monday, August 25, 2014
I set my alarm to wake up early today. I got the living room floor vacuumed and had quiet time to myself before Matthew woke up. It was nice and peaceful. It made me feel relaxed. It was a great feeling. Then I had to wake up the other kids. What a stress. I ended up taking Matthew to the park and got coffee to kill some time. I didn't want to come home. I get so tired of arguing with Tea. This morning's argument was about the fact that I set up an opportunity for her to learn how to use some of the cardio machines at the gym tomorrow. Apparently she doesn't want to. I don't care. I think it's good for her to learn how to do those things in case we ever want to go work out as a family. And it's not going to kill her to not hang out with her 16-year-old friends and hang out with her family. I'm still not pleased about the fact that she has 16-year-old friends. That's just too old for a 12-year-old girl.
So now I'm relaxing in my room. I have a pleasant candle going, I'm laying in the dark, and I have my soap opera on. I have to do a check in with my therapist here within the next hour or so, and I'd like it to be a relatively relaxed check in. I'm not feeling depressed, just irritable. I'm not feeling as anxious as I was yesterday (and believe me, anxiety basically overtook my entire body yesterday).
So Mommyhood today basically consists of hiding in my room. Some great mother I am, huh?
So now I'm relaxing in my room. I have a pleasant candle going, I'm laying in the dark, and I have my soap opera on. I have to do a check in with my therapist here within the next hour or so, and I'd like it to be a relatively relaxed check in. I'm not feeling depressed, just irritable. I'm not feeling as anxious as I was yesterday (and believe me, anxiety basically overtook my entire body yesterday).
So Mommyhood today basically consists of hiding in my room. Some great mother I am, huh?
Saturday, August 23, 2014
A Hard Day, Saturday, August 23, 2014
Today was a day when the depression just wouldn't let go of me. I've been struggling pretty hard all day. Thankfully there haven't been any tears, but I've just been walking around in what feels like a state of nothingness. I wish I felt the feelings of hope that I had felt just a few days ago (was it even yesterday that I felt that way?). I'm hoping that tomorrow I wake up with a brighter feeling.
Friday, August 22, 2014
Emotional Rollercoaster, Friday, August 22, 2014
Today has been a series of ups and downs. I saw my therapist this morning, which was good. I went in with some hope that things are finally going to get better. I had a renewed hope in me. The day kind of went down from there. The depression hit me. Then it got a little better again. Then it got worse. I just hate depression. You never know what's going on with it.
Nick's parents came down and took the two older kids out today. I think that was wonderful of them. It's nice for the kids to know their grandparents. Carol complimented me before they left. She said I'm doing a wonderful job with the kids, raising them. I burst into tears. I felt like such a fraud. I think I made her feel bad. She came over and just hugged me while I cried on her shoulder. After she left I went up and just cried in my room. I hate feeling like a fraud. I feel like I can barely take care of myself, so how am I doing a good job taking care of my kids?
I'm going to start working on my DBT workbook. My therapist and my psychiatric nurse want me to start a DBT program, to which I am opposed, but I'll start the workbook and see where I want to go from there.
Nick's parents came down and took the two older kids out today. I think that was wonderful of them. It's nice for the kids to know their grandparents. Carol complimented me before they left. She said I'm doing a wonderful job with the kids, raising them. I burst into tears. I felt like such a fraud. I think I made her feel bad. She came over and just hugged me while I cried on her shoulder. After she left I went up and just cried in my room. I hate feeling like a fraud. I feel like I can barely take care of myself, so how am I doing a good job taking care of my kids?
I'm going to start working on my DBT workbook. My therapist and my psychiatric nurse want me to start a DBT program, to which I am opposed, but I'll start the workbook and see where I want to go from there.
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Dammit! Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Just when I think I might be doing a little better, hanging in there a little more, I get hit with intrusive thoughts that knock the wind out of me and make me wonder what type of person I really am. What kind of mother am I? What type of person seriously considers harming another person? And even if I actually didn't seriously consider it, why would these types of thoughts run through my head in the first place? Am I psycho? Is there something seriously wrong with me? Do I have an insane gene running through my brain that nobody has found yet? What if it's too late when it is found? These are all the things that I worry about. No wonder I'm so full of anxiety all of the time.
I'm still doing daily check-ins with my therapist. I go see my psychiatric nurse tomorrow. Hopefully this can get figured out so I can get back to some type of normal. I don't fear for anybody's safety, so that's good. Just my own sanity. That's the only thing I fear for - my sanity.
I'm still doing daily check-ins with my therapist. I go see my psychiatric nurse tomorrow. Hopefully this can get figured out so I can get back to some type of normal. I don't fear for anybody's safety, so that's good. Just my own sanity. That's the only thing I fear for - my sanity.
