Sunday, January 31, 2016

I have had one hell of a time working my program over the weekend. There's something to be said for staying at home and being in your own home to eat. I've had so much soda and junk food. We went to Sammy's last night for Nick's birthday dinner, and since I don't like their pizza, I got ravioli. There was enough for two people and I ate it all! I'm so disgusted with myself. I can't wait to just start new and try to make a plan for eating. Three meals a day, one day at a time. That's how I'm going to try to work things.

I really like the sponsor that I'm working with. She takes me really deep into the work and makes sure I understand what we're doing. I love it. It's like having homework again, which I loved in college. So I am excited to have a sponsor who gives me homework. I miss school. I miss doing homework.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

I've been having a lot of anxiety attacks lately. They hurt. I can't breathe, my chest is all tight, I can't stop the tears from flowing down my face, and I feel like running, yet I can't manage to take a step forward. It's awful. My mom helps a lot though. If I can get to the phone and make a call to her, she talks to me like we're having just some boring conversation about every day life, and it gets me into a mode where I'm not concentrating on how much I'm panicking and instead am concentrating on the calmness of her voice and the mundane things that we're talking about (do I want the cake made before we come up, or do I want to make it myself? Just stuff like that). So now I sit here and practice breathing deeply, and Nick has lavender diffusing almost 24/7.

I've been doing a lot of OA reading and trying to bury myself in that. I have a sponsor now, and I'm trying to do the homework that she gave me. However, I'm super tired right now, and I think all I want to do is sleep for a couple of hours.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Our OA meetings in town have been small to non-existent, so I've started attending on-line meetings. I got a sponsor on-line, and she's given me an "assignment" to do to get started. I also want to go to Hazelden and get some OA literature. I want the Brown Book, the 12 and 12, and the Workbook. I'd like to get For Today, but I'm wondering if I can buy it cheaper off the group. Right now I'm holding on to the literature for the group, and it's nice to be able to read For Today and the other daily meditation book each day. I also read a Family Devotions book each day that we got for Christmas. I just need something to keep me going. I also want to subscribe to Lifeline magazine, which they call a meeting on the go. I really like those magazines, too.

Matthew's teacher, Ms. Ashley, will no longer be teaching anymore in his class. Something stupid about she gave a kid a natural consequence and the mother flipped her lid, and Ashley was told she could resign or be fired. How are kids supposed to learn if they don't have natural consequences? Anyway, we're rallying around her, and I sincerely hope that they give her her job back. The helicopter parent that threw a fit can just change schools, as far as I'm concerned.

In the beginning of February our insurance changes to Health Partners. I went over our prescription formulary to see if all of our drugs were covered. All of them are under formulary, most at the mid-expensive generic cost. We do have some at the least-expensive generic cost, so that'll be nice. Now I just have to figure out if it'll be cheaper to get them mail order or pharmacy in store.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

I know I'm fat. It's really not a big secret. Anybody looking at me knows it. I know I have a problem with food. It's the reason I go to OA. What I really don't need are comments from the peanut gallery about how food needs to be hidden from me and rationed out to me. It's insulting and humiliating, and it just makes me want to eat even more. This battle is hard enough without people who understand. It would be nice not to be put down during a difficult process.

Today is Bryan's 18th birthday. I can't believe that I have a son who is officially an adult. I'm not quite sure where he's going with his life yet, because we've protected him this far in life, but we'll see where he goes. He started two college courses this semester in school, and that's something big for him. He'll start getting a social security check made out to him and sent to him starting next month until he graduates. He's going to have to figure out how to save some of the money and stretch the rest of the money out so it lasts. I'm hoping that by June/July, he'll have enough saved up for a deposit on an apartment, even if he doesn't move out right away.

Monday, January 11, 2016

I'm at a loss as how to get Matthew to fall asleep on his own. He needs to snuggle with one of us in our bed until he falls asleep. I'd like to get him to fall asleep in his own bed without somebody in the room. He used to do that. Then he stayed at the IL's and was snuggled to sleep every night, and I haven't been able to break it since. I understand the concept of snuggling a child to sleep, but I miss time spent with Nick. We used to go to bed the same time as Matthew. It gave us time to talk to each other without kids in the room. Now we never talk. If I snuggle Matthew to sleep, I'm usually sleeping before Nick comes upstairs. If Nick snuggles Matthew to sleep, I usually come upstairs so late that I'm exhausted and just fall into bed, ready for sleep.

Bryan started his college courses today, and I really hope that he learns a lot. The ones we picked out for him have to do with learning how to do things in the real world - filling out job applications, W2s, etc. I know that he's going to need all the help he can get with some of this stuff. When he left this morning, he didn't even have his schedule. I hope that he had a good morning, and that it went better than it was going when he went out the door.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

I can't handle Matthew waking up in the middle of the night anymore. He usually wakes up somewhere in the 3 o'clock hour. It's driving me batty. I'm not the most patient person in the middle of the night, especially when he's screaming that he wants to go downstairs, and I'm trying to tell him that he needs to go back to bed because it's the middle of the night. I actually spanked him tonight, because he wouldn't calm down. It got him to calm down, but then I felt so bad that I asked for God's forgiveness. Honestly, though, I don't know of any other way I would've gotten him to calm down. He was screaming at the top of his lungs and just going wild. The spanking gave him something else to concentrate on. So I left him in his room, calmer, and came downstairs. Since the dogs heard me up, they wanted outside. I let them out, and now I'm awake, watching South Park, and I'm hoping to find sleep again sometime before the dawn.

I feel like since Matthew's been home from daycare, I'm just not a good mother. Of course, I felt like that when he was at daycare, too. When he was at daycare, I felt like I wasn't spending enough time with him, and that bothered me,  but I also had a hard time spending time with him. Now that he doesn't go to daycare, I spend almost ALL my time with him. He's constantly hanging on me. It's very seldom that I'm without him. I try to keep patience with him throughout the day, and I think I do a pretty good job, so when it comes to waking up with him at night, I tend to not be as patient. I feel like I'm just empty. All of my patience has been used, and I need to recharge through sleep, but it keeps getting interrupted. I have older kids I need to have patience with as well. I really need to sleep. So why am I awake at 3:44 in the morning blogging?

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Yesterday I sent my baby to school on the bus. It broke my heart, and I cried. Matthew started afternoon Early Childhood classes, and I decided to have him ride the bus. I just didn't realize how hard it was going to be. He's so little still. He rides a short bus, though, which makes it a little easier.

Nick's temper has been flaring at random times lately and scaring the crap out of me. I know that he's in pain, but I don't like how he takes it out on the rest of us. I've been in tears more often lately because of his behavior, and I don't like it. I don't know what to say to him, though, that he'll take me seriously. I don't like how he treats the older kids, and I really fear that he's going to start treating Matthew badly. I'm at a loss as to what to do.