Friday, December 30, 2016

We're approaching the new year. Tomorrow is the last day of 2016. I'm not sure how I plan to spend it. Going to Target, probably, as I have prescriptions to pick up for three of us. I know Tea wants to get something there, too, but I think she needs to realize at some point that I'm truly not made of money. "No" would be a good word for her to learn at some point in her lifetime. I'm hoping that tomorrow night Nick and I can ring in the new year together, instead of sleeping, or with him playing his video game and me on my computer, which has been what the past 5 years have looked like. I guess we'll see the effort we make.

Matthew had a major meltdown today. He wasn't happy that he had to pick up some papers, so we put him in a time out. Needless to say, that didn't go over very well, and he spent about 20 minutes in the time out chair, because he wouldn't let us get him out after his 4 minutes was done. After we finally got him out, he didn't want to pick up the papers, so I had to take his hand and have him grasp the papers to hand them to Nick. What an endeavor it was! It would have been so much easier to just do it myself, but he needs to learn to do these things.

Monday, December 26, 2016

We made it through Christmas. Matthew was excited about Santa Claus, but he really didn't get the whole idea of him. I was excited to be able to give the kids the things that they wanted. It was a nice Christmas. We had a lot of family time. It poured out the whole day; we actually had a thunderstorm, which was random. Normally, in Wisconsin in December, you'd get a snowstorm.

I'm trying to plan for all the bills that are going to bog us down now. Play time is over. Time to get back to work and get back on that budget.

Matthew is supposed to start going to therapy once a week for both speech and OT starting mid-January. We have to get approval from the insurance first. I'm not looking forward to the new year when everything resets and we have to start paying all those copays. Although, really, I don't think we even hit all our out-of-pocket.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Matthew had one heck of a meltdown tonight. It happened because I took away the phone because he wouldn't help me pick up his blocks. I told him he could have the phone back if he helped me, but he just threw a fit. So I picked up all the blocks, and then I decided to have them put in the attic. So then he had an even bigger meltdown because I was putting the blocks away where he couldn't get to them. And you can imagine how great it was when I wouldn't give him any electronics after all of that. Yikes. It went on for over an hour.

I'm so overwhelmed with this house right now. I need a cleaning crew to come in. I can only imagine how it's going to be after Christmas.

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

I'm headed up north today with my sister to take my mom out to lunch. I also have to stop and drop off presents for the in-laws. I'm hoping that goes okay, because SIL says that MIL is kind of a bear right now. I'm hoping that when MIL sees Matthew, she'll soften and just be nice. I'm looking forward to time with my mom, anyway, and hopefully it'll be a smooth trip up there. We're taking the truck because they're forecasting snow, and that way I have 4-wheel drive. I've become a wimp without it. Too used to flat driving, I guess.

What will hopefully be the last of Matthew's autism testing is less than a month and a half away. I'm not sure what I'm going to do if it's not the last of it. I'm not sure how many more specialists I can stand taking him to. I think I might just have to say "enough" and go without a diagnosis, just going on the diagnosis that we already have to get him help through insurance. The specialists so far think he's high-functioning autistic. The only reason we keep pushing it this far is because Nick doesn't want an autism diagnosis unless they're absolutely positive. When is enough, enough?

Christmas is looming upon us. I'm almost ready. There are a few more gifts to wrap. Matthew's Lego table got all dusty when the guys were putting the door in to the attic, so that has to be air blasted off. I'm just going to put that in the living room with a bow on it. I want to get one of those gigantic bows for it. I already have a bow for the Matthew-sized trampoline, which Tea will actually be able to use as well. I don't think I'm going to wrap Nick's gift, just put a bow and tag on it, then have Bryan carry it downstairs. It's heavy - think 30 pounds. Other than that I think I have some Lego and a movie to wrap for Matthew, but I think all the other gifts are done. I wasn't going to do stocking stuffers this year, but Tea told me it would break her heart if we broke that tradition. So I guess we'll continue with the tradition of stockings and stocking stuffers. Maybe I'll surprise everyone with new stockings with their initials on them...we'll see.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

I'd like to share my writing that I did today in my OA book. The reading came from "For Today," page 353. The quote I based my writing off is, "I have done enough 'research' on diet and weight loss programs to know that the program we have in Overeaters Anonymous is not one of them."

Here's what I wrote: I first came to OA thinking I was just going to lose weight - it was going to be another weight loss program. I know it was a 12-step program, and I knew I was a COE, but I truly didn't understand what that meant. I thought I knew it all when I started the meeting, though, and I still have to keep myself in check to be humble. I have to ask myself, am I being helpful, or am I being a know-it-all? I forget we're not a weight-loss club, forget to work the steps. Now I'm trying to get myself on the right track again, working the steps and following my food plan *without* making this a food club. I need to keep humble.

(COE=Compulsive Over Eater)

Friday, December 16, 2016

I'm starting to get really irritated with our new mortgage company. They still haven't applied our payment to December, which was due on December 1, which was paid in November, and which is now officially late. It's because they're not done with our modification program yet. It's not my fault that they're so far behind, but yet it's going to affect my credit because they can't get their shit together. Pisses me off. I've been calling about twice a week to see when they're going to get it together. The answer is always the same - in a week. It started out as 10 business days back on November 10. I'm still waiting for those 10 business days to be over.

I'm still working on getting back on track with OA. I haven't been praying to my higher power. I haven't been using my readings or writings. I haven't been drinking water, and I've barely been watching the food. I don't know why I said I'm working on getting back on track, because face it, I'm really not. Each day is a new start, and I blow it. I am attending at least one on-line meeting every day. I feel good after I attend them, and I vow that I'm going to jump back on the bandwagon, do my readings, fill out my notebook, etc. There are no "buts," and I need to knock out the "shoulds." I emailed someone to be my temporary sponsor to get me through steps 8 and 9. I'm having a problem with them, and I need someone totally detached to get me through them.

We're going through a bit of a snow storm right now, so I'm looking forward to being holed up at home for the next day or so. The majority of what I'm going to do is take Matthew out to play in the fresh snow, and I'll probably make Tea do that.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

I'm fighting my way back on my food plan, but not very hard, I guess. I had one day where I filled out my planner and did my meditations, but it was lost on me the next day. And I just can't seem to catch up and make myself *want* to do these things that are good for me and will get me back on track.

The people from Maryland called today and wanted to know if Tea is interested or not in doing the research study for major depressive disorder. I said yes, she is, as long as it's understood that I'll be traveling out there with her. They said, of course, they wouldn't have it any other way, since she wouldn't be doing the inpatient research.

I met with my psychiatric nurse yesterday. Everything is going well. We're not changing anything yet because it's the tumultuous holidays, but eventually we'd like to get the Risperdal and Lamictal down. I'm on so many different meds right now (18?), and some of them are to counterbalance the effects of the others. It just would be nice to be off some of them.

Monday, December 5, 2016

I've completely and totally fallen off the wagon. I snuck food today. I'm so ashamed of myself. I don't know what else to do except get back to writing everything down, get back to reading and writing out of my meditation books, and praying to my HP.