Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Matthew is off with my in-laws, and I have to say, it's been peaceful and nice. Yesterday I was able to do my chores, go to the gym, hang out without having to worry about interrupting naptime, etc. I miss him dearly, but it's been super peaceful. The funny thing is that I've been waking up earlier without him here, which is just odd. Normally with him here I just want to sleep in. I don't want to get up and start the day. These past few days I've been up and ready to go. Dressed, coffee started, etc.

Today I have an appointment with my therapist and then get to rush off to an appointment with my psychiatric nurse. I think after those appointments I'll head to the gym. I know before the appointments I have to drop off clothes for Five Loaves. Their clothing area is under construction right now, but the sign on the door says that you can drop clothes off with the food shelf.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Today is my birthday, and it has been a wonderful birthday weekend. Last night Nick and I went out to Brady's for dinner. We originally went there because they were supposed to have a band, but hell if either of us knew where the band was. When we were done eating and went outside, we could hear music from somewhere, but we weren't sure where. Oh, well. The food was okay, and I kept the alcohol coming (not that Nick was discouraging that any). When we were done with dinner, we went by the movie theater to check out what movies were playing. The only one I wanted to see didn't start for another hour, so we went back to Somerset. We ended up going to General Sam's and playing darts and pool (and we kept the drinks coming for me). Let me tell you, I had more to drink last in one night than I've had like that in years. I had so much fun. I miss doing stuff like that. I beat Nick in two games of darts (he got me in three), and he kicked my ass at pool. We made it home by 10:30, and by midnight I was paying dearly for all the alcohol I had consumed. It was all good, though, because I slept soundly through the night.

Today Nick's mom came down and Nick and I went to the quilt show, which I consider repayment for all those car shows I'm always going to. Then we had lunch at Birkmose Park, which is my favorite park out of all of them. We just brought Taco Johns there. It was fun. I had us lay down in the leaves and took a picture.

After the park we went to Goodwill and I tried on 10 different tops. Carol had bought me 2 infinity scarves for my birthday, and I wanted some tops to wear them with. Out of the 10 tops, I liked 5 of them. Plus I got a puffy vest. So maybe this fall I can start dressing a little more fashionably. Maybe I can start feeling a little better about myself.

Carol took Matthew home with her. He'll be there until Saturday. I'm going up Friday for a birthday party, then I'll spend Friday night at Mom's house and pick up Matthew on Saturday morning. By then I'll probably be more than ready to pick him up. Part of me felt guilty putting him in that car seat and sending him off today. I wondered if he cried when Carol drove off, or if he was confused when I wasn't going with him. He was so quiet and still when I put him in the car seat, which he usually only is when he's not sure about a situation. I can only hope that he'll be fine.

Friday, September 26, 2014

I am having a perilously hard day today. I feel mean and depressed at the same time. I'm sick of these dogs all over me all the time. I feel impatient with Matthew and his crabbiness. I know that his moods reflect my own (they always have), and that I need to calm down in order for him to calm down, but I just can't manage it. I'm tired of my house being a total pigsty, but I have no desire to do anything to change it. I can't tell you how long it's been since anything has been vacuumed. And the living room table hasn't been cleaned off in God knows how long. I'm just sick of it all. It makes me growl.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

It's funny how I can question my love for my children, but then something happens and I hop into super-mommy mode. Matthew started puking last night, and I held him close to me and brought him into the bathroom to shower. He started puking again, and I just held him some more, letting it get on me. After I got him into the shower, I started cleaning up. When I had cleaned up the bathroom, I had Nick watch Matthew in the shower while I cleaned up the living room. In all that time, there was never a feeling of resentment, just love and pity that Matthew was having to go through this. He looked so miserable right before he puked (and I knew he was going to just by the look on his face). It makes me feel relieved to have those feelings, especially after the ones that I have when I question my love.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

I've been working in my Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, and I'd like to put down some skills that I want to remember here.

Radical Acceptance Coping Statements
I can't change what's already happened.
It's no use fighting the past.
The present is the only moment I have control over.
It's a waste of time to fight what's already occurred.

Distract Yourself With Tasks and Chores
Clean out your closet and donate your old clothes.
Redecorate a room or at least the walls.
Go get a manicure or pedicure, or both.
Go get a massage.
Wash your or someone else's car.
Mow the lawn.
Wash the laundry.
Clean the bathtub and then take a bath.
Water your plants or work in the garden.
Pay the bills.
Go to a support meeting, like NA, AA, or OA.

Create Your Distraction Plan
Take deep breaths, counting them.
Do my fingernails - cutting, polishing, etc.
Imagine my wildest fantasy come true.
Sing.
Exercise.
Go out for coffee and shopping.
Take a drive somewhere.
Take a shower.
Cry.
Write letters that I'll never send.

Relaxation and Soothing Skills to Use Away From Home
Go to Starbucks and get a coffee
Go down to the Apple River and listen to the water
Walk down by the St Croix River
Take pictures to create a book
Take a walk by the river in Hudson
Listen to music while walking with Matthew
Keep hard candy or suckers in my purse
Wear perfume at all times
Wear my comfy clothes on hard days
Keep my WI Dells sweatshirt in my car

I am actually wearing my comfy clothes today. We've been home all day today. There was nothing on the calendar scheduled for today, and I just felt tired and blah. I dozed on the couch off and on all morning while Matthew played. He actually snuggled with me off and on, too. That was a pleasant surprise. Then he head butted me again, in the same spot he head butted me on my nose as last time. Man, it hurt. I just buried my head in my hands and didn't give him a reaction. I figured maybe if he doesn't get a reaction out of me, he'll stop head butting me. I guess I can hope.

