Wednesday, September 6, 2017

The kids have started school. Tea's doing good, although I'm worried about her being on dance team. Physically it's wearing her down. She feels like she can't keep up and she's not having fun. It was supposed to be a fun thing for her to do. We're wondering if maybe it would be better for her alternate to take her spot. I'm proud of Matthew for how well he's done. At Open House, he had a meltdown that took 20 minutes to get him calmed down enough to get him among people. It took us an hour total to actually get down with the open house that night. But he loves riding the bus, loves school, just seems to love everything.

I kind of wonder how long I'm going to be working. I can't manage to use complete sentences to hold conversations with other people. Today guests were finishing my sentences for me because I couldn't form words. That's not exactly how I want work to go. I'm thinking that maybe Target is more spectacular to shop at than it is to work at. Maybe I just shouldn't be working anywhere, even part time. Maybe I should just accept that my brain doesn't work like a normal person's and I will not be able to do things the same way again.

Friday, August 25, 2017

With our lives so very different now, and Matthew's schedule all thrown off, he's getting hard to handle. He doesn't go to any type of therapy anymore. Nick is home with him all the time and now I work part-time. His days are all messed up. He's becoming super mouthy and argumentative. I feel horrible, because we were getting it all set up that he was going to have ABA therapy starting in September, and now that's going to be put off until we can find out if we're even going to have any type of insurance. Then it would have to be approved. So we're looking at another month, at least, until anything can be done. I feel like he's going to be in limbo. And I'm so angry. I'm angry at a system that's letting a little boy get lost because there's no way to pay for his care. I'm angry at Nick for getting fired. I'm angry at myself because I feel like I'm a failure as a mother. I'm angry at the world just because. I'm angry at being alive. I'm just angry.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

The school year has ended since my last post, and here we are, the summer almost over for us. Tea starts back to school on the 31st, and Matthew will go back after Labor Day.

I was right to worry about Matthew's dental bill. I have payment arrangements set up with about four different places. In all, I want to say his teeth cost us about $2,500 after insurance. Insurance only paid $25 (yes, you read that right, twenty-five dollars), but they had their insurance write-offs that saved us some.

Nick was still in an incredibly amount of pain over the summer. He was coming home early from work, which really wasn't that big of a deal because his service writer wasn't giving him anything to do. He was having to go to other people looking for cars to work on. Nick requested a change of service writer. He actually made quite a stink about it. Well, between that and what they said was his "quality of work" (read: working in pain on half a leg), he got fired. Right now, he's applying for disability. His leg collapses on him when he tries to get up, 3/4 of the time he can't make it up the stairs, and it's almost painful to watch him try to work on one of our vehicles. He has to sit in an office chair more often than not.

But on the plus side, I got a job at Target. I'll be working no more than 4 hours a day, 20 hours a week. My psychiatric nurse said I really need to get out of the house and do something for me, and now that Nick is home to look after Matthew, I feel ready. The 4 hours a day was the original limit I was given for working. Hopefully, this will keep me sane and won't drive me into a manic phase. Target was wonderful about working around my schedule; I'm going to love working there. I start Tuesday.

So I'm wondering if we'll be able to keep our house now, and I'm making preparations for what will happen in case we don't, and part of that includes Bryan moving out. His plans fell through to move out with friends to the UP. And now that there's a possibility that we might lose our house (no matter how much Nick wants to deny that we can't keep up with the payments), I've been looking at the possibility of moving back up north. Bryan will have to decide what to do with himself, though, because he wouldn't be able to live with us any longer. Even if we stuck around here and we had to move, he would have to find his own place. Everything is just so up in the air.

I'm trying to believe in something bigger out there that has a plan for us, but it's kind of hard to see the light through the tunnel right now. I'm not sure where our lives are headed. I can tell you that after Nick lost his job, I went into Wonder Woman mode, making all the necessary phone calls, filling out paper work, just doing what needed to be done to make sure that everyone was going to be okay (food, health insurance, etc.). But now that all of that has been filled out, and I'm in the waiting game to see where we stand on things, I'm panicking about what's going to happen next.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

End of the month already? Somebody's been slacking!

