Monday, September 28, 2015

Bought myself a cake!

So this birthday has been an experience so far. Tea stayed home from school with stomach issues. I had to pick up Bryan from school because he wasn't feeling well. I made Matthew an appointment with his doctor for tomorrow because his cold has reared it's ugly head again and he's miserable. At least he's not running a fever. I came home from Wal Mart and sprayed everything down with Lysol, and I'm diffusing Thieve's Oil to try and get all the germs out of my house. All the windows are open, too. Be gone, germs!

The lady from early childhood education is coming out tomorrow to do her evaluation. She wants to know what Matthew's day is like from the moment he wakes up until the moment he goes to bed. I think I'm going to have to start jotting down notes so that I don't forget anything. I'm also going to have to clean my stinking house. That's the only thing I don't like about when these therapists and teachers come over. I always feel like my house is so dirty because of the dogs. I can never keep it clean enough for my liking.

Friday, September 25, 2015

I know we're not the only ones caught in this struggle, but I get so scared having to go through a financial crisis. I was opening up bills today and they all had the same type of sticker on them. FINAL NOTICE. NEXT STEP COLLECTIONS. Because my not paying you before was totally my choice. Whatever. We're seriously doing the best we can right now. I can see a break coming up, but is it going to be soon enough? Our debt management program will be done in December. Matthew will be done with daycare in November. Those are two huge payments that will be gone each month that can be put toward other things.

My birthday is on Monday. I'm expecting nothing, because, honestly, my birthdays have pretty much always sucked. Growing up, I never got to have birthdays with friends; I only got family birthday parties. When I was 13, I got to have a friend birthday party which my sister chaperoned. It was kind of a cluster fuck. From the time I was 10 until I was 18, my birthday weekends were always race weekends. It was the last race weekend of the season, so my birthday was ignored for racing. My 16th birthday I had a quiet dinner with my dad when I would've loved a huge Sweet 16 party. My 18th birthday I had a procedure similar to a colonoscopy done. My 21st birthday I was home with a little one. My 28th birthday (my golden birthday) I was court ordered into a state mental hospital. My sucky birthdays are the reason I try to make birthdays for other people so special. But I would like a special birthday.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

The kids have so kindly shared their germs with me. I got a stomach bug last week and over the weekend. Now I'm fighting off a cold. Delightful.

My meds seem to be working okay, although I would still like to be on Lithium. I just feel like Lithium works the best out of all the meds. What is the extent of kidney damage it could do? That is my main question. Was it just a fluke that it messed with my kidney functions that one time but never any other time? I wonder if they'll let me try it again. I have an appt with my psych nurse tomorrow morning. We'll see how it goes.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

It's been a struggle of ups and downs. Tea has been expressing her teenage attitude and hormones, and I'm having a hard time remaining in control and behaving like the adult in all of this. I just can't believe how she can have so much attitude one minute, and the next minute she can be such an incredible sweetheart and an absolute helper. This morning Matthew wasn't feeling well, and she was hovering over him like another mother even though she was trying to get ready for school. It was such a difference from her attitude on Saturday when she was being disrespectful and trying to tell her dad what to do.

As for Matthew not feeling well, I knew something was up when Tea had to carry him downstairs this morning because he didn't want to walk. She said he stood up and fell over. I gave him a cookie (it was the odd one out in the Oreo package) and a granola bar along with a cup of lemonade. He sat on the floor while I was making the kids' lunches, and soon he was laying on the floor. Tea came and took his temperature, which was normal, so I just worked around him. I figured he was tired because he was up in the middle of the night. So we got out to the car, and he told me "cold." I asked if he was cold. He started whining, then he started puking. I had just barely started buckling him in, so I unbuckled him and got him out of the car so he could puke on the ground. I had Tea run in for wipes and Bryan got bags for garbage. Then while I cleaned up, Bryan took a picture of Tea 'cause it was 80s day at school and she had dressed up so cute!

Needless to say, Matthew stayed home with me today. He's sleeping now (first time I've gotten him to take a nap for me in a long time!). I have no energy to do laundry, like I should be doing. I have a ton of it piling up. I know, the glamour of a housewife. I volunteered at Munchkin Markets for four days, and I felt so useful there. The people there actually appreciated what I was doing, and I was needed. I know I'm needed at home, but I feel so unappreciated. Nobody notices what I do until I no longer do it.

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Got another call from the oh-so-wonderful Wells Fargo today. They're putting us into pre-forclosure status. They want the full amount by the end of the month. I explained to them that that isn't possible and gave them dates and payment amounts that we would be making. The guy said that he didn't know if they'd be able to accept our money. I told him that if they wouldn't accept our money, they must not want it that bad. So he told me to go ahead and make the payments, but we'd still be receiving phone calls from their collections department. I told him that was fine. I figure I'll just keep giving them the same information: dates and payment amounts that we'll be making. Nick always has faith that we'll get out of this mess. I just feel like selling this place and renting something in a neighborhood where Matthew can play with neighborhood kids. Yes, this is my home, but I'm sick of it. I wish we'd never refinanced with Wells Fargo. It's the devil's bank.

We're putting aside everything else to catch up on the mortgage, which means that Xcel Energy is being pushed aside. I'm wondering the minimum I can make on that to avoid being shut off. I have to make a payment soon before they shut off our electricity. Nick still won't give up the satellite and just go for Hulu Plus and Netflix instead. That would save so much money. Last night I sat down and tried to figure out how much money I save by shopping at Target for milk and is it worth it to go into Stilly? I think it is. Especially if I'm going in there for other things. WalMart's website says the NR store is cheaper, but you get in there and it's more expensive than they say (by at least 60 cents!). I think I'm going to go check it out again today and see if they website is up-to-date or not.

So money is huge on my mind lately. I know I keep thinking of ways to save money and throwing some of them out the window. I could cancel Tea's trip to DC in the summer, but I think it's important she goes on that trip. Bryan got to go with his class. And I know we go out to Maryland every year, but Tea never gets to see the sights while we're out there. At most, she gets to see the DC airport. That's nothing. I want her to be able to see the sights. Soon we'll be done with our debt management program (I think December is our last payment for that). And if everything goes well, we'll only have one week of daycare to pay in November because Matthew will be starting school at the school district just after his birthday. These are large amounts that we'll no longer be paying.

Friday, September 4, 2015

Today I got a tattoo.

This tattoo means a lot to me. I swore I would never get a tattoo unless it really meant something, as I didn't want to mark up my body permanently for something that I might be only temporarily passionate about. The semicolon, however, tells a story. Taken off the Project Semicolon website, “A semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life.”  http://www.projectsemicolon.org/

My life has been full of times when I've tried to put a period at the end of the sentence. In the picture above, you can see the scar from where I slit my wrist. I was manic at the time, but there are a number of suicide attempts I made when I was manic. It was important to me that I get the semicolon next to my scar. To me, it tells the story of my life; I tried to end it, but my life was not ready for the end. My story was not complete yet. I hope to be able to look at this tattoo when I'm at the low points in my life and be reminded that I've made it through so far, and I can keep going. The low points have been hitting pretty hard lately. I'll need the reminder.

I'd like to get another tattoo. It's one that I've had in mind for awhile.

It's the ribbon for mental health awareness. Mental health issues are really important to me. I want people to be open to speaking about them. I want the shame to stop.