Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Life. I just don't know anymore. I'm exhausted. I want to crawl into bed after I wake up in the morning. I want to crawl into bed by 7 at night. I know I should get out and exercise. I haven't been sticking to my food plan very well this past week. I just feel so damn tired. I don't feel like a very good mom. I did my fourth and fifth steps in OA and they completely wiped me out. I feel like I really had a lot of excess junk to get off my chest. I was amazed that I shared with another person, but it did feel refreshing. I'm still affected, though, and I need to get out of this frump that I'm in.
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Tea is out in DC right now. She flew out yesterday morning. She just texted and let me know that there's a big storm out there right now and that there's flash flood warnings. I really wish I was out there with her; I know she's nervous. She had so much anxiety about going out there without me. Originally I was supposed to go out there; my best friend and I were going to be chaperons because both of our kids were going out there. But I couldn't afford the trip. It's disappointing, and I really hate doing the responsible thing sometimes.
Things are more than a little rough financially here. I keep saying, "In a couple of months it will get easier..." I've been saying that since about October, and so far it really hasn't. I keep praying about it, asking for guidance, but I need to learn to let go before I can be guided. And I just can't seem to let go of the control that I so insist on having.
I've released 18 pounds since the beginning of February. Slowly but surely, I'm determined to get rid of this weight. I've veered from my food plan slightly, and I need to get back on it totally. For today I'm abstinent, and that's all that I can do.
Things are more than a little rough financially here. I keep saying, "In a couple of months it will get easier..." I've been saying that since about October, and so far it really hasn't. I keep praying about it, asking for guidance, but I need to learn to let go before I can be guided. And I just can't seem to let go of the control that I so insist on having.
I've released 18 pounds since the beginning of February. Slowly but surely, I'm determined to get rid of this weight. I've veered from my food plan slightly, and I need to get back on it totally. For today I'm abstinent, and that's all that I can do.
Sunday, June 12, 2016
Sunday, June 12, 2016
So, yes, I had my pity party. And I think I'm over it. I'm feeling better now.
The dance recital is done. Friday night seemed to take longer than Saturday afternoon, but both performances were wonderful. Tea did an awesome job. This was her ninth year of dance, and she's got four more years left. Next year she said she's going to take hip hop and poms. I'd also like to see her get involved in some extra-curriculars at the high school. Sadly, she missed dance team try-outs. I'm hoping she can find her own thing in high school that's healthy and not boy-focused or something like that.
Bryan needs to work on his thank-you cards this week. He has his work schedule for the rest of the month, and he's done with training and on his own starting Saturday. I'm excited for him. It'll be nice for him to have a steady job with real responsibilities.
Matthew starts summer school tomorrow. It's going to be harsh reality for both of us. He'll get on the bus at 7:00. Yep, that's in the morning. Currently, we enjoy sleeping until at least 9:00. So it'll be different getting up by 6:30 to get ready. I gave him some Melatonin tonight, but it's after 9:00 p.m. and he's still not asleep. And usually when I give him Melatonin, he wakes up in the middle of the night. Hopefully, with having to wake up early, his night times will become earlier. We'll see.
Tea goes to DC in a week. I'm hoping she gets all her laundry to me this week so that I can get it done.
The dance recital is done. Friday night seemed to take longer than Saturday afternoon, but both performances were wonderful. Tea did an awesome job. This was her ninth year of dance, and she's got four more years left. Next year she said she's going to take hip hop and poms. I'd also like to see her get involved in some extra-curriculars at the high school. Sadly, she missed dance team try-outs. I'm hoping she can find her own thing in high school that's healthy and not boy-focused or something like that.
Bryan needs to work on his thank-you cards this week. He has his work schedule for the rest of the month, and he's done with training and on his own starting Saturday. I'm excited for him. It'll be nice for him to have a steady job with real responsibilities.
Matthew starts summer school tomorrow. It's going to be harsh reality for both of us. He'll get on the bus at 7:00. Yep, that's in the morning. Currently, we enjoy sleeping until at least 9:00. So it'll be different getting up by 6:30 to get ready. I gave him some Melatonin tonight, but it's after 9:00 p.m. and he's still not asleep. And usually when I give him Melatonin, he wakes up in the middle of the night. Hopefully, with having to wake up early, his night times will become earlier. We'll see.
Tea goes to DC in a week. I'm hoping she gets all her laundry to me this week so that I can get it done.
Thursday, June 9, 2016
Thursday, June 9, 2016
This mommy feels unappreciated. My kids expect me to pick up after them. They make fun of my laugh (which makes me feel like not even laughing), and Tea tells me I can't sing. That would be no big deal, except she keeps harping on it and tells me that Dad is the singer and I should just stop. I'm just so tired of feeling disrespected. I left the two big kids chores to do while Nick and I were in Duluth at a funeral yesterday. Bryan was supposed to change the litter box and vacuum the living room. Tea was supposed to unload and reload the dishwasher. Simple things for the whole 8 to 10 hours that we'd be gone. Bryan changed the litter box and picked up the living room but never did vacuum. Tea completely ignored what she was supposed to do, even going so far as to trying to pawn it off on Bryan. I really didn't think it was too much to ask.