So, what did we do this month? Matthew went in for dental work. We had to take him into the children's hospital and have him put under. He had a partial root canal, 8 fillings, and 4 caps. I can only imagine how much that's going to cost, because our overly fabulous dental insurance only covers up to $1k worth of work. When we went into the hospital, we had already paid the doctor's fee, because we knew the insurance wouldn't cover that, and we thought there would be about $1k of work done. All we knew was that he'd be getting fillings. It was when they actually got him back there and under anesthesia that they discovered how bad his teeth really were. So I'm glad it's done, and he loves the silver on his teeth (he calls them his "shiny teeth"), but yes, I am overly concerned about the money aspect of it.

Nick went back to work after a week. He's still in pain. Tonight is especially bad, which puts him into a mood that's really hard to deal with. The doctor told him it would be awhile until he's out of pain. What is "awhile"? I feel like I need a timeline, because I've been living with this crap for an awful long time. And I'm not trying to make it about me, but when you're living with a man with an incredible temper, you get tired of walking on egg shells.

Bryan is talking about moving out. He actually filled out an application for an apartment the other day. I cannot encourage this enough. He really needs to be out on his own and discover how people really live. He can pay rent and bills here, but it's nothing like it really is out in the world. And I swear, he's determined to blow up his car. He's going to be sad when that car dies and there's not another one just automatically waiting to replace it. He's going to have to buy his own.

Tea gets yelled at so much by her dad now that she asked me why he doesn't like her. It's a hard concept for her to grasp that he just doesn't like her behavior and attitudes. But for a 14-year-old, it really doesn't make much difference, does it?

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

We finished up the month of April! This year is flying by. Tea had her dance recitals April 21 and 22, then prom April 22. I am so glad to be done with all of that. She looked beautiful for prom, and Clayton looked wonderful, too. They were so cute together.

Nick had surgery on his knee on April 28. It seemed to go fine. There was bone growing into the ligament  in the knee, which was causing him a great deal of pain. The doctor also took out the lower screw, which was also causing him a great deal of pain. He was super crabby for the first few days after the surgery (it was a different type of pain he was dealing with), but he seems to be doing better now. He's off for the week. He's been playing with Patches here and there; nothing too serious. He just put in a freaking train horn on the thing.

I popped a rib out somehow early Monday morning. I woke up in such pain, and the pain just got worse as the day went on. When I went to bed last night I could barely move, and breathing hurt. Then this morning it was a bit better, but still hard to move and breathe. I made a doctor's appointment, but I went to the chiropractor. He confirmed it was a rib out of place and adjusted me, and I cancelled my doctor's appointment. I'm going back to the chiro tomorrow. I have more faith in the chiro getting me fixed up then I do in any medical doctor taking care of me.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

I'm so very tired of bi-polar, manic, depressed, autism, sensory processing, anxiety, anger, and every other word that's used to describe what goes on in this house. I realize there's no such thing as normal, but I'm so tired. I'm tired of trying to figure out how to run a household where nothing is what it seems. I've been living with bi-polar disorder since I was 18; I'm now 39. Just when I think I've got it down, something comes along and I'm thrown for a loop. Bryan's been dealing with it since 2009. Tea's been dealing with anxiety since about 2011, and now depression as well. I don't know how to help my kids, and I feel like I'm just fumbling trying. I'm crying writing this. I feel like a failure as a parent.

This morning I couldn't even sit in my glider rocker and enjoy a cup of coffee because Matthew kept ramming/bumping into me. I finally had to come into my office/laundry room to get away. I busted a hump cleaning off the table so that Tea could do her homework there; all I wanted to do was sit down and enjoy my cup of coffee. I feel so selfish for that. Urgh. Maybe a nice long shower is what I need.

