I've been in turmoil over the past few days (weeks?), and I've had a hard time figuring out why. I tried to blame it on the steroids and other medications that I've had to take to deal with my bi-polar disorder, but for some reason, that just didn't seem like that was it. Today was a horrible day. I flipped out on the cat and the kids. I knew I couldn't handle being alone with any of them. I had to call Nick home because I was afraid that I was going to hurt somebody. Not myself, or at least I wasn't sure if I was going to hurt myself or not, but it didn't feel like it, but I did feel like I was going to hurt somebody else. I spent the afternoon drugged up on an extra dose of anti-psychotics and some anti-anxiety meds, and with Nick being home, I slept the whole afternoon. When I woke up, though, I felt all crazy again. I ended up taking a hot bath and trying to evaluate my feelings.
I'm stuck on trying to control everything. My sister and I are headed up to Duluth tomorrow, and ideally we'd like to leave no later than 8:30. My mom pounced on that time and wants to have lunch at 11:30 then. My sister wants to stop by her son's house before lunch, though. I don't know how long that will take. There's other sisters in here who also are working within our time limits. I don't want to work within time limits. I want to just say, okay, we're here, let's meet. I can't do the stress and pressure of trying to get so many people together. And that's where all these feelings are coming up. I figured it out. Now if I knew where and how to solve it.
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