Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Struggling, Tuesday, June 10, 2014
I'm really struggling right now. I'm depressed. I feel like a failure as a mother because I'm not enjoying being a mother. I just wish everything would change. I talked to my psychiatrist today and he's changing around some meds to try and help me feel better. God, I hope it works. I can't take much more of this. Being a mother especially right now is driving me insane. I can't keep up with anything. The house is driving me crazy, too. I feel so much guilt and anxiety. It's so hard to describe these feelings to anybody with any clarity. Nobody has any idea what I'm going through. I can't even express my thoughts here with enough clarity that I want.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Quotes, Sunday, June 8, 2014
The only people with whom you should try to get even are those who have helped you. ~John E. Southard
If you have lived, take thankfully the past. ~John Dryden
Two kinds of gratitude: The sudden kind we feel for what we take; the larger kind we feel for what we give. ~Edwin Arlington Robinson
If you have lived, take thankfully the past. ~John Dryden
Two kinds of gratitude: The sudden kind we feel for what we take; the larger kind we feel for what we give. ~Edwin Arlington Robinson
Thursday, June 5, 2014
A Busy Day, Thursday, June 5, 2014
Today felt so hectic. I woke up at 6:00, an hour earlier than I usually wake up. It was probably a good thing, because I was ready earlier than usual. I was out the door by 7:30 so that I could drive one of Tea's friends to school (she had missed the bus). I dropped off Matthew to Holly's by 8:00, made it to IOP on time, and had a pretty good day there. We discussed the Myers-Briggs inventory, which was really interesting. I left IOP early (at 11:30) so that I could meet with my therapist at noon. I had to leave her at 12:45 so that I could pick up Bryan at 1:20 to meet Leah back at my house for 1:30 since she was kind enough to pick up Matthew for me. I had to bring Bryan to a doctor's appointment for 1:50. After Bryan's doctor's appointment, we came back home, where I put Matthew down for a nap. Then I went and picked up Megyn and Tea at school. That's when my day finally slowed down. Megyn helped me clean off the table, Bryan had vacuumed the floor earlier, and so I feel better about the state of my house. I made broken french toast for dinner (the bread was squished, so it was all broken into pieces), and the kids loved it. At 7:00, Matthew and I went to Wal Mart to get dog food, an automatic cat food feeder, and a few other things. We came back at 8:00 and Megyn and Bryan put Matthew to bed. He fought it a little, but he's down for the count now. I finally took Megyn home around 8:30.
Why am I doing all this on my own? Because Nick went up to Duluth for Madison's graduation. I have to tell you, it's been much more peaceful with Nick gone. There's been no yelling, the kids have been getting along a little better, and there's generally been less stress. I guess it's like this when I'm gone and Nick is taking care of the kids, too. I think it's just the one-parent dynamic. A big part of me wishes it could always be this way, though. I want a smaller place with just me and the kids, no stress, no animals, just comfort. But I married for life.
Why am I doing all this on my own? Because Nick went up to Duluth for Madison's graduation. I have to tell you, it's been much more peaceful with Nick gone. There's been no yelling, the kids have been getting along a little better, and there's generally been less stress. I guess it's like this when I'm gone and Nick is taking care of the kids, too. I think it's just the one-parent dynamic. A big part of me wishes it could always be this way, though. I want a smaller place with just me and the kids, no stress, no animals, just comfort. But I married for life.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Today's Ramblings, Tuesday, June 3, 2014
I'm getting more used to IOP, to the point where it's not uncomfortable to be there. Today I was a little more reluctant to get going, but that was more about what was going on at home. Bryan was supposed to have a behind-the-wheel lesson after school today, but he couldn't find his driver's permit, so we were busy searching for that. It was payday for me, so I was busy balancing my checkbook. Matthew was just running around in a diaper. It was just one of those mornings where it was hard to get going.
On a positive note, we got approved for the loan for the new(ish) car that we're going to get for me. We go in on Friday afternoon to sign the paperwork, and hopefully Saturday we can go look at the car and take it home. Nick wants to get me a Prius. I'm just excited to be driving something other than a van that dies on me or a bus of a truck. I don't mind the truck, but it's so damn big!
Let's see, what shall we find for a quote for the day? Let's make it something good and meaningful:
"One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life." Chinese Proverb
To me, this speaks volumes. If you speak something to someone in a moment of impatience, it can stick with them. It can stay in their hearts and heads forever. It can be something that will never be erased. You can ruin somebody. It's so important to think before you act, and that is that moment of patience that the Chinese Proverb speaks of.
On a positive note, we got approved for the loan for the new(ish) car that we're going to get for me. We go in on Friday afternoon to sign the paperwork, and hopefully Saturday we can go look at the car and take it home. Nick wants to get me a Prius. I'm just excited to be driving something other than a van that dies on me or a bus of a truck. I don't mind the truck, but it's so damn big!
Let's see, what shall we find for a quote for the day? Let's make it something good and meaningful:
"One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life." Chinese Proverb
To me, this speaks volumes. If you speak something to someone in a moment of impatience, it can stick with them. It can stay in their hearts and heads forever. It can be something that will never be erased. You can ruin somebody. It's so important to think before you act, and that is that moment of patience that the Chinese Proverb speaks of.
