Thursday, March 31, 2016

I talked with Bryan yesterday and asked him if he was failing his classes because he didn't want to grow up, or if he really didn't understand the material. I asked him to look deep inside of himself for the answer. I told him that he was an adult age now, and the next steps were going to come regardless of what he does. I emailed his special ed teacher to ask what happens if he does fail those classes; does he get to walk across the stage with his class and make them up in summer school, or does he have to repeat senior year? That will make a big difference on the expectations that we put on Bryan for this summer. Hopefully he just won't fail those classes. That would be the ideal outcome. And maybe I need to have faith in my son that he'll pull out of this and get his shit together.

I've been feeling better. I've actually been getting some stuff done around the house. Yesterday I got the dining room table cleaned off so we could actually eat there as a family. I also got laundry started. The hard part is putting the laundry away. I have two baskets of Nick's laundry that I haven't put away yet, and his laundry already needs to be done again. It's an endless cycle! I've currently got Bryan's laundry in the washer and dryer. He usually averages about 3 loads every 10 days or so. I don't mind doing his, because he'll put his own stuff away, and I just hang up his shirts. He told me when he moves out he's just going to have a bunch of crumpled up shirts because he's never going to fold them or hang them up. I told him we'd buy him 5 laundry baskets for his graduation so that he can keep them all in check. Sometimes I wonder how he's going to keep up on things like laundry and feeding himself.

I'm working the 6th step in OA, and I want to get a Plan of Eating written down today. I feel like if I write it down I'll be more likely to stick to it. Maybe if I email it to my sponsor, I'll be more likely to stick to it, too. I don't know why I've been dragging my feet.

I wanted to order one of my Shutterfly books while it was 50% off, but today is the last day and we just don't have the money. Unless I play beat the bank, which is never a good idea.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

I'm at a loss as to what to do with Bryan. He's failing the only two classes he has at the high school. I don't know if he's going to graduate this June. He's not putting an effort forward in his classes. I don't know how he's doing in his college course. I don't even know if he's going. He doesn't want to be a grown up. He doesn't want all the responsibilities. I can't shelter him anymore. I just don't know what to do. He was supposed to fill out a job application for Dollar General today with his Work Force worker, but who even knows if he did that? I contacted his chemistry teacher at school, who Bryan says he clashes with, and she says she's given him every available opportunity, but he either leaves class or just sits with his head on the desk. And the thing is, I can totally see him doing this! How is he going to make it in the real world? Urgh, I just feel sick about this all. He has such a way of seeing things that everybody is against him; he just doesn't see that people are trying to help him. Maybe I need to get him signed up for DBT.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

I am starting to feel a bit more positive about things. I talked to Nick about how deep we are with the mortgage. He also talked to someone at the Credit Union (I sent in an email), and we have to get them a few documents to see if they can help us. I think Nick is bringing those documents in after work today. I went into Wells Fargo and paid off the rest of December's payment, so at least we're caught up that far. That's still 4 months behind, but 4 is less than 5. Now I just have to figure out what we're going to do about Xcel Energy. Disconnect date is April 15, and I want to say we have $1,400 to pay on that. I believe we have to get it down to $600 before they'll work with us on a payment plan. I'm trying, I tell ya.

Besides bills, Matthew is stressing me out. He's so much of his own independent person! He wants to do everything for himself, and he wants his own way! He's also very interested in how everything works. You can't take your eye off of him for a minute. His teacher was emailing the parents asking if there was any interest for a summer program in June, and I was all like, "HELL YEAH!" So more information is supposed to go out about that at a later date.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

We received our mortgage statement in the mail yesterday. I just don't know how we're supposed to catch up. We had it figured out on paper, and it looked so good on paper, but we couldn't stick to it, and now we're even farther behind. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to talk to Nick about it because he's going to freak out and get WAY angry, and I don't want to deal with that. I have enough anxiety as it is. So I emailed a credit union to see if they have a mortgage lender that we could work with. If they do and they won't work with me on my own, then I'll tell Nick. In the meantime, I'll just keep putting as much on the mortgage as I can, stop spending what we don't have, and cut corners where I can.