Five things I'm thankful for today:
1. The cats are finally not hissing at each other all the time.
2. Nick has a good job that supports us.
3. I'm healthy and able-bodied.
4. I have a good support system.
5. My kids have spirit.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

The marriage counselor suggested that every day I post five things that I am grateful for to try and change my way of thinking, so here goes:

1. I am grateful Matthew has legs to throw his temper tantrums with.
2. I am grateful for the snuggles the new kitty gives me.
3. I am grateful for the roof over my head and the food in my belly.
4. I am grateful that my daughter is willing to try new things (like currently coloring my hair).
5. I am grateful for diapers, both for children and adults.

I made a list of things I've accomplished today, and on that list I put going into Target today for about 45 minutes and only coming out with the prescription that I went in there for. That's a huge accomplishment! Matthew and I wandered around and looked at Halloween costumes, toys, women's clothes, and I also folded some of the women's jeans and put them back in order. I kind of miss working in retail.

Monday, September 15, 2014

When a man does not know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind. ~Seneca

This is my problem. I don't know which harbor I'm heading for. Therefore my wind isn't the right one. I just need to find my harbor.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

I understand why women run out on their families. I look at my kids and wonder how I've ruined them. I can't talk to my husband. I'm tired of everyone thinking I'm going through a phase. Maybe I am going through a phase, but it's very real to me right now. And who knows how long I'll be going through it? In the mean time, I'm thinking not very nice thoughts about my husband and children, and I just want to get the fuck out of here. I want to take some money, leave my phone, and just drive off to where no one can find me. I don't want any responsibilities. I'm tired of the grocery shopping, tired of the laundry, tired of making sure the kids have everything they need. I'm tired of hearing "Mom" all the time. What happened to being "Amanda"?

I was hoping that joining a mom's group would give me some outlets to get away and give me some better feelings about being a mother, but so far it's just made me feel even more disconnected. I don't feel like these other mothers. They seem so put together and happy. I feel like a big loser. They seem happy with their lives and their children. I feel even more miserable as I talk to them. I'm hoping that if I give it more time, I'll get to know them better, see faults in them like I see in me. Make them more human. I need to see people that are more human. Not miserable, just with faults like I feel there are so many in me.

Monday, September 8, 2014

I was super depressed on Saturday. I couldn't handle it. I went over to Holly's house for a while, and just being with her was enough to lift it. Then I went home, got Matthew, and we went to Starbucks and then to the beach. I let him play with his sand toys, and I buried my feet in the sand. It was relaxing.

On Sunday we got a new kitten. It's Matthew's kitty. The loss of Reeses was just too much. We're not replacing Reeses with this kitty, but it's just like we needed a new life in the house. Something to look forward to coming home to. I still swear I see Reeses in the house. Anyway, Matthew followed this kitty around saying, "Ow, ow," which is how he says Meow. So the kitty's name is Ow. Matthew named his own kitten. Here's a picture of the little guy. He weighs 2 pounds 13 ounces and is about 10 weeks old.

Ow is about as far from Reeses as you can get, looks wise. I was kind of hoping for another Himalayan cat, but like Nick pointed out, we had health issues with Reeses, and we had health issues when we had Glen, who was also a pure-bred of sorts, so we might as well get a good-old barn cat. Like Jasper. We've had no health issues with Jasper. I did take Ow to the vet today and had the full work-up done on him. They gave him something for his ear mites (and in case he has worms), did a feline HIV test (it was negative), and gave me some medicine for his diarrhea. He's using the litter box like a champ, which I was not expecting from a barn cat.

Enough about the kitten. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, and thankfully, it'll be mostly good stuff to report. Bryan also has a dentist appointment and Tea has a therapy appointment, both at the same time, so good thing they're both in the same building.

I started going to a mom's group. I'm hoping to make friends! Yes, that was typed with enthusiasm. They have a book club, even. It starts Thursday, and I'm super excited to start it. It'll give me a chance to read new books and get together with some new moms who share my interests.

Friday, September 5, 2014

It was horrifying putting Reeses down. It was just so sad. They did it in the most humane way possible, but it was like watching a family member die. He was with us for 13 years. It was awful. If you can't tell, I'm really grieving today. Yesterday I came in and saw Jasper at the water bowl and thought it was Reeses. I keep walking into the laundry room and being careful so that I won't step in pee. It hasn't dawned on me yet that I don't have to be careful anymore. I went into Bryan's room today and there was Brock laying on the bed, but no Reeses. It just broke my heart. I'm so sad. I feel so guilty. I feel like, he was a family member, and you wouldn't just get rid of a family member for having problems with their potty issues, so why did I do so? Oh, I'm just heartbroken.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

The depression has somewhat lifted, although there's still a feeling of irritability and meanness around me that I don't like. I get pissed off easily and for no reason. Anybody can be the victim of my wrath, and now with the kids back to school, I have to be especially careful that I'm keeping my anger in check because Matthew is the only one home with me. I don't want to sit here and be yelling at him all the time when he's only being a 2-year-old and doing what he's made to do. (Even if he doesn't turn 2 until November, he's entering that stage now.)

I know one of the reasons I'm irritable and sad is because we're putting Reeses to sleep tonight. Bryan has had that cat for 13 years now. I'm so sad to think that he's not going to be around the house anymore. However, I won't be sad that I won't be picking up poop, pee, and disinfecting Matthew's toys anymore. I've been doing that for over two years now, and enough is enough. Reeses is the last of his litter (as far as I know), and he's had a good life.

We're all going to miss you, buddy.