Sunday, August 30, 2015

I've been in a very bad spot this past week. I've been suicidal and very anxious about absolutely everything. I've been living on Klonopin to make it through the days. Today is the first day where I've actually been able to make it through without taking anything and without having a panic attack. I tried going grocery shopping the other night and sat in the parking lot crying for about 20 minutes. When I finally got the courage to go into the store, I grabbed a cart, walked in, and walked right back out again. Then I sat in my car crying some more. When I got home I didn't want to talk about any of it to Nick (because I had been contemplating 20 ways to kill myself) because I was paranoid that he would one day use it against me. Oh, good grief, I was a hot mess.

I've taken out my DBT stuff. I'm hoping that I can start with mindfulness again and get back to where I used to be when I was in a good spot. I'm not a good mother right now. I'm not a good wife. I need some help. I go see a new therapist tomorrow. We'll see how it goes.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

I get so tired of trying. I get so tired of living. I've never felt like I'm a part of this world, and sometimes, it just gets so hard to go on. I feel like I'm being unfair to my children by giving them a mental mother who can't be relied upon to give them a stable life. I feel like I'm being unfair to my husband by not being the woman he deserves, an equal partner.

But then I remember that I have a 100% success rate of getting through times like these. I've made it through worse, and I'll continue to get through the bad. I'll make it through this anxiety and depression. I'll come out stronger. And life will seem boring again because there will be no chaos in my life, and I won't know what to do with myself. When life is boring, I cry because there's nothing going on. When life is chaotic, I cry because I can't handle all the stress and anxiety. I am a drama queen.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Today is one of those days where I feel like a complete failure as a mother. I wonder why I had children knowing that I had a mental illness and it would greatly affect my children's lives and the way I would parent. Is it fair to them that I can't handle the regular roles of mommyhood sometimes because I'm lying in bed crying and can't even take care of myself to shower? This morning I can barely see through the tears. I have my depression blend of essential oils diffusing hoping to get my mood up a little. Once again, I've been doing my deep breathing exercises. I want to be a good mother to my children, but I feel like such a failure.

It's so hard when the kids are at Matthew's age. There's so many fun things that I want to do with him, but he's into "NO!" big time right now, and he throws a bunch of temper tantrums. I just can't take it. I don't know of a positive redirection for him that will work, and the negative stuff just makes everything all the more negative. Our sleep problems with him are just exacerbating the problem. He doesn't get to sleep very well at night, so waking up in the morning and being agreeable to getting dressed and ready is a beast. I just keep working with the warm baths with lavender and the peace and calming essential oils. I truly believe these essential oils will work given enough time.

I feel like a failure even with the bigger kids. I'm not sure that Bryan is ready for his senior year. I have all sorts of hopes for him. He'll be working in the kitchen over the lunch hours washing dishes, and he'll hopefully taking some college courses second semester, but I worry about him dropping classes because he doesn't "like" them. Tea is nervous for 8th grade because she said 7th sucked so much. I've tried telling them that if they go into these years with a positive attitude, things can turn out better than if they go in with a negative attitude. It's hard to believe when I feel like such a negative nelly myself.

I just keep going everyday, pulling myself up and trudging through what feels like muddy water. I've been taking my anti-anxiety pills more in the past week than I have in months, and I've been using stress relief essential oils the past few days. I just feel like there's so much going on.

Matthew should start school in November (if he qualifies for Early Childhood Education), and that will get rid of our daycare bill, so we'll be saving money there. Our debt management program will also be done in December, so that will be more money there as well. Hopefully we can get caught up on things like the mortgage and taxes while still keeping up with the dental bill and other such medical bills that I've been paying. All this stress just shuts me down.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

I'm trying to take today with a much more positive attitude, but Matthew is about 5 steps ahead of me today, and it's making it a little difficult. I woke up this morning to him at his gate without his pull up on. He seemed to have something on his arm (dare I say...poop), so I ran him a bath. While he was bathing, I did a cleaning of his room (the bathroom and his room are right across from each other). I found poop on the floor and he had peed on the bed. So I got that mess cleaned up, and after he was out of the bath, I really started cleaning his room. I picked up all of the books, put away the toys, threw clothes into the hamper, etc.

