I've been in a very bad spot this past week. I've been suicidal and very anxious about absolutely everything. I've been living on Klonopin to make it through the days. Today is the first day where I've actually been able to make it through without taking anything and without having a panic attack. I tried going grocery shopping the other night and sat in the parking lot crying for about 20 minutes. When I finally got the courage to go into the store, I grabbed a cart, walked in, and walked right back out again. Then I sat in my car crying some more. When I got home I didn't want to talk about any of it to Nick (because I had been contemplating 20 ways to kill myself) because I was paranoid that he would one day use it against me. Oh, good grief, I was a hot mess.
I've taken out my DBT stuff. I'm hoping that I can start with mindfulness again and get back to where I used to be when I was in a good spot. I'm not a good mother right now. I'm not a good wife. I need some help. I go see a new therapist tomorrow. We'll see how it goes.
No comments:
Post a Comment