Wednesday, April 27, 2016

I've started looking into daycares for Matthew, and I've even started looking into getting a job for myself. I'm not sure what I could do, but I feel like I need to get away from all of this. A big part of me still thinks about leaving Nick. Like maybe once Bryan is working and moves out of the house it would be safe to take the other two kids and leave. I don't know.

I'm trying to get Matthew signed up for six weeks of summer school. It would probably be in the mornings; I'm not real sure on the details yet. I just know that if I can't afford daycare, I need to get him involved in something. Otherwise this is going to be a very long summer.

I'm really hoping that Bryan can get in at SMC this summer and start saving some money. It would be ideal if he could get a roomie and move out and be his own independent man. But he has to save the money to do that first. I just feel bad because whenever he gets money, he blows it on soda and junk food. The kid has no idea how to save. And it's not like we're great savers.

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Bryan seemed to have a pretty good time at prom. He said they spent a good majority of the time outside because it was so noisy inside. They had a blast at post prom. They had a casino set up, among other things, and Bryan and Sam had fun setting up other people to take their "money." Bryan said it was a rush and knew he'd probably better not ever truly gamble. He and Sam looked cute together; I had him bring Sam back here after dinner so that I could get pictures of them together. I knew I couldn't sit through grand march with the anxiety I was feeling.

Friday, April 22, 2016

I went to Bryan's IEP meeting the other day, and things sound positive and on track for graduation. He's no longer going to be going to Chemistry, but they have an alternative for the class. He'll be doing the work in another classroom by himself with another teacher. He's already cruising ahead and is close to being done with this unit. He has one more unit to complete after this one is done. I pray he can pull up his grade doing this. As for English, we're waiting on four assignments which were part of a presentation. As soon as he gets graded on those, we should know if he's getting a passing grade. I feel like I'm holding my breath. In the meantime, I'm planning for his graduation with the faith that he will be walking across the stage. I know he can do this.

Matthew is being a particularly trying little boy, in that he is acting all 3-years-old and then maybe another two toddlers on top of that. He's a handful. Nick thinks I don't watch him close enough, but honestly, even if I take my eyes off him for 2 seconds, he's into something. If I go to get him a cup of juice in the kitchen, he's climbing the sewing desk in the living room to get to the xbox. There's just no stopping him. And heaven forbid if I try to make him lunch, because then he's shoving disks into the xbox or playstation, and I'm trying to dig them out of there while he's eating. Nick gets just pissed, but Matthew won't stay by me while I'm making him lunch or breakfast, and it's unrealistic to think that I can keep an eye on everything he does around the clock. I take him outside with me while I smoke, which I hate doing because I don't like the influence, but he plays in my car for the most part, and I can keep an eye on him there. I take him into the bathroom with me when I pee, but for #2, I just can't do it. He'll come up between my legs and say, "Doin' Mom?" I'm just very frustrated with my husband right now. He has unrealistic expectations on me regarding Matthew, and he treats me like this is our first child and I don't know how to raise him.

Okay, vent over. On the positive side, my medications seem to be working quite well right now. There's only a little bit of depression, not a major amount of anxiety, and mania is at bay. We'll see how the rest of April and the month of May goes, since that usually seems to be a hard time for me. For now, I'm off to get the mail, because I'm hoping Bryan's grad pictures that I ordered came in.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Well, I'm smoking again, too. I have been for several days now. This stress is just all too much.

I was talking to Tea on the way home from dance last night, and she was telling me how Ms. Peer made her cry in math class, and how she doesn't like to talk about it. She also told me how her friend said she (Tea) needed to go on her anti-anxiety meds again. Tea said she didn't want to come to me with any of her problems because we've got so much to deal with, with Bryan. I told her that just because I have a lot going on with one child doesn't mean I still don't have plenty open for another child. So we got it straightened out that Tea is now taking her anti-anxiety meds again for at least a few months, and I made her an appointment to see her old therapist. Her therapist will decide how often she needs to see her.

Matthew is definitely keeping me on my toes, too. Today he pushed the screen out of the front window and escaped while I was upstairs getting dressed. I swear I'm getting silver hairs because of that kid.

My therapist asked me today when I have time to do something for me. So, this blog is what I'm doing for me today. Well, besides seeing my therapist (where I talked mainly about my family) and my psychiatric nurse. I'd like to buy some paints and canvases and brushes and get started on creating some art, but I'm busy with OA step study, and I feel like I shouldn't be concentrating on doing too much at a time.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

It's half past midnight, and as tired as I am, I just can't sleep. I've got sunburn which I've gotten some relief from with coconut oil and peppermint and lavender oils. My stomach is in a knot and not very agreeable to being too far from a bathroom, so I just prefer to stay up and drink a Sprite, even though I'm exhausted. It just makes for getting laundry done easier.

I'm worried about Bryan. He just sits around playing video games. He doesn't want to do anything that isn't "entertaining." I told him life isn't always going to hand him things that are entertaining, and he needs to get used to that. I also explained to him that this summer, he needs to be working a full-time job. I told him that he's going to have to save up money to move out or go to college, and he's going to be paying his share of the cell phone bill. He wasn't very happy after that conversation. When I asked what he was doing to try and find a job, he said that he and his worker at the work force go over the ads and he picks stuff he thinks he'd like to do. I told him beggars can't be choosers and his jobs aren't meant to be all fun and games. Sometimes (actually a lot lately), I think we've protected Bryan from the real world too much.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

I just don't know what to do about the young man who just doesn't want to go to school. He promised me that he's really going to try and stay in his classes and bring his grades up; then today, he calls (his dad, because I wouldn't answer) and says that he's puking and needs to come home. Thankfully, Nick said that the nurse needs to witness him puking. Otherwise, he needs to tough through it and stay in his classes. So I was thinking about all of this on the way to Target and whether or not he's going to graduate (this has been weighing so heavily on my mind), and I worked myself up into having a stupid panic attack in Target. Embarrassing.

I know I need to let go and let God. I know I need to learn to accept that if Bryan doesn't graduate, maybe he's not meant to. Maybe he needs that extra year to grow up. I don't know.

Saturday, April 9, 2016

I'm so disappointed in myself. I had 8 days of abstinence in on my OA program, and I blew it all today. I was working on 3 meals a day with 2 snacks. Then today I ended up eating 2 cookies and part of a thing of mini-donuts while we were out at the car show. And since I broke my abstinence, when we came home I said "Fuck it" and ate more cookies. A big part of it has to do with the fact that my sponsor said she can't work the steps with me anymore. She's getting married and moving to another state. "It's nothing personal." Well, maybe not, but it's a blow to the gut. I didn't know how to handle it. It makes me feel like smoking again, too.

That's right, I've been smoke free for 6 days now. It's been hard, and I've been using my nicotine patches as needed. There are a few times that I've felt like running up the road and getting a pack, but I've resisted, and so far, I'm glad I've been able to resist. Matthew is way to interested in what I do these days.

We got Bryan's graduation announcements in. I told him that he'd better do me proud and graduate so we can use them. He said he's trying his hardest and even making it through each class even when he doesn't want to be there. Geez, isn't that what we expect out of our kids anyway?

Tea tried out for cheerleading but didn't make it. The only girls that make it on the squad are the girls that were already on it last year. What was the point of having try outs if you weren't going to take on any new girls? It's bull shit.