Saturday, April 8, 2017

It's been difficult around here. I've been suffering some monster headaches. I've been instructed to lay off the Tylonal, as my doctor thinks they're rebound headaches from when the Tylonal wears off. So I haven't been taking it for a week now, and the headaches are still as bad as ever, just not as frequent. Tonight I've got a monster of a migraine working it's way on. I caved and took some of my migraine meds. That does have acetaminophen in it. I couldn't stand the lightning behind my eyes and the nausea I was feeling.

Tea is whipping out teenager attitude stronger than ever. We (well, I) told her that she could go to prom, and she's been kind of haggy since then. Disrespectful, rude, that sort of thing. Tonight we really called her out on her behavior. What a soap opera our house turned into. You'd think I was the meanest mother in the world because I wouldn't let her go over to a friend's house because they understand what she's going through and obviously I don't. Holy crap, I remember thinking exactly the same thing at her age. I can't wait until she's a mom and goes through this with her kids.

Matthew has been more defiant this past week. I don't know if it's the change in the weather or having to go to bed while it's still light out, but I'm feeling worn out. But, I guess feeling worn out will happen when you have a 4-year-old at 40.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

I'm wiped. I'm trying to burn through laundry. The sheets, bedding, and towels really need to be done, and then Bryan "asked" me if I could do his laundry today. (I'm really assuming he needs work outfits.) I told him that on his days off, that's something that he could accomplish. I didn't add that he could do that rather than sitting and playing video games all day. I'm really frustrated with the whole deal of him living at home and not really doing much besides playing video games. He does less now than when he was in high school. At least when he was in high school he was doing chores AND going to school 7 hours a day. Now he barely does any chores and we're lucky if he works 4 hours a day. Okay, enough bitching about that. I'm just feeling frustrated because I think he should be handling his own shit by now, when there's still a serious part of me that wonders if there's something more going on with him other than bi-polar disorder. (ASD?)

Tea's got dance pictures coming up this week, then the recital is in 4 weeks. She's missed a lot of dance this year due to headaches and stomachaches. She really hasn't been feeling well this year. I attribute a lot of it to stress and depression. I'm not sure if she's going to do dance again next year, at least at the studio. She wants to do danceline at school, and the doctor said she has to choose one or the other, school or studio, due to the injuries in her ankle. I also told her that if she dances at school, she can't do all the dance lines (I think it's competition, hip hop, and basketball); she has to choose one or two. It's just too much strain on her ankle to do all three. So we'll see what she decides to do. I think a part of her wants to do it at school because she wants to letter in something and get a letterman's jacket. I don't blame her. I always wanted one, too. I would love to make that happen for her.

Times are tough financially again, as I knew they would be. That's what happens when it comes time to pay the credit cards that I was living off of. Nick hasn't been getting as many hours at work as he was, either, because his knee pain has been so bad. I've been learning how to adjust, again, to making things work with a lower income. It just means saying "no" a lot more. I hate that. I drink more coffee at home, I'll tell  you that much. Which is probably a lot easier since my favorite coffee place went out of business due to the owner dealing with her health instead.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

I signed up for Weight Watchers about 3 weeks ago. I got a free Fitbit Flex 2 when I signed up. It seems to capture me sleeping more than anything else. Man, do I sleep a lot! Anywhere from 12 to 15 hours is what I'm sleeping a day! I'm not depressed; I just feel so tired all of the time. I've also been having some stomach problems and migraines. Allergies have been bad this year, too. I've been hoping to give blood, but they want you feeling 100%, and I am just not there. I can't pinpoint the last time I've been there.

Matthew's school is recording how many fruits and vegetables they try each day. He's really into it. Mind you, he eats the same thing every day, but he loves making the little check marks in the circles that he's eating some type of fruit or vegetable (mainly fruit). We've had a lot more fruits and vegetables in the house since I joined WW.