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Guess Who Didn't Keep Up? Tuesday, August 19, 2014
My last post was in June, when I was struggling. Let's move on from there.
I finished IOP, and I did well. I learned coping skills for the intrusive thoughts. I began to feel less overwhelmed at home. I used my meds to become less anxious and also learned coping skills for anxiety. I graduated a happier person on the first of July. I was very proud of myself for finishing.
Bryan and I flew out to Maryland that first week of July for our yearly deal with the National Institute of Mental Health. I had a lot of anxiety out there (I don't know why), and they ended up flying us out a day early. We were done with all of our testing, so it didn't screw anything up, and it greatly relieved the pressure that I was feeling.
Depression hit me again, and I'm not sure when it happened. But it's bad. I cry a lot, I'm having a hard time taking care of things around the house, I'm having a hard time taking care of me, of the kids, etc. I'm having to do check-ins with my therapist daily again, and I'm meeting with her at least twice a week. I meet with my psychiatric nurse this week to see if anything can be done with my meds to help me feel better. I'm hoping they can play with my bipolar antidepressant a little. I need something done. I hate this feeling. I can't even write about it because I can't describe it. People ask what they can do for me and I don't know what to tell them, because I don't even know what they can do. I'm taking no pleasure in being a mother or a wife, and I feel a great amount of guilt because of that. And the guilt doesn't help when it piles onto the depression.
So that's just a quick catch-up.
I finished IOP, and I did well. I learned coping skills for the intrusive thoughts. I began to feel less overwhelmed at home. I used my meds to become less anxious and also learned coping skills for anxiety. I graduated a happier person on the first of July. I was very proud of myself for finishing.
Bryan and I flew out to Maryland that first week of July for our yearly deal with the National Institute of Mental Health. I had a lot of anxiety out there (I don't know why), and they ended up flying us out a day early. We were done with all of our testing, so it didn't screw anything up, and it greatly relieved the pressure that I was feeling.
Depression hit me again, and I'm not sure when it happened. But it's bad. I cry a lot, I'm having a hard time taking care of things around the house, I'm having a hard time taking care of me, of the kids, etc. I'm having to do check-ins with my therapist daily again, and I'm meeting with her at least twice a week. I meet with my psychiatric nurse this week to see if anything can be done with my meds to help me feel better. I'm hoping they can play with my bipolar antidepressant a little. I need something done. I hate this feeling. I can't even write about it because I can't describe it. People ask what they can do for me and I don't know what to tell them, because I don't even know what they can do. I'm taking no pleasure in being a mother or a wife, and I feel a great amount of guilt because of that. And the guilt doesn't help when it piles onto the depression.
So that's just a quick catch-up.
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Struggling, Tuesday, June 10, 2014
I'm really struggling right now. I'm depressed. I feel like a failure as a mother because I'm not enjoying being a mother. I just wish everything would change. I talked to my psychiatrist today and he's changing around some meds to try and help me feel better. God, I hope it works. I can't take much more of this. Being a mother especially right now is driving me insane. I can't keep up with anything. The house is driving me crazy, too. I feel so much guilt and anxiety. It's so hard to describe these feelings to anybody with any clarity. Nobody has any idea what I'm going through. I can't even express my thoughts here with enough clarity that I want.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Quotes, Sunday, June 8, 2014
The only people with whom you should try to get even are those who have helped you. ~John E. Southard
If you have lived, take thankfully the past. ~John Dryden
Two kinds of gratitude: The sudden kind we feel for what we take; the larger kind we feel for what we give. ~Edwin Arlington Robinson
If you have lived, take thankfully the past. ~John Dryden
Two kinds of gratitude: The sudden kind we feel for what we take; the larger kind we feel for what we give. ~Edwin Arlington Robinson
Thursday, June 5, 2014
A Busy Day, Thursday, June 5, 2014
Today felt so hectic. I woke up at 6:00, an hour earlier than I usually wake up. It was probably a good thing, because I was ready earlier than usual. I was out the door by 7:30 so that I could drive one of Tea's friends to school (she had missed the bus). I dropped off Matthew to Holly's by 8:00, made it to IOP on time, and had a pretty good day there. We discussed the Myers-Briggs inventory, which was really interesting. I left IOP early (at 11:30) so that I could meet with my therapist at noon. I had to leave her at 12:45 so that I could pick up Bryan at 1:20 to meet Leah back at my house for 1:30 since she was kind enough to pick up Matthew for me. I had to bring Bryan to a doctor's appointment for 1:50. After Bryan's doctor's appointment, we came back home, where I put Matthew down for a nap. Then I went and picked up Megyn and Tea at school. That's when my day finally slowed down. Megyn helped me clean off the table, Bryan had vacuumed the floor earlier, and so I feel better about the state of my house. I made broken french toast for dinner (the bread was squished, so it was all broken into pieces), and the kids loved it. At 7:00, Matthew and I went to Wal Mart to get dog food, an automatic cat food feeder, and a few other things. We came back at 8:00 and Megyn and Bryan put Matthew to bed. He fought it a little, but he's down for the count now. I finally took Megyn home around 8:30.
