Thursday, August 28, 2014
Thursday, August 28, 2014
It occurs to me that I felt a lot better whenever I was drunk, so I've decided to just start throwing them back.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Numb, Tuesday, August 26, 2014
I'm feeling a little numb right now. Kind of like, "Hey, husband, how about a divorce, and you can keep the children, and I'll just run off and become a hermit? That sound good?" I'm just so spent. Tuesdays Holly takes Matthew so that I can go see my therapist and run my other errands, but I never get any time to myself. I just want some time to myself. I don't know what I'd do with it, though.
Here's the positives I'll look forward to:
On Thursday, I'm going to the Hudson Mom's Group get together at the park. It's their beginning of the year thing, and I'm hoping to meet some new moms and hopefully have Matthew be able to play with some new kids. I'm hoping that the group won't be cliquish, and that I'll be able to connect with at least a few people so that I won't feel so lonely all the time.
Next Friday, I'm taking Matthew to Romp and Stomp at the Centre. It's a place for walkers through age 8 to get together and play in bouncy houses and other play equipment. Again, I'm hoping to meet other parents and hoping that Matthew will get to play with other kids.
Maybe these are high hopes, but at least I'm going out and trying.
On the therapist side of things, I asked about the DBT group. She's going to make a referral and I should be hearing from the coordinator of the group for an intake. I really have no idea what the group is about, other than trying to regulate your emotions. But the logistics of it is what is up in the air for me. When does it meet, for how long, etc? I'm still hesitant about it, but I think it would be best for me, especially considering how I'm feeling about my home life right now.
Here's the positives I'll look forward to:
On Thursday, I'm going to the Hudson Mom's Group get together at the park. It's their beginning of the year thing, and I'm hoping to meet some new moms and hopefully have Matthew be able to play with some new kids. I'm hoping that the group won't be cliquish, and that I'll be able to connect with at least a few people so that I won't feel so lonely all the time.
Next Friday, I'm taking Matthew to Romp and Stomp at the Centre. It's a place for walkers through age 8 to get together and play in bouncy houses and other play equipment. Again, I'm hoping to meet other parents and hoping that Matthew will get to play with other kids.
Maybe these are high hopes, but at least I'm going out and trying.
On the therapist side of things, I asked about the DBT group. She's going to make a referral and I should be hearing from the coordinator of the group for an intake. I really have no idea what the group is about, other than trying to regulate your emotions. But the logistics of it is what is up in the air for me. When does it meet, for how long, etc? I'm still hesitant about it, but I think it would be best for me, especially considering how I'm feeling about my home life right now.
Monday, August 25, 2014
Waking Up Early, Monday, August 25, 2014
I set my alarm to wake up early today. I got the living room floor vacuumed and had quiet time to myself before Matthew woke up. It was nice and peaceful. It made me feel relaxed. It was a great feeling. Then I had to wake up the other kids. What a stress. I ended up taking Matthew to the park and got coffee to kill some time. I didn't want to come home. I get so tired of arguing with Tea. This morning's argument was about the fact that I set up an opportunity for her to learn how to use some of the cardio machines at the gym tomorrow. Apparently she doesn't want to. I don't care. I think it's good for her to learn how to do those things in case we ever want to go work out as a family. And it's not going to kill her to not hang out with her 16-year-old friends and hang out with her family. I'm still not pleased about the fact that she has 16-year-old friends. That's just too old for a 12-year-old girl.
So now I'm relaxing in my room. I have a pleasant candle going, I'm laying in the dark, and I have my soap opera on. I have to do a check in with my therapist here within the next hour or so, and I'd like it to be a relatively relaxed check in. I'm not feeling depressed, just irritable. I'm not feeling as anxious as I was yesterday (and believe me, anxiety basically overtook my entire body yesterday).
So Mommyhood today basically consists of hiding in my room. Some great mother I am, huh?
So now I'm relaxing in my room. I have a pleasant candle going, I'm laying in the dark, and I have my soap opera on. I have to do a check in with my therapist here within the next hour or so, and I'd like it to be a relatively relaxed check in. I'm not feeling depressed, just irritable. I'm not feeling as anxious as I was yesterday (and believe me, anxiety basically overtook my entire body yesterday).
So Mommyhood today basically consists of hiding in my room. Some great mother I am, huh?
Saturday, August 23, 2014
A Hard Day, Saturday, August 23, 2014
Today was a day when the depression just wouldn't let go of me. I've been struggling pretty hard all day. Thankfully there haven't been any tears, but I've just been walking around in what feels like a state of nothingness. I wish I felt the feelings of hope that I had felt just a few days ago (was it even yesterday that I felt that way?). I'm hoping that tomorrow I wake up with a brighter feeling.
Friday, August 22, 2014
Emotional Rollercoaster, Friday, August 22, 2014
Today has been a series of ups and downs. I saw my therapist this morning, which was good. I went in with some hope that things are finally going to get better. I had a renewed hope in me. The day kind of went down from there. The depression hit me. Then it got a little better again. Then it got worse. I just hate depression. You never know what's going on with it.