I had Matthew nicely settled in the living room eating and watching Netflix when I decided to try and scrub his mattress with some baking soda. All quiet on that front. After the baking soda dried, I took the vacuum cleaner up to vacuum any extra soda up and vacuum the throw rug. I'd say I was up there for 7 minutes. That's way too long to leave a 2-year-old in another room. I came back downstairs and he had taken 100 pictures on my phone and plucked 9 keys off my keyboard. I deleted the pictures, but I still can't get 4 of the keys on my keyboard.

Nick and the older kids are up north, and I feel a bit overwhelmed with just Matthew here. I couldn't sleep last night, either. I think I finally fell asleep sometime after 2 a.m. It made me realize that I'm totally screwed should something ever happen to Nick.

So to end this on a positive note, here's a picture of the older kids and I when we were in downtown Stilly the other day.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

These panic attacks are getting to be a bit much. I'm depending more and more on my Clonazepam, which I haven't really done in a few months. Now I'm taking them twice a day. I feel like I can't breathe, and when I do my deep breathing exercises, I just can't get enough air into my lungs. I feel like I'm drowning. I need to find and study my DBT handbook from when I went through the intensive program. I ended up quitting the every Friday program. It just wasn't for me. I did ask for a referral to a regular therapist, though, who can see me after 5. I really don't want to go to a therapist, but I feel like it needs to be done. Hell, something needs to be done.

I feel like my house is falling apart and that's part of the reason I feel so anxious sometimes. I feel like so much is expected of me. I seriously, totally, 100% HATE putting away clean clothes, and that means folding them, too. So the clean laundry piles up until Nick politely asks, "Ummm, do I have socks and underwear somewhere?" It's a treasure hunt, love. Go find it.

Then I'll clean a room, and everyone will walk in and see all that clean space so they dump all their shit their. Seriously? I feel absolutely no appreciation whatsoever in this house. If I could blow big raspberries at everybody and not have them think I'm joking, I totally would. It's so frustrating.

Friday, August 21, 2015

I'm running a day behind. I'm out of it. I'm not doing too well. I've had to take my anti-anxiety pills to get through these past two days. It's too much listening to Matthew scream "Help you!" (which is his version of help me) and "No! No! No!" over and over again. It brings me back to when I was in a bad place as a child but couldn't scream out and has brought back many flashbacks that I just can't handle right now. Hell, I have a hard time handling flashbacks at any time.

I'm reminded that I can't protect my kids. I once again feel like a failure as a parent. It's hard to fake it til you make it when it feels nearly impossible just to fake it. Nick's going to be taking the two older kids up north to his parents house tomorrow night through Sunday night. I'll be home alone with Matthew. I have a feeling I'll be diffusing a lot of lavender, doing four-square breathing, maybe some baking, and I just might keep the kid in Pull Ups all weekend so I don't have the fight of him screaming every time I try to get him to go potty. Right now I'm kind of burnt out on washing out underwear and pants/shorts.

I need to do something to relax tonight. I'm thinking that maybe I'll build a small fire and sit out there for awhile. I still have a mess to clean up upstairs. I've been working on my Munchkin Markets stuff. I printed out 30 labels today to get started. I'm trying to work in small doses so that I don't get overwhelmed.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