Why am I doing all this on my own? Because Nick went up to Duluth for Madison's graduation. I have to tell you, it's been much more peaceful with Nick gone. There's been no yelling, the kids have been getting along a little better, and there's generally been less stress. I guess it's like this when I'm gone and Nick is taking care of the kids, too. I think it's just the one-parent dynamic. A big part of me wishes it could always be this way, though. I want a smaller place with just me and the kids, no stress, no animals, just comfort. But I married for life.
Why am I doing all this on my own? Because Nick went up to Duluth for Madison's graduation. I have to tell you, it's been much more peaceful with Nick gone. There's been no yelling, the kids have been getting along a little better, and there's generally been less stress. I guess it's like this when I'm gone and Nick is taking care of the kids, too. I think it's just the one-parent dynamic. A big part of me wishes it could always be this way, though. I want a smaller place with just me and the kids, no stress, no animals, just comfort. But I married for life.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Today's Ramblings, Tuesday, June 3, 2014
I'm getting more used to IOP, to the point where it's not uncomfortable to be there. Today I was a little more reluctant to get going, but that was more about what was going on at home. Bryan was supposed to have a behind-the-wheel lesson after school today, but he couldn't find his driver's permit, so we were busy searching for that. It was payday for me, so I was busy balancing my checkbook. Matthew was just running around in a diaper. It was just one of those mornings where it was hard to get going.
On a positive note, we got approved for the loan for the new(ish) car that we're going to get for me. We go in on Friday afternoon to sign the paperwork, and hopefully Saturday we can go look at the car and take it home. Nick wants to get me a Prius. I'm just excited to be driving something other than a van that dies on me or a bus of a truck. I don't mind the truck, but it's so damn big!
Let's see, what shall we find for a quote for the day? Let's make it something good and meaningful:
"One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life." Chinese Proverb
To me, this speaks volumes. If you speak something to someone in a moment of impatience, it can stick with them. It can stay in their hearts and heads forever. It can be something that will never be erased. You can ruin somebody. It's so important to think before you act, and that is that moment of patience that the Chinese Proverb speaks of.
On a positive note, we got approved for the loan for the new(ish) car that we're going to get for me. We go in on Friday afternoon to sign the paperwork, and hopefully Saturday we can go look at the car and take it home. Nick wants to get me a Prius. I'm just excited to be driving something other than a van that dies on me or a bus of a truck. I don't mind the truck, but it's so damn big!
Let's see, what shall we find for a quote for the day? Let's make it something good and meaningful:
"One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life." Chinese Proverb
To me, this speaks volumes. If you speak something to someone in a moment of impatience, it can stick with them. It can stay in their hearts and heads forever. It can be something that will never be erased. You can ruin somebody. It's so important to think before you act, and that is that moment of patience that the Chinese Proverb speaks of.
Monday, June 2, 2014
IOP Journal, Monday, June 2, 2014
I made it to IOP today. I almost didn't. I dropped off Matthew with Holly, and I was tempted to just go home and clean house or go back to bed. I felt like there was so many different better things that I could be doing other than being here. But I did make it.
And you know what? This journal entry is going to make it into my blog. It's like having my computer in front of me - pen and paper form.
There are two affirmations I'd like to write down that really spoke to me today. The first is, "I will never please everyone and that's okay." This really reminds me of going through and trying to find a child care center for Matthew. I'm so afraid I'm going to hurt Holly's feelings when I tell her that we're leaving. She's been so wonderful, but he really needs to be around kids his own age. Anyway, the second affirmation is, "For now I will trust and experience what I am going through. I know that this time of change is sacred." I think that really says a lot about my being here. I have to trust that this is where I'm supposed to be.
LATER
I don't think we're going to be able to put Matthew into a child care center. It's just not something we can afford right now. We're behind in our mortgage and we really need to get caught up in that; I don't want to lose our house. I wonder if Holly would be open to going to the children's time at the library so that Matthew could get interaction there. I guess there's nothing that I can find out until I ask.
And you know what? This journal entry is going to make it into my blog. It's like having my computer in front of me - pen and paper form.
There are two affirmations I'd like to write down that really spoke to me today. The first is, "I will never please everyone and that's okay." This really reminds me of going through and trying to find a child care center for Matthew. I'm so afraid I'm going to hurt Holly's feelings when I tell her that we're leaving. She's been so wonderful, but he really needs to be around kids his own age. Anyway, the second affirmation is, "For now I will trust and experience what I am going through. I know that this time of change is sacred." I think that really says a lot about my being here. I have to trust that this is where I'm supposed to be.
