Was it easier being a mom when Matthew was just a baby? I don't remember. All I know is that it's very difficult now, to the point where I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to listen to the screaming and crying and whining. I just want to put him in his crib all day and let him complain up there. Of course I don't. I keep him with me and try to keep him entertained. We watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse when it's on, because that's one of his favorite shows. We go out shopping together, because he likes to get out of the house. When it's nice out we go to the park. But there are times like now, when I've just had too much, when I feel like I'm going to snap, when I put him in his crib so that I can take a time out. It's hard since I no longer smoke. That used to be my time out time. I'd take Matthew and put him in his outside baby jail and smoke from a far enough spot away that he wouldn't get the second hand smoke. He loved being outside, I loved the break, and everything was okay again. Man, I miss smoking. So now I'm trying to find ways to take these little breaks without freaking out.
I feel like such a bad mother. I wanted Matthew so bad, and yet it seems like I really don't want him. I think it's just more difficult as an older mother than I imagined. You'd think because I've done this twice before that it would be that much easier. It's not. It just seems to be harder. I'm fighting my bipolar disorder. I'm fighting what I feel is extended post partum depression. I'm fighting intrusive thoughts. I'm fighting, fighting, fighting. I'm sick of fighting it all. I just want to feel better and be the mom that I know I can be.
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