I feel like now that we've gotten Bryan through graduation, I can just take off. I know I've talked about taking the kids and leaving, but part of me feels like if Nick was just on his own with Tea and Matthew, he'd be calmer. Or at least not as angry as he is with Bryan. And I just can't handle life anymore. I don't know if it's a midlife crisis or my bipolar disorder, but I'm in a bad way again. I'm crying all the time, contemplating ways that I could successfully commit suicide (I'm not going to try it unless I know I could be successful, because I'm a damn chicken), and I know I should be talking to my therapist or practicing my DBT skills, but I'm just so tired. I'm so tired of trying to help myself when everybody else is treating me like shit and nobody bothers to change themselves. Why do I always have to be the one to be bettering myself and changing? I feel like I'm stuck in a hole. I'm doing the same things over and over and expecting different results - the definition of insanity.
I feel like now that we've gotten Bryan through graduation, I can just take off. I know I've talked about taking the kids and leaving, but part of me feels like if Nick was just on his own with Tea and Matthew, he'd be calmer. Or at least not as angry as he is with Bryan. And I just can't handle life anymore. I don't know if it's a midlife crisis or my bipolar disorder, but I'm in a bad way again. I'm crying all the time, contemplating ways that I could successfully commit suicide (I'm not going to try it unless I know I could be successful, because I'm a damn chicken), and I know I should be talking to my therapist or practicing my DBT skills, but I'm just so tired. I'm so tired of trying to help myself when everybody else is treating me like shit and nobody bothers to change themselves. Why do I always have to be the one to be bettering myself and changing? I feel like I'm stuck in a hole. I'm doing the same things over and over and expecting different results - the definition of insanity.
Sunday, June 5, 2016
Sunday, June 5, 2016
And it's all over and done. The graduation party is behind us. The graduation ceremony is over and done with. Bryan has made it through. He passed English with a solid D. He received his diploma today. I only cried twice during the ceremony. Bryan was really nervous, and I took a few minutes to get him through a breathing exercise before they walked down the aisle for the ceremony. He made it through!
Thursday, June 2, 2016
Thursday, June 2, 2016
Graduation day is coming quickly. Bryan finished his final in English today. That's the last hurdle he has to pass in order to graduate. He ended up with a C- in Chemistry; not too bad considering he had a failing grade in that class as well. Now I'm just waiting for the bill from the college (it goes to the high school first, then the high school will bill me) for the classes that Bryan failed, and Bryan's high school career will be complete. So what's next for Bryan???
College does not seem to be in the direct future for our boy. He has a hard time keeping up. We learned this with the two classes that he tried taking his senior year. He desperately wants to be a video game designer, and he's already been applying online. I'm not sure how you go about doing that, but we're encouraging him to follow his dream, but we're also telling him that he also has to have a job that he can support himself while he waits for his dream job to come through. Currently he's working for my sister at her laundromat. He's not going to be able to make a living wage on that, though, so he's either going to have to look for a second job (which I don't think he'd be able to handle), or look for help through federal subsidies. He'll stay at home for awhile, I'm sure.
What's next for Mom??? Not much will change as long as Bryan is still living at home. We'll have to set up some new boundaries and expectations now that he's graduating, of course. I've been considering making him pay rent, and then just putting aside until he moves out and giving it to him to put towards his living expenses then. I'm just not sure what to do yet. Matthew will go to 6 weeks of summer school. I'm going to have to keep Tea off her electronic devices that I know she'll be on 24/7 if allowed. I'm worried about what happens after Matthew is done with summer school. The kid just has so much energy, and I'm lacking in the ability to guide him in areas to use it. We may have to go to the beach several days a week. Hopefully there won't be too many people there.
College does not seem to be in the direct future for our boy. He has a hard time keeping up. We learned this with the two classes that he tried taking his senior year. He desperately wants to be a video game designer, and he's already been applying online. I'm not sure how you go about doing that, but we're encouraging him to follow his dream, but we're also telling him that he also has to have a job that he can support himself while he waits for his dream job to come through. Currently he's working for my sister at her laundromat. He's not going to be able to make a living wage on that, though, so he's either going to have to look for a second job (which I don't think he'd be able to handle), or look for help through federal subsidies. He'll stay at home for awhile, I'm sure.
What's next for Mom??? Not much will change as long as Bryan is still living at home. We'll have to set up some new boundaries and expectations now that he's graduating, of course. I've been considering making him pay rent, and then just putting aside until he moves out and giving it to him to put towards his living expenses then. I'm just not sure what to do yet. Matthew will go to 6 weeks of summer school. I'm going to have to keep Tea off her electronic devices that I know she'll be on 24/7 if allowed. I'm worried about what happens after Matthew is done with summer school. The kid just has so much energy, and I'm lacking in the ability to guide him in areas to use it. We may have to go to the beach several days a week. Hopefully there won't be too many people there.
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