Monday, October 26, 2015

The older kids and I went out to Maryland for our research study at NIH. It was so fast this time. We flew in on Thursday night. The plane got in at 11 pm, and by the time we caught a cab and got checked in at the Children's Inn, it was 12:30 am. I know I got to sleep around 1 am, but I think the kids got to sleep even later than me. Friday morning Tea and I were up by 7:30 because she was starving. They had a breakfast set up in the atrium. Just a simple breakfast like you'd find at a smaller hotel - muffins, donuts, juices and milks, coffee, etc. Bryan didn't wake up until 8:45, and we didn't get out the door until 9:15. We got up to the clinic at 9:29, which was perfect for our 9:30 appt. All day it was going through interviews for me. I had to answer a buttload of questions on both kids and then some on me. We were done by 4 pm, so we went back to the Children's Inn and the kids played in the teen room. We also ordered Chinese from the place we get Chinese at when we go out there for dinner that night. And after 3 years of staying at the Children's Inn, I finally figured out how to use the tv in the room. So that night we had the tv on, the kids played poker, and I filled out more paperwork that had to be done for the next day. Friday night I think we were all asleep by 10 pm. On Saturday we were up to the clinic for scanning by 8:30 am. We had MRIs until 1:30 pm. It was tiring. Tea had a lot of anxiety about the scanning, so I sat in the MRI room with her and kept my hand on her leg or foot when she scanned the first time. OMG, did I get an instant headache. And my body felt weird. After about half-an-hour of Tea being in the scanner and my being just in the room, it was my turn in the scanner. I didn't feel as bad in the scanner, but my headache never truly did go away. Tea had to go in the scanner again after we had lunch, but she didn't insist I go into the scanning room with her that time; I was able to sit in the room next to it. She did good. There was the anxiety attack before the first scan, but she did much better before her second scan. I was nervous for the flight home. We weren't assigned seats until we got to the gate at the airport, and I was a bit freaked that we weren't going to have seats together. And I was seeing suspicious people everywhere. My anxiety was high on the way home; it was ridiculous. But it was nice to get home.

So now we're back to the everyday of being home. I have to admit, it was really nice to be away and be super busy. I look at my home and I want to crawl back to bed and just sleep and do nothing. Nick cleaned and rearranged the living room while I was gone. He also cleaned the floors in the dining room. But it gets dirty so quickly, and I just don't feel like keeping up with it. I did manage to go over the floors in the dining room again with the Swiffer this morning because Brock shit on the floor, but then the dogs ran in with muddy paws and it looks like I didn't do anything. I picked up the toys in the living room, but I just don't feel like vacuuming.

I ask myself if I'm depressed, and I think I am. I ask myself if I eat because I'm depressed, but I just don't know. Tonight I'll be going to my first meeting of Overeaters Anonymous. I'm hoping that it'll help me. I was told that I'll get the newcomers materials, and hopefully it'll help me to read those materials and see where I'm going from here. I don't want a weight loss plan; I want a life change.

Friday, October 16, 2015

We went to Matthew's IEP meeting at the school yesterday. They had tested him for some additional things beyond just the speech/communication that we originally went in for. He's also delayed in cognitive, social, and adaptive skills. It was kind of a blow to hear that. I, of course, know that he has troubles, but I've always just considered it just part of his age. To hear that he's truly delayed for his age is not something I was ready to hear. I just can't explain it properly. He's a year behind in his speech. But he'll be getting the assistance that he needs. Starting in November, he'll be going to Early Childhood Education. He'll still go to daycare on Mondays so that he can get that social environment. He'll have ECE Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday mornings. In the afternoons he'll be home with me. I'm hoping that he'll take a nap those afternoons because he'll be so busy in school those mornings. On Fridays he'll be with me. I'm hoping to get us scheduled for some fun stuff. There's Crafty Fridays at the Centre, and there's also Romp and Stomp, or we could just go swimming. I've got options for stuff we could do on Fridays. And I figure if he doesn't nap in the afternoons, we can always go swimming then, too.

It's all just a little overwhelming right now. The assessments and the meetings have just a ton of information in them, and I feel like I'm just not up to knowing everything like I should. I feel like I'm not being the best advocate for Matthew that I should be. And then I get all weepy because this is my baby, and I wonder what I did wrong.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

This is my little handful of pills that I take each morning. Then there's another handful that I take each night. I cannot begin to express how tired I am of taking pills. I just want to be able to function on a day-to-day basis without having to rely on pills to get me through the day. And even thought I take these pills, I still don't feel "normal," whatever the hell that may be. I still feel like snapping at my kids. I still feel major irritation with my husband for not swooping in and saving the day when I'm ready to go off the deep end. (Why doesn't he notice when I can't take anymore???) I'm sitting here right now, typing, and my chest is up in my throat. Matthew is screaming from upstairs, and I just can't take it. I want to run away. Why doesn't anybody notice that I'm a complete headcase?

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Depression has just been kicking me in the butt for the past 5 days or so. I feel like I'm hanging on by my fingernails, and I'm not making very good progress in an uphill battle.

I received the travel arrangements for our trip out to Maryland. We'll fly out Thursday the 22nd and arrive in Maryland around 11 pm. On Saturday the 24th we'll take a 5:30 pm flight out from DC and arrive back in Minneapolis about 7. Gotta love the time zone changes. At least both of them are straight flights. The flight back was originally going to fly us to Denver to change planes back to Minneapolis. That would've been wild. But it would've gotten the kids to visit another state (true, just an airport, but another state), so I was a little bummed when they did find the straight through flight. I'll just have to take the kids on trips throughout the US so that they can visit other states. I dream of one day having enough cash to do these things with them.

Wells Fargo called me and tried to scare the snot out of me about our mortgage. They said that they'd no longer be able to accept our partial payments and if we didn't get both August and September's payments paid in October, they'd ask for all the payments immediately. They told me we should look at our finances and find a way to make that happen. I was like, yeah, I'll look into that. There's no way in hell that could happen. Then they told me that I should have Nick take out money from his 401k to pay what we owe on our mortgage. That just put me into tears. Bad subject. I just said he doesn't have a retirement plan and got off the phone with them. They don't like the fact that it's going to take us 5 months to get caught back up, but they're unwilling to work with us in any other way. So we do it our way. We just keep making partial payments, and I swear, I'm going to start avoiding their phone calls. If I don't avoid their phone calls, I'm just going to repeat the same things over and over: "You'll get your payment on this day, and this is the amount that it will be."

I'm no good at being an adult lately. It's just too overwhelming for me.