I'm still working my OA journey, although I have to admit, I've stalled out on my fourth-step inventory. With the migraines, I haven't been able to look at a computer screen. I did go in and get my eyes checked, and my glasses need an updated prescription. Hopefully, I'll get that at the beginning of April. Anyway, OA journey. It's much easier to have a food plan now that I'm in WW, because I've got the points keeping me in a range I should be in, whereas before when I thought I was eating good, I was still eating more than I should have been. It was eye opening when I entered in my normal OA food for a day into the WW points calculator.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Matthew has been spreading his wings these past few days, and it's been especially trying behavior wise. He was up at 2:30 the other morning. I took him downstairs, but I fell back to sleep when he didn't. I'm not sure what time it was when he went back upstairs to get dressed, but he also got into the paint at that time, and everything was black! Thankfully, the paint is just the type I use for doing my canvas paintings, so it washed off with Clorox wipes. Well, most of it did. There's a wall I'm going to have to repaint. I had to give Matthew a shower and wash paint off him, and I'm hoping that the paint will come out of his clothes as well. Nick was NOT happy, but at least he helped me clean up. I wonder if he was remembering the cat box incident and how much trouble Matthew can get into when you can't stay awake with him.

Nick had an MRI done on his knee. The doctor at the follow-up appointment basically told him that his job is putting too much stress on his knee. He ordered a month of PT, and then another follow-up if it's not feeling better. I really have a dislike for these doctors. They talk about getting Nick off the pain meds and getting him into PT, and all these things do is make Nick have more pain. They say he should switch occupations. Why? So he can go back to school, be in debt with student loans, and have even more of an uncertain future? We've talked about options like that. It's just not realistic.

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

The depression has totally lifted. Now I've just been battling a rotten head cold for the past week. It's actually had me in bed for several days. I was grateful for the kids and Nick to watch over Matthew over the weekend. I couldn't keep my eyes open.

Matthew has still be kind of regressed with his language and behaviors. He uses some odd words that we don't know what they mean. "Worm," "owl," and "hamburger shopping" are the three that we have no idea what he's talking about when he uses them. He's pretty insistent we should know what he means, though. He's been doing a lot of babbling these past two days, too. I'm not really sure what's going on.

I found out that Tea takes her lunch and sits out in the hallway at school and reads a book. I was so sad when I learned this. I remember having a big group of friends that I sat with at lunch in ninth grade. I feel sad that she doesn't have any friends to sit with. Nick says, on the positive side, she's reading.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

It's amazing how much better I feel from just two weeks ago. The depression has seriously lifted. I can get things done again. Once again, though, my laundry has piled up, except this time it's the clean stuff that's piled up. I have baskets of clean laundry that needs to be folded and put away. It seems I can't keep up with laundry no matter what type of mood I'm in.

I've finished a couple of books this past week. I'm going to start a new step four inventory for OA tonight. There are some more items that I forgot about when I did my first inventory, and I found questions in one of the books that I read that I really like for the inventory.

Matthew's been having a hard time this past week. He's had more meltdowns at school, and he's been refusing to do things and use words for me. There's been a bit of pointing going on, which he hasn't done in awhile. I'm trying to encourage him to use his words along with pointing.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

I keep wondering if there was something that I did to cause Matthew's autism. When I was pregnant with him, they measured a lump on his neck/head. Was that a beginning sign? Should I have known that something was going to be wrong? We were so worried at the time. There was all this talk of genetic testing and what we were going to do with the pregnancy. I had even considered terminating the pregnancy. But then when we had the follow-up ultrasound a month later (a long, excruciating month), the lump was gone. The doctors said it could have dissolved itself. Still, should I have known from that lump that something in the future was going to be wrong? I just feel like I should have known. I kept denying when his doctor told me that he should be tested for autism. I waited for over a year before I made the first appointment. Did I hinder his process by waiting?

