Today is one of those days where I feel like a complete failure as a mother. I wonder why I had children knowing that I had a mental illness and it would greatly affect my children's lives and the way I would parent. Is it fair to them that I can't handle the regular roles of mommyhood sometimes because I'm lying in bed crying and can't even take care of myself to shower? This morning I can barely see through the tears. I have my depression blend of essential oils diffusing hoping to get my mood up a little. Once again, I've been doing my deep breathing exercises. I want to be a good mother to my children, but I feel like such a failure.
It's so hard when the kids are at Matthew's age. There's so many fun things that I want to do with him, but he's into "NO!" big time right now, and he throws a bunch of temper tantrums. I just can't take it. I don't know of a positive redirection for him that will work, and the negative stuff just makes everything all the more negative. Our sleep problems with him are just exacerbating the problem. He doesn't get to sleep very well at night, so waking up in the morning and being agreeable to getting dressed and ready is a beast. I just keep working with the warm baths with lavender and the peace and calming essential oils. I truly believe these essential oils will work given enough time.
I feel like a failure even with the bigger kids. I'm not sure that Bryan is ready for his senior year. I have all sorts of hopes for him. He'll be working in the kitchen over the lunch hours washing dishes, and he'll hopefully taking some college courses second semester, but I worry about him dropping classes because he doesn't "like" them. Tea is nervous for 8th grade because she said 7th sucked so much. I've tried telling them that if they go into these years with a positive attitude, things can turn out better than if they go in with a negative attitude. It's hard to believe when I feel like such a negative nelly myself.
I just keep going everyday, pulling myself up and trudging through what feels like muddy water. I've been taking my anti-anxiety pills more in the past week than I have in months, and I've been using stress relief essential oils the past few days. I just feel like there's so much going on.
Matthew should start school in November (if he qualifies for Early Childhood Education), and that will get rid of our daycare bill, so we'll be saving money there. Our debt management program will also be done in December, so that will be more money there as well. Hopefully we can get caught up on things like the mortgage and taxes while still keeping up with the dental bill and other such medical bills that I've been paying. All this stress just shuts me down.
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