I keep wondering if there was something that I did to cause Matthew's autism. When I was pregnant with him, they measured a lump on his neck/head. Was that a beginning sign? Should I have known that something was going to be wrong? We were so worried at the time. There was all this talk of genetic testing and what we were going to do with the pregnancy. I had even considered terminating the pregnancy. But then when we had the follow-up ultrasound a month later (a long, excruciating month), the lump was gone. The doctors said it could have dissolved itself. Still, should I have known from that lump that something in the future was going to be wrong? I just feel like I should have known. I kept denying when his doctor told me that he should be tested for autism. I waited for over a year before I made the first appointment. Did I hinder his process by waiting?
I don't know why I'm feeling so guilty about all of this right now. I guess I feel like I screwed Bryan up with my bipolar disorder, and I see him fighting (or not fighting, as it may be) his bipolar disorder. I just don't want that for Matthew. I don't want him to have to fight anymore diagnoses, although I know there are probably more coming. We're just at the beginning of his life, and he's in a family of many mental illnesses. I can only pray that he doesn't get hit the way my other kids did.
So that's my mommy guilt that I've been feeling for the past few days. Matthew had speech and OT yesterday, and his OT therapist got to see some of his sensory issues. She said she was glad to see them, because now she can work on them and see about diagnosing him with SPD. The school has also seen issues with him this past week with sensory stuff. Full moon bringing it out?
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