Nick's parents came down and took the two older kids out today. I think that was wonderful of them. It's nice for the kids to know their grandparents. Carol complimented me before they left. She said I'm doing a wonderful job with the kids, raising them. I burst into tears. I felt like such a fraud. I think I made her feel bad. She came over and just hugged me while I cried on her shoulder. After she left I went up and just cried in my room. I hate feeling like a fraud. I feel like I can barely take care of myself, so how am I doing a good job taking care of my kids?
I'm going to start working on my DBT workbook. My therapist and my psychiatric nurse want me to start a DBT program, to which I am opposed, but I'll start the workbook and see where I want to go from there.
Nick's parents came down and took the two older kids out today. I think that was wonderful of them. It's nice for the kids to know their grandparents. Carol complimented me before they left. She said I'm doing a wonderful job with the kids, raising them. I burst into tears. I felt like such a fraud. I think I made her feel bad. She came over and just hugged me while I cried on her shoulder. After she left I went up and just cried in my room. I hate feeling like a fraud. I feel like I can barely take care of myself, so how am I doing a good job taking care of my kids?
I'm going to start working on my DBT workbook. My therapist and my psychiatric nurse want me to start a DBT program, to which I am opposed, but I'll start the workbook and see where I want to go from there.
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Dammit! Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Just when I think I might be doing a little better, hanging in there a little more, I get hit with intrusive thoughts that knock the wind out of me and make me wonder what type of person I really am. What kind of mother am I? What type of person seriously considers harming another person? And even if I actually didn't seriously consider it, why would these types of thoughts run through my head in the first place? Am I psycho? Is there something seriously wrong with me? Do I have an insane gene running through my brain that nobody has found yet? What if it's too late when it is found? These are all the things that I worry about. No wonder I'm so full of anxiety all of the time.
I'm still doing daily check-ins with my therapist. I go see my psychiatric nurse tomorrow. Hopefully this can get figured out so I can get back to some type of normal. I don't fear for anybody's safety, so that's good. Just my own sanity. That's the only thing I fear for - my sanity.
I'm still doing daily check-ins with my therapist. I go see my psychiatric nurse tomorrow. Hopefully this can get figured out so I can get back to some type of normal. I don't fear for anybody's safety, so that's good. Just my own sanity. That's the only thing I fear for - my sanity.
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Guess Who Didn't Keep Up? Tuesday, August 19, 2014
My last post was in June, when I was struggling. Let's move on from there.
I finished IOP, and I did well. I learned coping skills for the intrusive thoughts. I began to feel less overwhelmed at home. I used my meds to become less anxious and also learned coping skills for anxiety. I graduated a happier person on the first of July. I was very proud of myself for finishing.
Bryan and I flew out to Maryland that first week of July for our yearly deal with the National Institute of Mental Health. I had a lot of anxiety out there (I don't know why), and they ended up flying us out a day early. We were done with all of our testing, so it didn't screw anything up, and it greatly relieved the pressure that I was feeling.
Depression hit me again, and I'm not sure when it happened. But it's bad. I cry a lot, I'm having a hard time taking care of things around the house, I'm having a hard time taking care of me, of the kids, etc. I'm having to do check-ins with my therapist daily again, and I'm meeting with her at least twice a week. I meet with my psychiatric nurse this week to see if anything can be done with my meds to help me feel better. I'm hoping they can play with my bipolar antidepressant a little. I need something done. I hate this feeling. I can't even write about it because I can't describe it. People ask what they can do for me and I don't know what to tell them, because I don't even know what they can do. I'm taking no pleasure in being a mother or a wife, and I feel a great amount of guilt because of that. And the guilt doesn't help when it piles onto the depression.
So that's just a quick catch-up.
I finished IOP, and I did well. I learned coping skills for the intrusive thoughts. I began to feel less overwhelmed at home. I used my meds to become less anxious and also learned coping skills for anxiety. I graduated a happier person on the first of July. I was very proud of myself for finishing.
Bryan and I flew out to Maryland that first week of July for our yearly deal with the National Institute of Mental Health. I had a lot of anxiety out there (I don't know why), and they ended up flying us out a day early. We were done with all of our testing, so it didn't screw anything up, and it greatly relieved the pressure that I was feeling.
Depression hit me again, and I'm not sure when it happened. But it's bad. I cry a lot, I'm having a hard time taking care of things around the house, I'm having a hard time taking care of me, of the kids, etc. I'm having to do check-ins with my therapist daily again, and I'm meeting with her at least twice a week. I meet with my psychiatric nurse this week to see if anything can be done with my meds to help me feel better. I'm hoping they can play with my bipolar antidepressant a little. I need something done. I hate this feeling. I can't even write about it because I can't describe it. People ask what they can do for me and I don't know what to tell them, because I don't even know what they can do. I'm taking no pleasure in being a mother or a wife, and I feel a great amount of guilt because of that. And the guilt doesn't help when it piles onto the depression.
So that's just a quick catch-up.
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