I don't know why I'm feeling so guilty about all of this right now. I guess I feel like I screwed Bryan up with my bipolar disorder, and I see him fighting (or not fighting, as it may be) his bipolar disorder. I just don't want that for Matthew. I don't want him to have to fight anymore diagnoses, although I know there are probably more coming. We're just at the beginning of his life, and he's in a family of many mental illnesses. I can only pray that he doesn't get hit the way my other kids did.

So that's my mommy guilt that I've been feeling for the past few days. Matthew had speech and OT yesterday, and his OT therapist got to see some of his sensory issues. She said she was glad to see them, because now she can work on them and see about diagnosing him with SPD. The school has also seen issues with him this past week with sensory stuff. Full moon bringing it out?

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

I have a very small hope right now that the Prozac is starting to kick in. The anxiety attacks are few and far between, and they're not as strong as they were. The depression is not as severe as it was. The suicidal thoughts come and go, but they're more brief when they do come, and they're easier to get out of. I keep looking at the semi-colon tattoo on my wrist, trying to remember exactly why I got it. I was celebrating the suicide attempts that I had survived. I was vowing to myself that there would be no more attempts. When I need a little push up out of my deep hurts, I look at my wrist, at the scar with the tattoo right next to it, and I try to let it pick me up out of the suicidal thoughts. I want to get another tattoo soon. I want the green mental health ribbon with the phrase, "I've still got a lot of fight left in me."

I told Tea today how proud I am of her for how she is starting to act grown up and maturing when it comes to situations that she's put into, such as cleaning up after herself when she's sick.

Matthew's been hard to handle these past few days. He doesn't want clothes on, which has been hard when I've needed to take him out places. He's been throwing tantrums, which was extra fun in WalMart yesterday. I tried just talking to him to get him distracted, but it wasn't working. I just kept on trying, thinking how exhausted I was and I didn't want to deal with it at the moment. So I got what I needed and got the heck out of there.

My sister and I are headed to Hinkley this weekend for our projects weekend. I really need this time away. I'll be working on my scrapbooks on Shutterfly; I have six of them to work on. I'm almost done with one of them. Then I have to wait for sales before I can purchase them. But I feel like the only time I can work on them is when we go away for these weekends. We'll also be doing some gambling. I'll give myself a certain amount to spend. I'm not sure how much yet. I have to sit down and figure out some stuff with my checkbook. Ideally, I'd win some outstanding amount and be able to pay this month's mortgage and the taxes we owe. Ah, one can dream...

Sunday, February 5, 2017

When I made plans to go away this coming weekend to work on my scrapbooks (and gamble) with my sister, I didn't realize that Tea had her mock trial competition. I feel as if I cancel my plans, I'm going to be admitted to the hospital because I'm going to lose my freaking mind. I am so close to a breakdown that it's not even funny. The only way I get through each day is knowing that it's one day closer to getting away with my sister, having only adult time.

I'm trying to take an interest in reading, but the books that I got from the library aren't keeping my interest. So I'll keep to the books that I ordered from Hazelden. I'm still trying to keep going with my  OA writing in my Region 4 notebook as well, but it's hard to keep up when you don't even feel like lifting your arms.

Friday, February 3, 2017

We went in yesterday for what is officially the last of the evaluations for Matthew. He is on the spectrum, but he is mild. The doctor said to continue on with what we're doing for him, and now maybe with the diagnosis, we can also get some additional help through the schools.

My life has been going down a spiraling hole. I think I need to see a therapist. Last night I slept about 15 hours, and when I woke up and showered today, I could barely lift my arms to comb through my hair. I have absolutely no ambition to do anything. I'm thinking more and more about going into the hospital to get a whole drug-makeover, which just sounds more appealing. Maybe I'll ask my psychiatric nurse when she gets back if it's a possibility. For now, though, I'm just going to keep on going, day-to-day struggle as it may be.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

For the past two mornings, I've woken up at 5:45. I think I've been hoping to get in some "me" time, time to pray and meditate, or just maybe some time to read. I feel like that's all been a joke. I feel like the devil is on my shoulder, whispering in my ear all those dark things in which I feel about myself. I'm not sure how to take care of myself to get back out of all this blackness.

