Thursday, October 23, 2014

Just because I'm feeling better doesn't mean I don't have my hard days. Today is a hard day. I literally am having a difficult time taking care of Matthew. I don't feel like I can do it. I'm counting down until nap time. I'm going to do some yoga when he goes down. Then maybe I'll take a nap, too. We went to his ABC for Kids this morning, and it was a complete disaster. He just ran around like a little monkey and didn't listen to directions at all. I don't know what I actually expected out of him. Right now he's eating the quesedilla I made him for lunch, and I let him basically just tear apart the house because I just don't care right now.

Monday, October 20, 2014

I gotta tell ya, by 8:00 this morning, I was wishing it was nap time. I had a feeling it was going to be one of "those" days, and I really didn't want that. So I sat Matthew in his high chair in the living room, gave him some pears and toast, and hopped into the shower with the door open. I'd peek out occasionally and he'd laugh at me. He was still working on his toast when I got out of the shower (yep, I was that fast), so I let him out of his high chair while I went up and got dressed. When I came downstairs, we went to Target. I figured I needed yogurt bites, and Target was as good a place as any to get them. The drive to Stillwater is longer than the drive to New Richmond (Wal Mart). We like Target. And it would just kill time. We ended up getting yogurt bites, teddy grahams, and an air freshener for my car. When we got home, Matthew turned into Hurricane Matthew. He unloaded the lazy susan and lined everything up in the dining room. Then he helped me unload the dishwasher. Then he started loading things into the oven. When I put him into baby jail so I could clean up his mess in the dining room (which I wanted to take a picture of, but Tea borrowed my camera and hasn't returned it yet), he proceeded to unload his toy box all over the living room and drive the toy box around. He was a busy, busy boy. I waited until he got crabby before giving him a bottle and changing him. Then I put him down for a nap. I could hear him playing in his crib for awhile before finally falling asleep. You know, that was just over an hour ago. I'm afraid of what he's going to be like when he wakes up. He could still be Hurricane Matthew, he could be Crabby Matthew, or he could just be Calm Matthew. I know which one I'm hoping for, and it's not the first two!

I'm starting to feel less depressed. I think the Prozac is finally kicking in. The psychiatric nurse kicked up the dosage to 30 mg, and she took me off the Latuda. I've also been practicing yoga, which helps immensely. It's something that I can do at home, and I found this beginner's relaxation yoga video. I also still try to hit the gym, but the yoga is just amazing. I've also lost 4 pounds, and I'd like to think that's because of all the water that I've been drinking lately. So it's nice to start feeling good again.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Today was a good day, and I think it's really important to remember the good days. It didn't start out so great. Matthew woke up just after 7, and I had very little patience with him. He was incredibly crabby because he wasn't feeling well, and I just couldn't take it. I ended up turning on the Top 20 Countdown for him, which is proven to calm him down. Between that and a bottle, he became more bearable. I woke up Nick just after 9 to take over on Matthew duty, and then I got to sleep in until almost 11.

I had to go to Target to fill a prescription. While I was waiting for my prescription, I sat at the Starbucks there, had a coffee, and surfed my Facebook. It was fabulous just taking the time out and doing nothing. It made me so relaxed. Then I got to come home. Not so relaxed at home. Matthew is still crabby because he doesn't feel well. He's been crabbing all afternoon. Nick is in some sort of weird mood. I hate it when Nick is in a mood, because it throws off everyone in the house. I'm not sure if he realizes how much he affects everyone. (Is it affects or effects?)

Saturday, October 18, 2014

I haven't written, because I thought, who wants to hear somebody complain all the time? Then I remembered that this is a blog for me, and it's cathartic, and if I want to write and complain, that's what I'm going to do.

Things have been hard. As in, seeing my therapist twice a week, doing check-in calls, considering the hospital hard. I've been trying to make life as "normal" as possible. I've been going out and doing things with the mom's group. I've started doing yoga (I found a beginner's video on youtube that I really like) and am trying to get to the gym. But the days with Matthew are still hard, and I find myself getting frustrated easily. I had a day the other day where I felt like overdosing on pills, which is something drastic that I would have done in the past. Instead I took a nap, had some chamomile tea, and cleaned the bathroom sink. I'm trying to find healthy ways to deal with all of these feelings, but I feel like people don't understand how hard I'm struggling. I feel like something drastic would make people understand how hard I am struggling. But I know that's stupid. Well, my wise mind knows that's stupid.