LATER
I don't think we're going to be able to put Matthew into a child care center. It's just not something we can afford right now. We're behind in our mortgage and we really need to get caught up in that; I don't want to lose our house. I wonder if Holly would be open to going to the children's time at the library so that Matthew could get interaction there. I guess there's nothing that I can find out until I ask.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Quotes, Sunday, June 1, 2014
"God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say 'thank you'?" William A. Ward
"One can pay back the loan of gold, but one dies forever in debt to those who are kind." Malayan Proverb
Today my quotes are about thanks, and today I am thankful for so many people. My sister Holly takes care of Matthew while I go to IOP, among taking care of him for other things, like when I have appointments, and without her, I don't know what I would do. We're currently looking into child care programs for Matthew so he can be around other kids his age and hopefully help his communication skills, but Holly has been such an integral part of Matthew's life that I hope we can have "date" times with her should we get him into a program.
I'm thankful to all of my sisters for being there for me while I've been struggling this past month, and especially in the years that I have struggled. They have stood by me through my worst and cheered me on, holding my hand and being there for whatever I have needed.
I am thankful to my mom for always quietly giving me support. There are times when it felt like she didn't care, when she was just too tired to take care of a troubled teen, but being that adult now who takes care of a troubled teen, I know where she's coming from. Moms have their problems, too, and it's so hard to deal with your own problems while dealing with your child's.
I'm thankful for my best friend, who just is there when I need her to be, who doesn't ask questions if I don't want her to, but just accepts that I need her.
And of course I'm thankful for my husband and children, who give me my life and my breath. Enough said.
Today I'm going to make a conscious effort to say thank you. I try to say thank you every day, but sometimes the snot in me comes out and I take for granted all that people do. A simple thank you can mean a lot to people, and I'm going to try to remember that.
"One can pay back the loan of gold, but one dies forever in debt to those who are kind." Malayan Proverb
Today my quotes are about thanks, and today I am thankful for so many people. My sister Holly takes care of Matthew while I go to IOP, among taking care of him for other things, like when I have appointments, and without her, I don't know what I would do. We're currently looking into child care programs for Matthew so he can be around other kids his age and hopefully help his communication skills, but Holly has been such an integral part of Matthew's life that I hope we can have "date" times with her should we get him into a program.
I'm thankful to all of my sisters for being there for me while I've been struggling this past month, and especially in the years that I have struggled. They have stood by me through my worst and cheered me on, holding my hand and being there for whatever I have needed.
I am thankful to my mom for always quietly giving me support. There are times when it felt like she didn't care, when she was just too tired to take care of a troubled teen, but being that adult now who takes care of a troubled teen, I know where she's coming from. Moms have their problems, too, and it's so hard to deal with your own problems while dealing with your child's.
I'm thankful for my best friend, who just is there when I need her to be, who doesn't ask questions if I don't want her to, but just accepts that I need her.
And of course I'm thankful for my husband and children, who give me my life and my breath. Enough said.
Today I'm going to make a conscious effort to say thank you. I try to say thank you every day, but sometimes the snot in me comes out and I take for granted all that people do. A simple thank you can mean a lot to people, and I'm going to try to remember that.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Quotes, Saturday, May 31, 2014
"One must dare to be himself, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be."
"When things go wrong, don't go with them."
Geez, I love fortune cookies!
"When things go wrong, don't go with them."
Geez, I love fortune cookies!
Feeling Calm, Saturday, May 31, 2014
I'm feeling at peace with myself today, although it has been kind of a hectic day.
I've been thinking about it, and there are two things on my treatment plan at IOP - anxiety and overwhelming thoughts. I think I'm going to have them add intrusive thoughts to my plan.Since they seem to be a problem more than I care to admit, I think it should be something I should be working on at IOP, especially if I decide to stay for the duration of the treatment.
I sometimes feel like there's something so much more wrong with me than just being bipolar. There's the highs, the lows, and the mixed states, but sometimes I just feel like I'm psychotic. It's not a good way to feel. Of course, the way that they treat all these things is basically the same, but I just feel like it would be nice to know.
I've been thinking about it, and there are two things on my treatment plan at IOP - anxiety and overwhelming thoughts. I think I'm going to have them add intrusive thoughts to my plan.Since they seem to be a problem more than I care to admit, I think it should be something I should be working on at IOP, especially if I decide to stay for the duration of the treatment.
