Wednesday, February 8, 2017

I have a very small hope right now that the Prozac is starting to kick in. The anxiety attacks are few and far between, and they're not as strong as they were. The depression is not as severe as it was. The suicidal thoughts come and go, but they're more brief when they do come, and they're easier to get out of. I keep looking at the semi-colon tattoo on my wrist, trying to remember exactly why I got it. I was celebrating the suicide attempts that I had survived. I was vowing to myself that there would be no more attempts. When I need a little push up out of my deep hurts, I look at my wrist, at the scar with the tattoo right next to it, and I try to let it pick me up out of the suicidal thoughts. I want to get another tattoo soon. I want the green mental health ribbon with the phrase, "I've still got a lot of fight left in me."

I told Tea today how proud I am of her for how she is starting to act grown up and maturing when it comes to situations that she's put into, such as cleaning up after herself when she's sick.

Matthew's been hard to handle these past few days. He doesn't want clothes on, which has been hard when I've needed to take him out places. He's been throwing tantrums, which was extra fun in WalMart yesterday. I tried just talking to him to get him distracted, but it wasn't working. I just kept on trying, thinking how exhausted I was and I didn't want to deal with it at the moment. So I got what I needed and got the heck out of there.

My sister and I are headed to Hinkley this weekend for our projects weekend. I really need this time away. I'll be working on my scrapbooks on Shutterfly; I have six of them to work on. I'm almost done with one of them. Then I have to wait for sales before I can purchase them. But I feel like the only time I can work on them is when we go away for these weekends. We'll also be doing some gambling. I'll give myself a certain amount to spend. I'm not sure how much yet. I have to sit down and figure out some stuff with my checkbook. Ideally, I'd win some outstanding amount and be able to pay this month's mortgage and the taxes we owe. Ah, one can dream...