Sunday, September 25, 2016

That cold that I've been battling off since Thursday finally kicked me in the butt. I am down and out. I barely have a voice, and my sinuses are so congested that my eyes are watering. Yes, I am whining. I was supposed to meet a friend for coffee this morning, and I had to cancel. I was bummed.

Tea and I went to a baby shower for my nephew's wife yesterday in Duluth. She is so cute pregnant. I was so afraid that I might give her my cold, but she already had one. So I was relieved there. Anyway, she is just such a sweetheart. She was thanking everyone, and she just has such a sweet voice, and she is just so genuinely nice. I dream of being like that.

Tea and I went shopping after the baby shower. We picked up a dress, jean jacket, shoes, and umbrella for her, and two tops for me. She needed an outfit for homecoming; they're going casual this year. Then she was a brat on the way home. My sister was riding with us, and Tea wouldn't let her ride in the front seat. I even tried using my stern Mom voice, and that went over like a fart in church. She is very sassy. I don't know how to get control over her. I guess I'm just grateful that she behaves in the ways that matter.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

I forgot my anniversary yesterday. Technically, I didn't totally forget it, but I made plans to bring my sister up to Duluth forgetting that it was my anniversary and that Nick might like to do something. I felt really bad. And my eating was out of control on the way up there. It was awful. I was so sick when I got back. Onto another try at abstinence.

I had made a resolve to be a better wife several months ago, and I'm not sticking to it very well. The laundry is stacking up, the house is always a wreck, Nick rarely gets sex, and I feel like I'm a lazy f***. All I want to do is sleep or lay around reading. I feel exhausted most days; I just don't have the energy that I used to. Is this what getting older is like? Good grief, I'm not even 40 yet! Just because my body thinks it's older...

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Matthew has Sunday School in the morning, and I'm feeling a bit nervous about it. It'll only be his second time going, and his first time wasn't exactly successful. I know that he's going to scream and cry when I go to leave him in the room with the teachers, and I've been wracking my brain all night about what I can do to make the transition easier. I'm going to let him bring his doggy backpack. Other than that, I'm just going to have to trust that one of the helpers can sit with him and try to calm him down. If he gets to worked up each time I drop him off and doesn't calm down, I'm just going to have to admit defeat. But I'm going to at least try for a month, month and a half.

There are times when I wish my kid were just a "normal" kid who could go off to Sunday School or daycare like the other kids, without screaming and throwing a huge fit. Other kids who do scream get over it within minutes; Matthew can keep it up for hours. I end up feeling angry, which then makes me feel guilty, because, after all, this is my son, and I'm supposed to be this loving mother who takes everything in stride. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to about it.

Monday, September 12, 2016

I took Ow to the vet today. He had started to pee on some of Tea's clothes over the past four days. I was worried we were going to have another cat peeing on stuff. It turns out he just has a bladder infection, thank God. So he's on antibiotics, and I bought him a special food. I'd like to have a cat who doesn't pee on everything.

I want to look at getting Matthew into a daycare. He's driving me absolutely nuts at home. First I want to see if being in school three mornings a week are going to be enough to keep him occupied. As it is, he's holding onto my skirt and burying himself in my legs for the better part of the day. He's way too attached. I think he needs more time with other kids his age. And I need a break. After Nick's weekend away with Tea, I told Nick that if we ever separated, he could have custody of the kids. That's how terribly the weekend went with Matthew.

I don't want to be that crazy parent. I don't like yelling, but I feel like I do it a ton. That kid cowers in front of me, and that just makes me even angrier. Yelling isn't getting anything accomplished, but I feel like nothing I'm doing as consequences is doing anything to redirect his behavior. His IEP meeting should be coming up in about a month, and I think I'll ask for suggestions then on how I can get him to pick up toys or sit and eat, etc. I'm so tired of this whole circus act I've got going on now. It's not getting any of us anywhere.

Saturday, September 10, 2016

It's just me and my sons today and tomorrow. Nick and Tea went up to Duluth for the drag races/car show. It's usually nice when this happens, but Matthew has been driving me up the flipping wall. He's into everything lately and taking those terrific three's to a new level. One of his big things right now is pouring whatever liquid he has at the moment into another container. I have so much sticky juice or lemonade all over my floors and tables/counter tops right now, and I just can't seem to get the stickiness off. My carpets need to be shampooed again. Another thing he's really into right now is putting everything into his mouth. He can't be trusted with little toys because everything goes into his mouth. He never went through this stage when all the other kids did; he saved it. Driving me nuts...

Sunday, September 4, 2016

August was a busy month. I brought Matthew into the pediatrician, who referred me several different places. It was such a hassle to try and get him in anywhere; there were either nine month waiting lists, or the clinics were closing for some reason or another. I finally got him into a nurse at the U of M. She referred him for more testing (neuropsychological), so now I'm filling out a bunch more paperwork and waiting up to six months after the paperwork has been sent in. Which, to be honest, is what I thought we were doing in the first place. This is all very frustrating. And why am I doing it? I know it's not going to change how I feel about Matthew. I know Nick doesn't want a "label" on him. But I need to know. When I was pregnant with him and they found that growth on his neck, it was a month of hell wondering what was wrong. Then, right before I had him and I was in the hospital with that migraine and they figured out there was almost no more fluid left for him, I wondered if something was going to be wrong. I continue to wonder, could I have done something different while I was pregnant? And if he does fall on the autism spectrum (or if he's diagnosed with something else), at least we can get him the help he needs both inside and outside of school. I was pretty pleased with the way things were going Friday and Saturday night, when he fell asleep before 9 without Melatonin, and he slept until 7 in the morning. I thought we had a good thing going on. Turned out to be a fluke, though, because tonight it was 10:30, and he was still going strong. That's okay. I'm going to try and wake up early tomorrow and get him going. He needs to be used to waking up early because he starts school on Tuesday.

I think I'm ready to go off the extra 20 mg of Prozac now. I've been relatively stable for over a month, and I think I can do without it. I see my psychiatric nurse the day before my birthday, and I'll discuss it with her then. That gives me another 3 1/2 weeks of being on it to make sure that I'm truly ready to be done with it.

I sprained my ankle last weekend at my parent's house. I was looking at their lilac tree, thinking that they need to trim it down because it blocks the light on the stairway, when I missed the last step and my right foot folded under me. Man, did that hurt. I was up that night in pain for a few hours; I honestly thought I broke it. My mom took me in to urgent care the next day. But it's just a sprain, and I'll be in a support for another three weeks.