I think I'm finally getting there. The depression isn't weighing me down as much. I'm still having problems getting through my days, but it's not because I can't stand to do anything. It's more because I just don't want to do anything. More of a laziness instead of an inability. Which isn't entirely true that I'm lazy. Today I had a killer headache, and I still managed to get about four loads of laundry done. My living room, however, is trashed. Geez, you'd think I have a three year old.
And speaking of Matthew, I'm taking him in to see where he falls on the autism spectrum. I know that Nick is so against there being a label put on Matthew, but I need to know. I just see some of his behaviors (like stiff hugs, no eye contact, completely ignoring someone talking to him even if that person is right in his face, not following any directions), and I have to know what's going on. It doesn't change who he is as a child; he's still my Matthew, loveable little creature. But maybe it can change how I deal with his behaviors that I'm not handling well now, and I can learn of different ways to discipline, because Lord knows that what I'm doing now isn't working!
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
Thursday, July 21, 2016
Thursday, July 21, 2016
I've been working on my OA steps quite a bit; I'm currently working steps 6 and 7 right now. More step 7, just reviewing step 6. I'm trying to get myself to a place of calmness and peace. There's something I read in some OA literature that I really like. "God's will frees me from my self-destructive willfulness; it takes nothing good away from me." It's all about giving up my willfulness right now.
It's been incredibly hot out these past few days. Too bad I can't melt off pounds. I've kept Matthew inside for the most part. On Tuesday we went outside for about an hour because the wind was up so it wasn't so darn uncomfortable, and on Wednesday was the car show, so we were out until I was uncomfortable.
Tea was dropped off in Duluth over the weekend, and I'll be picking her up this Sunday. She wanted to go spend time with Nick's mother. It's been very quiet without her here.
I'm now on a higher dose of Lamictal to try and bring my mood up out of this depression. I could've gone up on Prozac, but I was afraid it would bring me into mania, which usually comes at the end of summer/beginning of fall, anyway. Of course, the depression usually is just the month of May, so we're not following the usual patterns here, but I'd rather not risk it. Sometimes, though, I think I could use a good manic phase to get me through things. Not a big sexual one, like they were 10/15 years ago, but a nice good mom/happy house cleaner one. Too bad I can't control things. Again, it's all about giving up my willfulness.
It's been incredibly hot out these past few days. Too bad I can't melt off pounds. I've kept Matthew inside for the most part. On Tuesday we went outside for about an hour because the wind was up so it wasn't so darn uncomfortable, and on Wednesday was the car show, so we were out until I was uncomfortable.
Tea was dropped off in Duluth over the weekend, and I'll be picking her up this Sunday. She wanted to go spend time with Nick's mother. It's been very quiet without her here.
I'm now on a higher dose of Lamictal to try and bring my mood up out of this depression. I could've gone up on Prozac, but I was afraid it would bring me into mania, which usually comes at the end of summer/beginning of fall, anyway. Of course, the depression usually is just the month of May, so we're not following the usual patterns here, but I'd rather not risk it. Sometimes, though, I think I could use a good manic phase to get me through things. Not a big sexual one, like they were 10/15 years ago, but a nice good mom/happy house cleaner one. Too bad I can't control things. Again, it's all about giving up my willfulness.
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
I saw my psychiatric nurse today. She's increasing one of my meds to hopefully pull me out of my depression without putting me into a manic phase. When the mania comes, it's usually at the end of summer/beginning of fall. At least I have patterns that can be recognized. So I'm hoping the med change works, because I'd really like to be out of this depression soon.
We went camping this past weekend for our family campout. I enjoyed it. The nights were chilly and I didn't bring enough blankets. But it was something different, and it was nice to be around family (and it distracted me from how I was feeling).
We went camping this past weekend for our family campout. I enjoyed it. The nights were chilly and I didn't bring enough blankets. But it was something different, and it was nice to be around family (and it distracted me from how I was feeling).
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
I had a really hard time after that last post. I was in a funk and just couldn't get out of it. So we ended up taking a mini-vacation over the 4-day weekend. We went up to Duluth on Friday and visited with our parents. Then Saturday we went up to my sister's husband's cabin. We spent Saturday on the boat and just outside in general. We spent Saturday night there, and Sunday we were there outside until just after 3pm. Then we headed back to Duluth to visit Nick's parents, and we stayed the night at my parents' house. Monday morning we headed back home. It was a relatively uneventful trip home. Nick only gave one person the bird, and I managed to close me eyes every now and again. But now that we're back, I look at my house and I'm feeling overwhelmed again. I look at my kids, and they don't want to do anything, and I'm back to that funk, just not as bad yet.
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