The kids were really bummed when I said we weren't doing anything for Easter this year. Maybe I'll try to whip together a few baskets. I just really am not into the celebrating mood. They were bummed, though, when they found out that they wouldn't be searching for baskets this year. And it is Bryan's last year at home. I don't know.

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Feeling like a super mommy failure today. Matthew has been so much to handle these past two days. Today I know it's because he's just so overtired. He went to bed way too late last night and woke up too early for how late he went to bed. Right now it's 7:30 and he's crashed on the living room floor. I suppose I'll have to carry him up to his room in a little bit, but for now I'm enjoying the peace and quiet. I just can't keep up with him, and I'm going to start calling around to day cares to see where I can get him in (the sooner the better).

We're trusting Bryan with the car tomorrow to go to his college class and then make it to school. He also has a meeting with the work force lady after school at the library to fill out applications. Here's hoping something turns out for him. I know he's frustrated right now, but we're also frustrated with him. He has no sense of direction at this time, and he needs to start thinking about what it means to be an adult. I know this is a scary time to him, but it's scary for us, too, to think that he doesn't have an idea about what he'll be doing.

Tea's going to be trying out for cheerleading in the coming weeks. She seems pretty excited about it. I'm trying not to push her too hard, but I really want this for her. I know that I've forced her into doing things that I wanted for myself (like dance), and cheerleading is one of those things. I probably have overly high expectations for her.

I need to finish up a scrapbook I'm making on Shutterfly. I think that's going to be my goal tonight while Tea's at dance. This is her long night, so it gives me plenty of time to mess around with the book. Hopefully I can get it done, because I'll be ordering a 45 page book next Wednesday, then I'll have another two books to order if I can get this one done.

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Sometimes, well, quite often, I feel like I'm really bad at this whole adulting thing. I can't seem to score very high points in mothering, and wifery is just sucky. I guess it's just a down day today.

Bryan told me he doesn't like his family, meaning the other four of us who live in the house. He thinks we yell and whine and we're too chaotic. Trust me, I know how he feels, and I know the feeling of not liking it, and I know all too well the feeling of wanting to escape. It just makes me feel very sad for him. I really need for him to do his parts, though, and go to school, attend his college classes, and get a regular job, if he ever thinks he's going to be able to move out and make it on his own. Otherwise he's kind of stuck here.

My food has been going terribly. I'm eating constantly, and I had a brownie tonight. I think I'm going to cave and have another brownie, too. My huge trigger food. I knew I shouldn't have brought them into the house.

Friday, March 11, 2016

Bryan was supposed to go to this workforce thing yesterday and today. I'm not sure if it's a seminar or conference, but it's supposed to give him options for what he wants to do after high school, and here's the kicker...he gets PAID for it! So yesterday he made it through half the day, and today he planted his feet and crossed his arms and told me he wasn't going. What am I supposed to do? Dress my 18-year-old kid, force him into the car, and take him? So he didn't go. He lost out on money for an easy day of listening to what his options are after high school. I can't begin to tell you the disappointment that I felt. But if he's going to be happy working a fast food job, good on him. Someone has to do it. I just feel bad because he had such high hopes for his future, and he's realizing that the way to get to the end product is hard. But I have to let go and let God, because I cannot control this situation, and I cannot control my son. I can only pray for what's best for him and that God will guide his path, the way mine is being guided now.

*Just a side note, Bryan is not working a fast food job, but he is working in the kitchen at the school over the lunch hours.

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

It's getting to be that time of the year where all we think about right now is dance. Pictures are coming up. I have to purchase tights and a bun kit. (Tea's getting her hair colored before pictures, so I have to hold off on the bun kit.) Just these little things. But there's something different this year. The recital is a little later, and it's exactly one weekend after Bryan's graduation.