I find I do a lot of breathing exercises and closing my eyes (even though I don't actually count to ten or anything) to try and calm myself. I can't tell you how much I actually feel like screaming throughout the day. I get so frustrated with the kids, even though they are at such different stages. Matthew uses me as a human jungle gym. Tea uses me as her personal verbal whipping post. And Bryan? Well, Bryan is just really trying to exert his independence and it's coming out in big explosions that are difficult to deal with. I worry with this being Bryan's last year of school and how he's going to transition into the "real" world. He's so hesitant to get a license, and he needs a license to get a job (because my butt will NOT be carting him everywhere). With us, he argues every correction we give him. How is he going to handle a correction in a job? He gets fed up with things so easily and will quit. That's not going to fly in a job. I'm trying to set up with his IEP plan to get him some extra help transitioning out of high school. I want to make sure that he has the best possible chance. I know I've been overprotective of the kid his whole life, and I probably always will be, but he saved me when I got pregnant with him. If it weren't for him, I would have ended up doing something so stupid that I'd be dead right now. I was on the road to nowhere before getting pregnant with him. There's so much I learned after I got pregnant with Bryan, and there's so much I did on my own, and I'll never be able to repay him for giving me that gift.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

I really hate when people post "I shouldn't have to pay taxes to support people who can work but won't" on FB. Guess what? Some people genuinely need welfare. When Nick wasn't working, it was the only way we survived. Thanks to food stamps, we could afford to pay other bills (including the cell phone) because our food was paid for. Our medical was covered. Not everyone is living the high life on welfare. And it really pisses me off that that's the assumption.

I guess I feel this way, too, because I'm paranoid about what people think of me because I collect Social Security. My bi-polar disorder is considered a disability. The longest I've ever held a job is 2 years, and that was only part-time at 15 hours a week. Even that job I had to call in because I was hospitalized or otherwise unable to handle life. Otherwise, my average job span was 6 months. I can't form proper sentences quickly. My brain doesn't move fast enough to keep up with what I have to do in a job. I can't figure out math beyond a third grade level most days. I can't believe I graduated college with a 3.9 GPA. I can't help my kids with their homework. I stopped being able to help them in fourth grade. I can still balance the checkbooks. I have history facts that will come to me randomly. But I live by lists. If I don't write something down, I forget it. Social Security recently reviewed my case and confirmed that I am still disabled mentally. But I always worry...what do people think? Do they think I'm freeloading? I look normal enough. Do they think that just because I look normal I should be out working?

People don't know what goes on underneath. Just because a person looks normal doesn't mean they aren't suffering on the inside. Mental issues are hard to pinpoint. I don't think anybody really can tell what an individual goes through, even if they are going through something similar. Nothing is exactly the same. And when you have mental issues, doctors are quick to dismiss your physical issues as "just in your head." That happens to me all the time. It's come to the point that I rarely go to the doctor anymore unless you can actually see my ailment. But say my back starts killing me again? I'll take an overabundant amount of ibuprofen and go to the massage therapist and try my oils before even thinking about the doctor.

Is it important to me to educate people? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like people are so set in their opinions that it doesn't even help to try and explain things. I feel like people will listen, nod their heads, but not even hear a word that you say. Of course, I just may be jaded. I probably am. I've had too many of people misunderstanding.

When I had my first miscarriage, I went back to work immediately after finding out. I was devastated, but I didn't know what I was supposed to do. I didn't realize that "normal" people would go home and cry there. I went crying back to work because I still had an hour left. I was young, on my first real job, and had just had news that I didn't know what to do with. Apparently, that was the wrong thing to do. One of my co-workers very loudly declared that she didn't believe that I'd miscarried. So on top of having the devastation of losing a baby and not knowing how to handle it, I had to deal with having a co-worker thinking that I was a liar. That was really rough, and it's something that still haunts me to this day. That was 15 years ago. I don't think I'll ever forget it.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

I hate bedtime battles. Matthew is upstairs screaming his little brains out right now. He doesn't want to go to bed. Last night (or early this morning) he was up at 3 for the day. The night before he didn't go to bed until midnight. It's getting old quickly. I'm at a loss for what to do.

I want to quit this new DBT group. I'm just not getting anything out of it. I called in because I'm not going tomorrow. Last week I was the only one to show up. It's not like the intensive one was, where you were required to show up and get the good feedback from people. I miss that.