Yes, wise mind. I started the DBT program. I've only been there once, but I like it so far. The people are very open and welcoming. The subject matter is interesting. I'm hoping that between the program and therapy I can get what I need.

Matthew is suffering one heck of a cold right now, so I've kept him home from things we were supposed to do. On Thursday he was supposed to have ABC for Kids (which is agility, balance, coordination), and we stayed home from that, and we were supposed to go to mom's group. Instead we went to the doctor because Matthew was pulling on his ears and I was concerned he had an ear infection to go along with his cold. But it's only a cold. His nose is nasty and he has one heck of a cough, but he'll be okay. He's crabby, but hopefully he'll be better soon. I put him in steamy showers to hopefully loosen everything up, and I bought tissues with lotion in them to be more gentle to his tiny nose.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Was it easier being a mom when Matthew was just a baby? I don't remember. All I know is that it's very difficult now, to the point where I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to listen to the screaming and crying and whining. I just want to put him in his crib all day and let him complain up there. Of course I don't. I keep him with me and try to keep him entertained. We watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse when it's on, because that's one of his favorite shows. We go out shopping together, because he likes to get out of the house. When it's nice out we go to the park. But there are times like now, when I've just had too much, when I feel like I'm going to snap, when I put him in his crib so that I can take a time out. It's hard since I no longer smoke. That used to be my time out time. I'd take Matthew and put him in his outside baby jail and smoke from a far enough spot away that he wouldn't get the second hand smoke. He loved being outside, I loved the break, and everything was okay again. Man, I miss smoking. So now I'm trying to find ways to take these little breaks without freaking out.

I feel like such a bad mother. I wanted Matthew so bad, and yet it seems like I really don't want him. I think it's just more difficult as an older mother than I imagined. You'd think because I've done this twice before that it would be that much easier. It's not. It just seems to be harder. I'm fighting my bipolar disorder. I'm fighting what I feel is extended post partum depression. I'm fighting intrusive thoughts. I'm fighting, fighting, fighting. I'm sick of fighting it all. I just want to feel better and be the mom that I know I can be.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

It's that time of the week where the depression hits me ferociously. I feel like a bad mother, a bad person. I'm sunk into this pit of despair and I'm having a hard time pulling out of it. I just put Matthew down for a nap and now I feel like crawling under a rock and just staying there. Instead I'm sitting on the couch in what sunlight I can, typing out how I feel. I feel like tanning again, meds be damned.

My house desperately needs to be cleaned. There's so much I wanted to do while Matthew was gone last week, and I got none of it done. I really could've had him gone for another week easily without feeling guilty about it. I guess I'm just going to assign chores to the kids so that things get done that need to be done.

On the plus side, the cats are getting along better. Ow has made his way upstairs. Jasper is currently in the living room letting Ow play with him (with a minimum of hissing). It took awhile, but it's happened - they're getting along! And the dogs no longer want to eat Ow, so that's always a positive.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

After the day I've had with Matthew, I sometimes wonder if I'm just too old to be a mother to a 2-year-old. I have zero patience with him. I can't take the whining and the crying. I want him to listen, which we all know he doesn't do at this age. And then I wonder why other's children listen and mine doesn't. I've seen a 2-year-old who will follow simple orders. Matthew runs the opposite way from following orders. I'm just so frustrated. I know I'm not a good mother with him. I ignore him when I can. I'm not as gentle as I could be with him when he's acting up. I'm nothing like those other mothers that I'm constantly comparing myself to. Maybe that's why he's such a monster for me: because I'm a monster to him.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

The intrusive thoughts have been happening more and more often, and they're getting bad again. I keep picturing things happening to Matthew (like him suffocating himself with a plastic bag while trying to take a nap) or to Nick (a machine falling on him while he's working in the garage). I can't relax when these thoughts come on and it causes all sorts of anxiety. I don't remember how to talk myself out of these thoughts anymore, either. I don't remember the positive thoughts that I'm supposed to remember, because it doesn't seem to work when I'm having these intrusive thoughts anymore.