So I'm going to think about things as they come up. First, I'm getting Bryan through this spring break week. He's had lots of appointments and meetings. He gets driving privileges back at the end of the month, but Nick and I were talking that we'd let him take the car to college on Mondays and Wednesdays so that it's not too much of a chauffeuring job for me. Part of me thinks I need to drive him those first couple of classes; part of me really wants to trust him. I guess we'll see, since I'll be driving Tea to school anyway.

In the beginning of April I'll be concentrating on dance stuff. The t-shirt orders are due on the 7th, and pictures are the 11th and 12th. Thankfully, Tea's hair can be however she wants it for pictures, so we don't have to get the bun kit yet. I think I'm going to order a collage this year, seeing as how she's in 4 different dance classes. Even if she just wears the 3 costumes, that will still make a nice showing.

Sunday, March 6, 2016

I feel like life is going down the toilet again now that Mom has gone home. I'm having more anxiety attacks. My house is falling apart. I've picked up the smoking habit once more. I feel like they all tie into each other. My house falls apart, which gives me anxiety attacks, which makes me want to smoke to feel better. It's a mess. The kids are helping out with chores, but I'm so busy seeing what's not getting done. My living room looks like a bedding store exploded in there. I know it won't take much to clean it up, but I just feel paralyzed whenever I look into it.

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. That's how I need to look at getting things done. One small thing at a time.

Saturday, March 5, 2016

My mom left this morning. It was really nice to have her here with us this past week, and it wasn't as hard to see her go like it was the last time. That's an indication that I'm getting better. The increase in prozac must be working. Of course, my mom left and the whole house fell to shit. Nobody really kept a close eye on Matthew all day so he got to do pretty much whatever he wanted. He played in the sink and emptied out about half a bottle of Dawn dish washing liquid into little cups. He took a bottle of Tea's hair styling stuff out of the closet and proceeded to dump it, fill it up with water, and then dump the water all over the hallway in the upstairs area. Then he slipped on that. It sucked to clean up. It's probably the first time the floors upstairs have actually been scrubbed, too. I get such a kick out of watching Matthew do what he wants to do or whatever he's doing. The concentration on his face amazes me, and I just get such feelings of joy and love. I realize I'm creating a monster letting him do what he wants, but I also want him to be able to explore that part of him that creative and artistic.

I met with my new therapist on Friday, and I really like her. She's down-to-earth and she has a sense of humor. She seems like she's going to be easy to work with; like I've known her for awhile and she'll be easy to talk to. I'll also be able to set up appointments with my psychiatric nurse for the time slot before I see the therapist, so it'll work out well on saving me too many trips into Woodbury.

Kids are on spring break next week. I'm not really looking forward to having them home all week. Bryan does have a meeting with someone at the college on Monday, and then a work force meeting on Thursday and Friday. I don't know what direction that kid is headed for after high school just yet. I guess we'll see where the rest of high school takes him, and see if he can pass that college course that he's gotten so far behind on.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

My mom is here again this week. I'm still having a lot of "not wanting to get out of bed and cope like a normal human being" behavior issues, but I'm getting there. I meet with my PN Jill tomorrow, and we'll see what she has to say about how she thinks I'm doing from last week. At least I don't feel like I'm dead or like I want to be dead. There's something to be said for that.

I often wonder how we put in another addiction when we give up one addiction. Because I can totally see me replacing food with gambling. Over the weekend, my sister and I hit the casino. I lost bad, but I had such a good time doing it, and I just would have kept putting more and more money in if I had it. I can see me taking all my money each month and just going to the penny slots and blowing it. It's a better high than eating, which leaves me sick to my stomach. But gambling leaves me sick in another way, like knowing that I put money in a machine that I meant to use for buying milk and eggs, and now I have nothing for that.