Sunday, August 2, 2015

I haven't written in nine months, because, frankly, I felt like such a negative person and I didn't feel like I had anything worth reading. I have done many things since then. Kind of makes sense, because in nine months, don't people normally just do a shitload of stuff, like live life?

I ended up leaving my therapist after a disagreement with her. She felt that I should have been immediately hospitalized after I shared with her that I cut myself. My psychiatric nurse and I were discussing going to a new DBT group, and I felt like that would have been sufficient. I swore at my therapist, she wasn't appreciative, I apologized, but there was a huge fallout. I felt it was time to move on anyway, but this was really the episode that encouraged moving on. I stopped going to my Thursday night DBT groups, and started a new DBT group.

I went to an intensive out-patient DBT group for three months. It was incredibly therapeutic. I really enjoyed the people that I met there, and I learned a ton of great tools to use when I go into crisis mode. I was finding that I go into crisis mode way too much in life, and I was responding in a way that just wasn't appropriate. Now the first thing I do is start deep breathing. I've also been using essential oils, and not just for my emotional issues. I've found the joys in using them for medical issues, as well. Right now we have eucalyptus diffusing for Matthew's congestion.

I also attend a new DBT group on Friday afternoons now that I'm done with the intensive therapy. I'm not very impressed with it. But I'm not going to an individual therapist, and this is kind of my way to get around going to one. I just feel all therapied out right now.

I've been struggling with depression and suicidiality otherwise. It hasn't been so bad this past week or so, but some days it gets so overwhelming. I actually wrote letters to my kids in case something should happen to me. I was so afraid that I would drive my car off the road or something. I thank God that I'm not at that point anymore. But the letters were cathartic in their own right, as I got to say the things that I'd like to say to them anyway but am too afraid would bring up fear in them, for whatever reason. I do have to say that I never finished Tea's letter. It was too hard to write to her. There was just too much to say, and I didn't even have the courage to write any of it down.

Tea will be 13 tomorrow. I'm going to have another teenager. It's so cool to see my kids growing up. Bryan's going into his last year of high school this year. Tea will be in her last year in the middle school. Matthew may be starting an early childhood program. Matthew's vocabulary is finally starting to open up. We've been working with Birth to 3, and they've been doing a wonderful job with him. He's also basically potty trained (thanks to daycare). He just doesn't have the poop thing down yet. And of course he's not night trained. Watching him grow has been amazing. Just watching all three of these kids has been amazing.