I'm running a day behind. I'm out of it. I'm not doing too well. I've had to take my anti-anxiety pills to get through these past two days. It's too much listening to Matthew scream "Help you!" (which is his version of help me) and "No! No! No!" over and over again. It brings me back to when I was in a bad place as a child but couldn't scream out and has brought back many flashbacks that I just can't handle right now. Hell, I have a hard time handling flashbacks at any time.
I'm reminded that I can't protect my kids. I once again feel like a failure as a parent. It's hard to fake it til you make it when it feels nearly impossible just to fake it. Nick's going to be taking the two older kids up north to his parents house tomorrow night through Sunday night. I'll be home alone with Matthew. I have a feeling I'll be diffusing a lot of lavender, doing four-square breathing, maybe some baking, and I just might keep the kid in Pull Ups all weekend so I don't have the fight of him screaming every time I try to get him to go potty. Right now I'm kind of burnt out on washing out underwear and pants/shorts.
I need to do something to relax tonight. I'm thinking that maybe I'll build a small fire and sit out there for awhile. I still have a mess to clean up upstairs. I've been working on my Munchkin Markets stuff. I printed out 30 labels today to get started. I'm trying to work in small doses so that I don't get overwhelmed.
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