Sunday, May 29, 2016

I took Tea to a bar last night to watch her boyfriend play in his band (I swear, only in Wisconsin can you take a 13 year old to a bar). I was so uncomfortable there! I used to be quite the bar fly, and it's only too obvious now that I no longer belong there unless I have Nick with me. I feel like my weight makes me incredibly unattractive, and I was so uncomfortable that I kept stuffing my face with cheese curds. I was telling myself that I'm a compulsive overeater and to stop it, but I just couldn't. I was chatting with this one guy, who was kind of a prick (he really thought a lot of himself), and this other guy bought me a drink (but he mysteriously disappeared). It was really random. But Tea really had a good time, and she was really good about leaving when I told her that it was time to go. We're going to see the band again at Pea Soup Days, which is our local carnival/celebration. That's coming up in 2 weeks.

Bryan is passing English, so we're on track for graduation. It's supposed to rain on Saturday, so it looks as though I'll be having the grad party inside of the house. Nick said that he'd get the garage cleaned out so that we can use that to hang out in as well. I really hope the weather forecast changes by then. I'd love a nice day where people can be outside, we can have a fire, and most importantly, the dogs won't be cooped up! I have so much cleaning to do over this next week.

I did end up shampooing the living room carpet, and I took all of Matthew's toys that were downstairs and put them up in the attic. The Little People toys that I had up in the attic I brought back downstairs today. Matthew's been playing with them all today. I love doing toy rotation. I think I'm only going to have one toy box downstairs at a time. It's less to clean up, and it keeps Matthew more entertained because he's not overwhelmed by too many toys.

School ends this week, then there's a week off, and then summer school starts. Matthew is the only one going to summer school this year. He'll go Monday through Thursday (I believe) from 8 to noon. He'll ride the bus. Now I'm going to have to change his sleep schedule so that he's going to bed earlier and waking up earlier. Right now he's staying up til 10 or later and sleeping until 9 or later.

Friday, May 27, 2016

Sometimes I think this blog is the only thing that makes me keep track of the days.

I've been in OA since the end of October 2015. I got to my highest weight of 277.8 pounds in January of this year. I'm now down to 265 pounds. I find my OA meetings very therapeutic and look forward to going to them. I'm doing step work right now. I just finished the second step, and I wanted to share something. The second step is "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." The question is, how do I define that Higher Power?

"I consider that HP God, but the loving God that created the world and continues to watch over His creations, not the vengeful God who sent the floods and the plague. I believe He listens to our prayers and grants them in His way, even if that's not the way we're asking for. I believe He brings people in our lives whom we need, or who need us, at that time, even if they don't stay around forever. I believe He is forgiving of our sins if we truly seek forgiveness."

It felt cathartic to write down what God is to me. At first I just stared at the lines on the paper, wondering what God is to me. I was drawing a blank. Then I just shut off my mind and started to write. When I was done, I was pleasantly surprised by what was on the paper. I think I'm going to share it at Monday night's meeting. We're going to be step two that night.

Monday, May 23, 2016

Bryan's grade in English 12 went from a 39% up to a 58.5%. A drastic difference, but still not quite good enough to graduate. He has until the end of the week to pull it up to over a 60% so he can get his diploma. He has one missing assignment, two assignments that are at zeros, and ten assignments that they're doing this week in class (four of which he is done with). If he can get all of those done, he stands a real fighting chance. I'm nervous, but I have real faith that he can do this. Another thing that has to be taken care of is paying back the school for the college courses that Bryan failed. I really want to see that kid make it.

My anxiety has been at one of it's all-time highs. Between the mortgage and Bryan, I feel like I'm in a constant state of panic. Plus, I never know when Nick's going to fly off the handle, and I hate walking on eggshells. I keep wondering if I'm doing the right thing by trying to get this mortgage paid down, or if I should just take the extra money I'm throwing on it and put it aside toward moving out. I feel like WF is going to foreclose on us anyway and shit will really hit the fan. Shouldn't I have a back up in place? But I know that Nick would use my bipolar disorder against me and say that I'm an unfit mother, and then Tea would get placed in the middle of all of it, and I want to avoid that if I can. Just lots of thoughts here. I can't make up my mind.

Thursday, May 19, 2016

I've been working hard on keeping myself pulled together. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. I'm afraid I keep trying to overeat the elephant.

I planned out the calendar for the rest of 2016. The bill calendar, I should say. I have the repeating bills written in with their amounts, if I know them. For the ones that I don't know the amounts, I just have the dates that they're due, or the dates that we pay on them, if we're just paying as much as we can when we can. It makes something that's overwhelming not so bad. The majority of the medical bills are paid off, but we're going to be gaining one because I haven't been paying Bryan's therapy co-pays each week. That sucks. Plus, money's going quickly with the amount that I'm paying for all these damn prescriptions. I worry about what Bryan's going to do when he's out on his own and has to pay for his own medical stuff.

Graduation isn't that far away. Bryan's still getting an F in English, but has pulled up his Chemistry grade to a C+. I'm really hoping that he can pull up that English grade. His party is all planned. I keep putting off ironing his graduation gown. I'm just nervous. I'm trying to have faith in him, but even today, he tried to get out of going to school. I don't know how to get him through these last 9 days of school.

Bryan did get a job. He'll be working at my sister's laundromat. This is good, because I'm hoping she'll have patience in case he screws up. Not saying that he's going to, but you never know. He's still pretty immature and has a lot to learn, because we never really allowed him to grow up. Which, mind you, is totally my fault. I've been so busy holding his hand and trying to protect him from his dad that he never had to grow up. And now I'm trying to send him out into the real world? Fat chance.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Stupid things to do? Go for a trip up north and forget your meds. Good thing we live within a close-enough distance that we could make it a 2-day trip and not miss too many doses. Bryan missed 3 doses; I missed 2. It was enough to throw us both off schedule. We were both feeling it. I've been more of a mess than usual. I know that May is my hard month; I really shouldn't have been missing any medication at all.

The trip up north was nice, though. We got to spend time with my parents and with Nick's parents. We went out to dinner with Nick's parents on Friday night. His mom is pale. I think Nick is in denial of everything she's going through right now (she has breast cancer). His dad isn't looking the best, either. It's hard to accept our parents getting older. I know my mom is finally starting to look her age as well. She's 79 now, and it's really starting to hit me that she may not be around much longer. My aunt fell and broke her hip, and I feel like I'm waiting for the call that my mom did the same thing. I know that she's not as spry as she used to be.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

I can feel myself sliding down into that spring...not so much depression...hate for life. I want to give up. Everything seems just overwhelming and I don't want to do it anymore. And I've got way too much to do to feel this way. Tonight I worked on Bryan's graduation stuff for a few hours. I got all the party announcements that I have addressed and ready to go out; I'm still waiting for the other 50 I ordered to come in the mail so I can address them. I have 11 more commencement announcements to put together and address, but I did about seven tonight, and that was enough along with the party announcements.

I just don't want to do any of this. I want to sit in my room, curled up in bed, and cry and sleep. I want someone else to take care of my family and chase after my kids and referee the fights that go on here. I don't even want to write anymore.