I sometimes feel like there's something so much more wrong with me than just being bipolar. There's the highs, the lows, and the mixed states, but sometimes I just feel like I'm psychotic. It's not a good way to feel. Of course, the way that they treat all these things is basically the same, but I just feel like it would be nice to know.
Friday, May 30, 2014
Intrusive Thoughts, Friday, May 30, 2014
I want to be the kind of mother that my kids can be proud of. It's hard, though, when I get intrusive thoughts where I sometimes think about hurting my kids. It's nothing I'd ever act on, but it's disturbing to even have the thoughts. It's part of the reason I'm in IOP and therapy.
I had intrusive thoughts after having Tea, but it was nothing that I ever dealt with. The thoughts with her, though, were so extreme that I was afraid that I was going to act on them. These thoughts aren't like that, but having thoughts like that before make me afraid for that again. I don't want to go back to being so afraid.
I had intrusive thoughts after having Tea, but it was nothing that I ever dealt with. The thoughts with her, though, were so extreme that I was afraid that I was going to act on them. These thoughts aren't like that, but having thoughts like that before make me afraid for that again. I don't want to go back to being so afraid.
IOP, Friday, May 30, 2014
I was in a relatively calm mood today. I read something on Tea's binder last night that went something like this:
"The beginning is always uncomfortable; you have to work your way through it."
It made me think that maybe I'm just in an uncomfortable phase of where I'm at in IOP. I'm not ready to open up and be part of the group yet. My meds aren't stable. I don't want to be there. It's something new. So when I met with the psychiatrist today I made my feelings known that I wasn't happy with my meds and I wasn't happy being there. He said he doesn't want to put me back into a hospital setting to get my meds straightened out and he'd rather work with me in the IOP setting. I've decided to give it another two weeks and revisit how I'm feeling then.
"The beginning is always uncomfortable; you have to work your way through it."
It made me think that maybe I'm just in an uncomfortable phase of where I'm at in IOP. I'm not ready to open up and be part of the group yet. My meds aren't stable. I don't want to be there. It's something new. So when I met with the psychiatrist today I made my feelings known that I wasn't happy with my meds and I wasn't happy being there. He said he doesn't want to put me back into a hospital setting to get my meds straightened out and he'd rather work with me in the IOP setting. I've decided to give it another two weeks and revisit how I'm feeling then.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
IOP, Thursday, May 29, 2014
I just can't go back. I don't want to be there. I feel more unstable since Tuesday than I have since coming home. Yes, since coming home I've been overwhelmed, but I feel crazy and out of control these past few days. I don't like feeling that way. I want to go back to seeing my therapist and having one-on-one sessions instead of trying to make it in a group setting. Tomorrow I'm supposed to have a meeting to discuss where I go from here, what my options are, etc. My mind is already set on quitting. I just can't do group treatment.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
IOP, Wednesday, May 28, 2014
I opened up a bit more today in IOP, although I'm still not sure it's the place that I'm supposed to be. I feel like it would be more therapeutic if I were with my individual therapist. Driving to IOP today, I had the urge to drive off the road into a tree. I discussed it there, and came up with the plan to take a different route into Woodbury. The place where I had the urge is where I know someone has killed themselves there before, and it's just a trigger area. It's just better to avoid the area all together. I can do that. So I took a different way home and timed it, and it should actually shave 5 to 10 minutes off my drive time. Well, traffic willing.
Today has been a very hard day. I can't stand all of the yelling that goes on, and I completely flipped out and did my fair amount of screaming about it. I screamed so loud that I hurt my throat. Then I drove down to the river and sat with my feet and ankles in the water and let my emotions wash over me. I tried to sort through everything that I was feeling and why I'm such a mess since coming home. While I was in the hospital, all I wanted was to be home. Now that I'm here, all I want is to be anywhere else. It's a horrible feeling, and I"m wondering just what the hell is wrong with me.
Today has been a very hard day. I can't stand all of the yelling that goes on, and I completely flipped out and did my fair amount of screaming about it. I screamed so loud that I hurt my throat. Then I drove down to the river and sat with my feet and ankles in the water and let my emotions wash over me. I tried to sort through everything that I was feeling and why I'm such a mess since coming home. While I was in the hospital, all I wanted was to be home. Now that I'm here, all I want is to be anywhere else. It's a horrible feeling, and I"m wondering just what the hell is wrong with me.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
IOP, Tuesday, May 27, 2014
I started my intensive outpatient program today. What can I say? I want to be back with my regular therapist, seeing my psychiatric nurse, doing my own thing during the day. I don't want to give up these three hours every day. I know it was just my first day. I know I was a nervous, anxiety riddled mess. I hope that each day gets better. As of now, I want to quit. I don't like all the thinking I have to do. It's a pain to have to change my negative thinking into something positive. I know that I can do it, but I'm just not there yet. And I just don't feel ready to be there yet. I feel like screaming, "Don't rush me, people!"