Yesterday was a day that I barely remember. I felt like somebody else must have lived it and I just peeked in at parts of it. That's how out of it I am right now. I wish I could wipe the slate clean of all of these medications that I take, let my body detox, and then start from new. Would I just be another person hovering over my body, watching my life like it was someone else's?

Saturday, January 28, 2017

It's a bad day today. Depressed, suicidal, just a big dump on the poop scale. I've been trying to make the best of things, but I finally gave up and took a nap while Nick watched Matthew, and Tea was at the dance competition. Now my ass is dragging, and I can't even begin to describe the heaviness in my chest, which begs the question: why am I even trying to write?

Friday, January 27, 2017

I feel out of control and not put together. I was terribly sick yesterday, and I feel raw and my emotions feel like they're out there to be plucked at will. I had some stomach bug and just slept all day. It was horrible. Being that vulnerable physically left me more than vulnerable emotionally. Now I have appointments that I'm supposed to make it to today, and I feel like I can barely move. I just want to scream at the unfairness of life, making me get up. I'm not sure how to adult today. I have no patience for Matthew, and he's the one that I need the most patience with. This little black cat drives me up the wall with the way he keeps jumping up on everything that he should be staying off of. I just don't know how to keep it all together.

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Some days I find it harder to function than others. Today I couldn't latch my bra, and I ended up laying on the bed crying until Tea came upstairs and helped me. Later, when I was doing laundry, the washer load was ready to be switched to the dryer, but I couldn't bring myself to take the stuff out of the dryer, so I just stood over the washer crying. I often wonder if I should be in the hospital. Dealing with life and it's small nuances shouldn't be this hard. I've stopped drinking caffeine thinking that perhaps that might have been a cause to my panic attacks. The smallest things just seem like the biggest efforts. It feels like it even hurts to move my arms and legs.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

I've been in turmoil over the past few days (weeks?), and I've had a hard time figuring out why. I tried to blame it on the steroids and other medications that I've had to take to deal with my bi-polar disorder, but for some reason, that just didn't seem like that was it. Today was a horrible day. I flipped out on the cat and the kids. I knew I couldn't handle being alone with any of them. I had to call Nick home because I was afraid that I was going to hurt somebody. Not myself, or at least I wasn't sure if I was going to hurt myself or not, but it didn't feel like it, but I did feel like I was going to hurt somebody else. I spent the afternoon drugged up on an extra dose of anti-psychotics and some anti-anxiety meds, and with Nick being home, I slept the whole afternoon. When I woke up, though, I felt all crazy again. I ended up taking a hot bath and trying to evaluate my feelings.

I'm stuck on trying to control everything. My sister and I are headed up to Duluth tomorrow, and ideally we'd like to leave no later than 8:30. My mom pounced on that time and wants to have lunch at 11:30 then. My sister wants to stop by her son's house before lunch, though. I don't know how long that will take. There's other sisters in here who also are working within our time limits. I don't want to work within time limits. I want to just say, okay, we're here, let's meet. I can't do the stress and pressure of trying to get so many people together. And that's where all these feelings are coming up. I figured it out. Now if I knew where and how to solve it.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

I met with Jill today (my psychiatric nurse), and I'm officially off the extra dose of the Risperdal. Now maybe my breasts will stop leaking so much and just get back to the regular amount of leaking. I swear I'm going to ruin my new bras. Today was also the last dose of my Prednisone. I'm so excited to be done with that stuff. It has caused me to be flying every which way but stable. Today was a day of major anxiety attacks on the steroids. I couldn't even get Matthew buckled into his car seat because it just felt like "too much" to do to take on the task. I know I should be working on my CBT online courses again, and I should look into the DBT online courses again. I need to get doing something to take care of myself, and online is about the only option that I have right now, because I don't have daycare.

