I understand why women run out on their families. I look at my kids and wonder how I've ruined them. I can't talk to my husband. I'm tired of everyone thinking I'm going through a phase. Maybe I am going through a phase, but it's very real to me right now. And who knows how long I'll be going through it? In the mean time, I'm thinking not very nice thoughts about my husband and children, and I just want to get the fuck out of here. I want to take some money, leave my phone, and just drive off to where no one can find me. I don't want any responsibilities. I'm tired of the grocery shopping, tired of the laundry, tired of making sure the kids have everything they need. I'm tired of hearing "Mom" all the time. What happened to being "Amanda"?
I was hoping that joining a mom's group would give me some outlets to get away and give me some better feelings about being a mother, but so far it's just made me feel even more disconnected. I don't feel like these other mothers. They seem so put together and happy. I feel like a big loser. They seem happy with their lives and their children. I feel even more miserable as I talk to them. I'm hoping that if I give it more time, I'll get to know them better, see faults in them like I see in me. Make them more human. I need to see people that are more human. Not miserable, just with faults like I feel there are so many in me.
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