I ended up coming home and napping. Today was downright exhausting. I was lucky that Mouse fell asleep on the way home, too. Aunty Holly must have worn him out, because he took a nap at her house, then took another nap at home. He hasn't taken two naps in forever.
So, anyway, I'll go again tomorrow, and the day after that, and I'll keep giving it a chance, hoping I feel better about the whole program. And hopefully my mood will improve and I'll start to feel better, and these blog entries will start to become more upbeat.
I ended up coming home and napping. Today was downright exhausting. I was lucky that Mouse fell asleep on the way home, too. Aunty Holly must have worn him out, because he took a nap at her house, then took another nap at home. He hasn't taken two naps in forever.
So, anyway, I'll go again tomorrow, and the day after that, and I'll keep giving it a chance, hoping I feel better about the whole program. And hopefully my mood will improve and I'll start to feel better, and these blog entries will start to become more upbeat.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Struggling at Home, Sunday, May 25, 2014
Matthew woke up at 7 this morning, and I must admit, I could've slept in a little longer. But I tried to wake up with a smile and sing him a song as I went into his room. I discovered that he was taking clothes off of his clothes rack and emptying out his dirty laundry, so obviously he had a bit of time between his waking up and my going in there. I did manage to change him and get him his bottle, and he's playing peacefully now. I, however, am dragging. I don't feel like feeding the dogs, don't feel like getting the animals water, and don't feel like entering in the prescription expenses into the excel spreadsheet before I lose the receipts. What do I feel like doing? Nothing. I've taken my meds, so I'm waiting for them to kick in.
I am so irritated with these dogs since being home from the hospital. I think they're just a huge pain in the butt. They're needy and annoying. All they do is bark and beg for attention. It's annoying. I feel like I could just beat the hell out of them all of the time, especially Dagwood. But I find I'm irritated with a lot of things since being home from the hospital. The dogs just seem to get the brunt of it. And Dagwood has always gotten the brunt of my irritation, even when I was "well."
I am so irritated with these dogs since being home from the hospital. I think they're just a huge pain in the butt. They're needy and annoying. All they do is bark and beg for attention. It's annoying. I feel like I could just beat the hell out of them all of the time, especially Dagwood. But I find I'm irritated with a lot of things since being home from the hospital. The dogs just seem to get the brunt of it. And Dagwood has always gotten the brunt of my irritation, even when I was "well."
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Struggling at Home, Saturday, May 24, 2014
It's been a struggle since I got home. I've been home for 10 days now, and I've been experiencing a lot of anger and irritability. I really don't feel like myself. I'm no longer as depressed as I was, but I just don't feel right. My therapist and psychiatric nurse feel that I need a higher level of care, and I'm going to be starting an Intensive Outpatient Program on Tuesday. I'm frustrated with myself that I can't just go back to being normal. Everything feels like it's a huge effort. I can't even type anymore without making a ton of mistakes, which is beyond frustrating for me. I'm hoping that IOP will connect me with others who are going through what I am and help me feel so not alone.
Holly is going to be watching Matthew while I go to my IOP program, but there's such a huge part of me that feels guilty for asking her to do this for me. I feel like I should get him involved in a daycare center. I feel like it would be beneficial for him, and it would be a break for her. I guess we'll see how these first few weeks go before we make any hard and fast decisions.
Holly is going to be watching Matthew while I go to my IOP program, but there's such a huge part of me that feels guilty for asking her to do this for me. I feel like I should get him involved in a daycare center. I feel like it would be beneficial for him, and it would be a break for her. I guess we'll see how these first few weeks go before we make any hard and fast decisions.
Regions Ramblings, Tuesday, May 13, 2014
I'm itching to get out of here. I've had enought of being locked up. The other patients are starting to drive me batty.
Regions Ramblings, Monday, May 12, 2014
I had my 5th ECT treatment this morning. This one has been harder on me than the others. I've been sleeping all day (it's 3:30 p.m. now). Hopefully Wednesday's treatment goes a little easier on me.
I talked to Robin today to see how Mouse is doing. It sounds like he's having a good time up there. I'm glad, but on the other hand I wish he missed me more. I know I miss him like crazy. I hope John and Carol had a good time with him. Part of me was so worried about them watching him because he doesn't really know them.
I talked to Robin today to see how Mouse is doing. It sounds like he's having a good time up there. I'm glad, but on the other hand I wish he missed me more. I know I miss him like crazy. I hope John and Carol had a good time with him. Part of me was so worried about them watching him because he doesn't really know them.