Monday, August 3, 2015

I started taking a Vitamin B Complex about half a week ago to try and get off Thrive. I started taking Thrive by Le-Vel several months ago to boost my energy and hopefully lose some weight. It's not a weight loss drug, but I was hopeful to lose a few pounds as most of the testimonies have claimed to lose. It worked at first. I lost a total of 15 pounds and my energy was fabulous. Then I gained it back, plus another 10 pounds. My energy was still great though. I was tired of gaining weight, though, and it's not cheap, so I tried to go off it. I became incredibly depressed and suicidal. So I went back on it. My mood improved. I've tried to off it several times, and each time, within days, I've become depressed and suicidal. Do I love the energy? Yes. Do I love the mood stabilization? Yes. Do I love the cost? No. Do I love the side effects of trying to go off it? No. So last week I started taking only one a day and adding the B Complex, then Saturday going off it completely and only taking the B Complex. So far it's been three days on only the B Complex and I'm doing good. Yes, I'm tired. I don't have the energy that I had on Thrive. But I haven't fallen into that deep depression that I would fall into within two days of stopping it when I tried before. So stay tuned, and we'll see how I do.

Now, would I recommend this product? If you can afford it, I say go for it. If you don't have an underlying mental health issue, I say go for it. I actually had Nick start taking it, and he's doing excellent. He's stopped drinking so much soda, he has a bit more energy through the day, and he seems to get up easier in the morning. My best friend tried it, however, and was not impressed. My nephew and niece-in-law are on it and can't rave enough about it. They love it. My oldest sister was on it for several months but it pretty much stopped working for her. My other sister still uses it because she loves the energy it gives her. Another sister tried it and it worked opposite for her; it made her tired and dragged down. It seems to affect everyone differently. Maybe you'd be one of the lucky ones!

Sunday, August 2, 2015

I haven't written in nine months, because, frankly, I felt like such a negative person and I didn't feel like I had anything worth reading. I have done many things since then. Kind of makes sense, because in nine months, don't people normally just do a shitload of stuff, like live life?

I ended up leaving my therapist after a disagreement with her. She felt that I should have been immediately hospitalized after I shared with her that I cut myself. My psychiatric nurse and I were discussing going to a new DBT group, and I felt like that would have been sufficient. I swore at my therapist, she wasn't appreciative, I apologized, but there was a huge fallout. I felt it was time to move on anyway, but this was really the episode that encouraged moving on. I stopped going to my Thursday night DBT groups, and started a new DBT group.

I went to an intensive out-patient DBT group for three months. It was incredibly therapeutic. I really enjoyed the people that I met there, and I learned a ton of great tools to use when I go into crisis mode. I was finding that I go into crisis mode way too much in life, and I was responding in a way that just wasn't appropriate. Now the first thing I do is start deep breathing. I've also been using essential oils, and not just for my emotional issues. I've found the joys in using them for medical issues, as well. Right now we have eucalyptus diffusing for Matthew's congestion.

I also attend a new DBT group on Friday afternoons now that I'm done with the intensive therapy. I'm not very impressed with it. But I'm not going to an individual therapist, and this is kind of my way to get around going to one. I just feel all therapied out right now.

I've been struggling with depression and suicidiality otherwise. It hasn't been so bad this past week or so, but some days it gets so overwhelming. I actually wrote letters to my kids in case something should happen to me. I was so afraid that I would drive my car off the road or something. I thank God that I'm not at that point anymore. But the letters were cathartic in their own right, as I got to say the things that I'd like to say to them anyway but am too afraid would bring up fear in them, for whatever reason. I do have to say that I never finished Tea's letter. It was too hard to write to her. There was just too much to say, and I didn't even have the courage to write any of it down.

Tea will be 13 tomorrow. I'm going to have another teenager. It's so cool to see my kids growing up. Bryan's going into his last year of high school this year. Tea will be in her last year in the middle school. Matthew may be starting an early childhood program. Matthew's vocabulary is finally starting to open up. We've been working with Birth to 3, and they've been doing a wonderful job with him. He's also basically potty trained (thanks to daycare). He just doesn't have the poop thing down yet. And of course he's not night trained. Watching him grow has been amazing. Just watching all three of these kids has been amazing.