Monday, June 2, 2014
IOP Journal, Monday, June 2, 2014
I made it to IOP today. I almost didn't. I dropped off Matthew with Holly, and I was tempted to just go home and clean house or go back to bed. I felt like there was so many different better things that I could be doing other than being here. But I did make it.
And you know what? This journal entry is going to make it into my blog. It's like having my computer in front of me - pen and paper form.
There are two affirmations I'd like to write down that really spoke to me today. The first is, "I will never please everyone and that's okay." This really reminds me of going through and trying to find a child care center for Matthew. I'm so afraid I'm going to hurt Holly's feelings when I tell her that we're leaving. She's been so wonderful, but he really needs to be around kids his own age. Anyway, the second affirmation is, "For now I will trust and experience what I am going through. I know that this time of change is sacred." I think that really says a lot about my being here. I have to trust that this is where I'm supposed to be.
LATER
I don't think we're going to be able to put Matthew into a child care center. It's just not something we can afford right now. We're behind in our mortgage and we really need to get caught up in that; I don't want to lose our house. I wonder if Holly would be open to going to the children's time at the library so that Matthew could get interaction there. I guess there's nothing that I can find out until I ask.
And you know what? This journal entry is going to make it into my blog. It's like having my computer in front of me - pen and paper form.
There are two affirmations I'd like to write down that really spoke to me today. The first is, "I will never please everyone and that's okay." This really reminds me of going through and trying to find a child care center for Matthew. I'm so afraid I'm going to hurt Holly's feelings when I tell her that we're leaving. She's been so wonderful, but he really needs to be around kids his own age. Anyway, the second affirmation is, "For now I will trust and experience what I am going through. I know that this time of change is sacred." I think that really says a lot about my being here. I have to trust that this is where I'm supposed to be.
LATER
I don't think we're going to be able to put Matthew into a child care center. It's just not something we can afford right now. We're behind in our mortgage and we really need to get caught up in that; I don't want to lose our house. I wonder if Holly would be open to going to the children's time at the library so that Matthew could get interaction there. I guess there's nothing that I can find out until I ask.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Quotes, Sunday, June 1, 2014
"God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say 'thank you'?" William A. Ward
"One can pay back the loan of gold, but one dies forever in debt to those who are kind." Malayan Proverb
Today my quotes are about thanks, and today I am thankful for so many people. My sister Holly takes care of Matthew while I go to IOP, among taking care of him for other things, like when I have appointments, and without her, I don't know what I would do. We're currently looking into child care programs for Matthew so he can be around other kids his age and hopefully help his communication skills, but Holly has been such an integral part of Matthew's life that I hope we can have "date" times with her should we get him into a program.
I'm thankful to all of my sisters for being there for me while I've been struggling this past month, and especially in the years that I have struggled. They have stood by me through my worst and cheered me on, holding my hand and being there for whatever I have needed.
I am thankful to my mom for always quietly giving me support. There are times when it felt like she didn't care, when she was just too tired to take care of a troubled teen, but being that adult now who takes care of a troubled teen, I know where she's coming from. Moms have their problems, too, and it's so hard to deal with your own problems while dealing with your child's.
I'm thankful for my best friend, who just is there when I need her to be, who doesn't ask questions if I don't want her to, but just accepts that I need her.
And of course I'm thankful for my husband and children, who give me my life and my breath. Enough said.
Today I'm going to make a conscious effort to say thank you. I try to say thank you every day, but sometimes the snot in me comes out and I take for granted all that people do. A simple thank you can mean a lot to people, and I'm going to try to remember that.
"One can pay back the loan of gold, but one dies forever in debt to those who are kind." Malayan Proverb
Today my quotes are about thanks, and today I am thankful for so many people. My sister Holly takes care of Matthew while I go to IOP, among taking care of him for other things, like when I have appointments, and without her, I don't know what I would do. We're currently looking into child care programs for Matthew so he can be around other kids his age and hopefully help his communication skills, but Holly has been such an integral part of Matthew's life that I hope we can have "date" times with her should we get him into a program.
I'm thankful to all of my sisters for being there for me while I've been struggling this past month, and especially in the years that I have struggled. They have stood by me through my worst and cheered me on, holding my hand and being there for whatever I have needed.
I am thankful to my mom for always quietly giving me support. There are times when it felt like she didn't care, when she was just too tired to take care of a troubled teen, but being that adult now who takes care of a troubled teen, I know where she's coming from. Moms have their problems, too, and it's so hard to deal with your own problems while dealing with your child's.
I'm thankful for my best friend, who just is there when I need her to be, who doesn't ask questions if I don't want her to, but just accepts that I need her.
And of course I'm thankful for my husband and children, who give me my life and my breath. Enough said.
Today I'm going to make a conscious effort to say thank you. I try to say thank you every day, but sometimes the snot in me comes out and I take for granted all that people do. A simple thank you can mean a lot to people, and I'm going to try to remember that.
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