Regions Rambling, Sunday, May 11, 2014
So I'm spending Mother's Day in the hospital. Only four more days until I'm out of here. Nick brought the two older kids to see me today. He also brought me a butt load of chocolate. Both things were much appreciated. I miss my Mouse, though. I'm going to have to give John and Carol a call to see how he's doing.
Regions Ramblings, Saturday, May 10, 2014
I am getting seriously bored in here. I just wish the treatments were done with and I could be home already. I'm incredibly homseick.
I found out I'm supposed to be doing juty duty on Monday. I called and left a message with the clerk of courts. I had emailed twice requesting a postponement and didn't hear anything. So, what happens when you don't show up for jury duty?
I found out I'm supposed to be doing juty duty on Monday. I called and left a message with the clerk of courts. I had emailed twice requesting a postponement and didn't hear anything. So, what happens when you don't show up for jury duty?
Regions Ramblings, Friday, May 9, 2014
I've been really tired after my ECT treatment today. I came back up to my room and slept after the treatment, then I took another nap this afternoon. My brain feels like it's functioning slower than usual. But mood wise, I feel more up. The plan is still to get me out of here on Wednesday. I'll have treatments on Monday morning and Wednesday morning, then be free to leave Wednesday afternoon. It's hard to believe I've been in here for almost a week and a half already. The time is flying by.
Regions Ramblings, Thursday, May 8, 2014
I talked to the doctor today, and it looks like I'll be out of here Wednesday the 14th. I'll have six ECT treatments in by then, and that's the minimum they like to get in. So unless I start feeling awful again, my escape date will be Wednesday. Another week to go.
Tea has a concert on Thursday, so it'll be nice to be out in time for it. I also plan to go up and get Mouse on Thursday - just a quick trip up and back. It would be nic if Robin would meet me in Hinkley, but she's already done so much that I'm not going to hold my breath on that. I do want to give her a little money for watching Mouse, too. I'm sure she had to buy diapers while he was there.
Tea has a concert on Thursday, so it'll be nice to be out in time for it. I also plan to go up and get Mouse on Thursday - just a quick trip up and back. It would be nic if Robin would meet me in Hinkley, but she's already done so much that I'm not going to hold my breath on that. I do want to give her a little money for watching Mouse, too. I'm sure she had to buy diapers while he was there.
Regions Ramblings, Wednesday, May 7, 2014
I had another round of ECT this morning, and I had a bad reaction (to the anesthesia, I think). I was crying and couldn't stop. It started suddenly, and I just couldn't control it. I ended up taking some drugs for my headache and falling asleep. I slept for about three hours and felt back to myself when I woke up.
I don't know if the ECT is helping or whether it's just being away from all the stressors. I'm hoping it's the ECT, and I'm also hopiong that I'll only be in here through next week. I want to only have to do six sessions of ECT, which would put my last day at Wednesday the 14th. It would be nice to home then, but I'm willing to wait longer if I have to.
But I miss my Mouse.
I don't know if the ECT is helping or whether it's just being away from all the stressors. I'm hoping it's the ECT, and I'm also hopiong that I'll only be in here through next week. I want to only have to do six sessions of ECT, which would put my last day at Wednesday the 14th. It would be nice to home then, but I'm willing to wait longer if I have to.
But I miss my Mouse.
Regions Ramblings, Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Another day in the hospital. Nick will be coming to visit after work this afternoon. Hopefully he'll be bringing Coke, a long distance phone card, and something for me to read. When you're not doing groups, it gets awful boring in here.
My goal today was to get dressed in something other than hospital scrubs, and I achieved that. I'm wearing jeans and a t-shirt, and I have my hair up in a ponytail. I'm still fascinated by my bruises.
I can't believe I came into the emergency room a week ago. The time is actually flying by. Yes, it doesn get boring in here, but with the treatments and the groups, at least it stays busy. I feel like I'm catching up on my sleep, too. You know, all that sleep I don't get when I have Matthew. But, man, do I miss Facebook. It's funny how attached to computer friends I've become.
My goal today was to get dressed in something other than hospital scrubs, and I achieved that. I'm wearing jeans and a t-shirt, and I have my hair up in a ponytail. I'm still fascinated by my bruises.
I can't believe I came into the emergency room a week ago. The time is actually flying by. Yes, it doesn get boring in here, but with the treatments and the groups, at least it stays busy. I feel like I'm catching up on my sleep, too. You know, all that sleep I don't get when I have Matthew. But, man, do I miss Facebook. It's funny how attached to computer friends I've become.
Regions Ramblings, Monday, May 5, 2014
It's Cinco de Mayo! There's not too much celebrating here, if you couldn't imagine that. Nick won't be coming to visit tonight because he has to bring Tea to gymnastics. On Wednesday, he has to bring her to her therapist. I feel bad that Bryan is missing his therapist appt, but there's not much I can do about it in here. Nick just can't take off work that early to take him.