I'm looking at taking a 2-hour community-education course toward writing my memoir. I'm also looking at joining a writer's group. I've called about the writer's group, and it's something I'm really excited about. I'm going to send in my registration for this memoir class. I figure 2 hours out of a Saturday isn't much to give for some guidance on how I can plan out this mess of a manuscript that I have going on right now. The only actually writing I have that I do on a weekly basis right now is my blogging and the writings that I do in my OA journal.

I suppose I'll log into my CBT course. And I think I'm going to text my OA sponsor. I need some strength today.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

The family went up north for the weekend to celebrate my father-in-law's birthday. Bryan was able to go with us, so that was special. I don't think he's been able to see his grandparents for half a year now. Maybe longer. It sure feels like forever. While we were up there, I made an over-exaggerated joke about how this baby-making factory was shut down, we were done with that, etc. My mom followed me into the other room and told me how my niece-in-law is pregnant, and not with my nephew's child. She thought I should know. I was like, bummer. They were done having kids, too. But she's young, still, and I can see why she went out; she hasn't had a chance to have a wild streak yet. She's been raising kids since high school, practically. Anyway, I'd been sitting here wondering all day why my mom thought I should know. Maybe so I'm not surprised when the news comes out? Maybe because my nephew thought the baby-making factory was done on his end, and whoops, here's a baby on the way!?! Maybe because my mom is worried that could happen in our relationship, only it would be happening opposite for us; that we'd have some woman at the door claiming Nick's kid. Nick would have to find the time to cheat. And the energy. I'm thinking it's just so that I'm not surprised when the news comes out. I usually dread hearing news of new babies. I find it really hard to get excited about them. And to get excited about this one would be a gut blow to my nephew. Even though I probably understand where my niece-in-law is coming from a little too well.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

I've had a few days to get over myself. I know that if it weren't for not adopting, we would have never had Matthew. I know that little boy doesn't know us, and it makes absolutely no sense to have him in our household. I know that he knows and loves my cousin, and it makes very much sense for him to be there while they try to get him straightened out. My emotions run strong, and I needed a few days to think and pray about it. And I prayed a ton. I'm always going to miss what could've been, and I'm always going to dream about it. But I have what is, and that's more than enough.

I joined a group on Facebook for special needs moms. It's a good group. I'm looking forward to Matthew's appointment at the beginning of February to see if we can get an actual diagnosis, something finalized for insurance, something to end this. I want peace of mind. I want to be able to be okay with whatever diagnosis there is and move on. I'm having a hard time making sense of what's going on in every day life with him now, not knowing what to expect or what could be on a timeline for advancement. Or what I could do to be helping more. It's frustrating.

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Such disturbing news today. My mind is going a million miles an hour. The little boy that we were going to adopt 7 years ago is now living with a cousin of mine because the biological mother is not in a good spot and can't handle motherhood; to be frank, she never could. I told her at the time when she told me she was going to keep him that we could offer him a better life than she ever could, and I'm watching the pain for him play out. It kills me. I still consider him our son. I've never been able to let go. My mind is spinning thinking of ways to get him with us. I keep thinking how we could change the master bedroom into a bedroom for him and Matthew. We could get him enrolled in the school district here. We could start him in counseling. All these thoughts running through my head! But it's been over 7 years since I've spoken to the biological mother. She's not going to want my help. And, really, as much as I want to help, am I really in a place to give it? I know I've always felt like this is the son I've lost, but I have three other children to think about. I have an adult son with bi-polar disorder who can't seem to stand on his own two feet and get this grown-up thing figured out. I have a teen-age daughter with anxiety and depression who needs a gentle yet firm guided hand. And I have my Matthew, who is still going through evaluations to determine everything that he may need assistance with. Oh, my brain. I just needed to get this out. I've never stopped thinking about that boy. I occasionally creep the biological mother's page to look at pictures. I think about him every birthday. I mourn the loss of him as though he were one of our own, because he was one of our own. This kills me.