I had my second round of ECT this morning. I feel good. My head hurts, but not as bad as it did on Friday. I just hope I don't have another day like I did yesterday. That was so bad.
I wish I could call and talk to Robin. I'd like to hear how Matthew is doing. I'd like to know he's safe with her.
I have so many bruises from all these needle pokes. I look like a druggie.
I had my second round of ECT this morning. I feel good. My head hurts, but not as bad as it did on Friday. I just hope I don't have another day like I did yesterday. That was so bad.
I wish I could call and talk to Robin. I'd like to hear how Matthew is doing. I'd like to know he's safe with her.
I have so many bruises from all these needle pokes. I look like a druggie.
Regions Ramblings, Sunday, May 4, 2014
I'm having a hard day today. I'm very sad and weepy. I've been sleeping all day. I have a lot of anxiety over who's taking care of Matthew. I wish that Nick would come to visit and set my mind at east. I hate not being in control. I think we're getting to the point where I'm starting to feel like the crazy person locked up in the loony bin.
LATER
I feel a little better after talking to Nick. He talked to Robin this morning and made it clear that we want Matthew with her. From the time I was pregnant with Matthew, it's been set up that should I ever go in the hospital, Matthew would stay with her. I did end up asking for something for anxiety, because I'm just not as down as I need to be. I won't be fully relieved until I know Matthew is safe with Robin.
LATER
I feel a little better after talking to Nick. He talked to Robin this morning and made it clear that we want Matthew with her. From the time I was pregnant with Matthew, it's been set up that should I ever go in the hospital, Matthew would stay with her. I did end up asking for something for anxiety, because I'm just not as down as I need to be. I won't be fully relieved until I know Matthew is safe with Robin.
Regions Ramblings, Saturday, May 3, 2014
Nick brought the kids to see me today. Matthew looks so bag. It's so hard being away from him. The older ones can go without their mom for a little big, but Mouse stays little for such a short time.
My upper body is so sore today. Apparently it's a side effect from the ECT. Part of me can't believe I'm going to be in here for at least another two weeks receiving treatments. It seems an awful long time to be in the hospital. And without social networking.
I had an MRI done last night (with contrast). I think they said they were looking at my pituitary gland. The doctors are concerned about why I haven't had my period in 5 months. Glad they're taking it more seriously than Dr. Dean seemed to.
My upper body is so sore today. Apparently it's a side effect from the ECT. Part of me can't believe I'm going to be in here for at least another two weeks receiving treatments. It seems an awful long time to be in the hospital. And without social networking.
I had an MRI done last night (with contrast). I think they said they were looking at my pituitary gland. The doctors are concerned about why I haven't had my period in 5 months. Glad they're taking it more seriously than Dr. Dean seemed to.
Regions Ramblings, Friday, May 2, 2014
I had my first round of ECT this morning. Besides a kick ass headache, it wasn't too bad. When they put the IV in, blood spurted everywhere. It was nasty. They're only doing one side (I think it's called unilateral ECT), which is supposed to cut down on the amount of memory loss. I have a buttload of jelly in my hair, and I'm all dopey from the drugs they gave me to get rid of the headache. But at least I'm alive and kicking.
I don't know how I'm going to continue my ECT. Part of me doesn't want to acknowledge the fact that I'm probably going to have to do it all as an inpatient. I just doin't have anyone to drive me. With Nick, work always comes first. He's so determined to support our family.
Speaking of Nick, he should be coming to see me today. He's supposed to bring shampoo, conditioner, and Coke. I wish that he would call before he came so I could tell him to bring out some magazines, too. I also have to give him my debit card and Bryan's insurance card.
I don't know how I'm going to continue my ECT. Part of me doesn't want to acknowledge the fact that I'm probably going to have to do it all as an inpatient. I just doin't have anyone to drive me. With Nick, work always comes first. He's so determined to support our family.
Speaking of Nick, he should be coming to see me today. He's supposed to bring shampoo, conditioner, and Coke. I wish that he would call before he came so I could tell him to bring out some magazines, too. I also have to give him my debit card and Bryan's insurance card.
Regions Ramblings, Thursday, May 1, 2014
Here I am, in the hospital. I'm going to be starting ECT in the morning. I figured I'd better start writing everything down in case my memory goes again.
I need to remember that I promised to text Leah when I get out of the hospital. Our friendship has really been put on the back burner since she started working.
I've been depressed for so long, I forget what true happiness feels like. I hope to know again soon. That's the reason I came into the hsopital. I know I had to get better - that things had to be better.
Nick hasn't been to see me yet. He hasn't even called tonight. I figured he would've called after getting Matthew. I know he's going to be overwhelmed with doing everything himself these next few days. But I still need him, too.
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