Thursday, February 25, 2016

I quit DBT today. I told Jill that I just didn't want to do it, and I gave her an alternative to what I would do. I told her I'd see a therapist to work on my anxiety, and Jill prescribed some new meds to work on my anxiety, as well as prescribing Prozac to boost what I'm already on. I worry about going manic, but I know what to watch for. So I'll no longer be forced to DBT. I told her I may give it a try again after I've worked on my anxiety a bit, but we'll see.

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

I'm a hot mess today. I couldn't manage to make it to DBT today. I called in and tried to quit, but they didn't go for that. They told me that they'd excuse me for today, but to come in on Thursday and talk to my psychiatric nurse and see where to go from there. I'm a mess. I can't think about going there without crying. I keep having panic attacks. Part of me wonders, do I belong in the hospital, or do I just need to get away for a weekend? I guess we'll see after I talk to Jill tomorrow.

I keep trying to remember that I've made it through things much worse than this before. I've been suicidal, depressed, manic, etc. But this anxiety thing is something that I've never really experienced before. I mean, I've had my specific panic attacks over certain things - bridges, water, etc. But this is something new for me. It's like I have anxiety over everything. I can't breathe. It's awful.

Sunday, February 21, 2016

I look in the mirror everyday and think to myself, "Oh, my, God, you're so FAT!" I'm disgusted by what I see. I don't see beauty looking back at me anymore; I just see this pig. How did I let myself get this way? It hurts. It hurts to not be able to fit into clothes nicely. It hurts to run out of breath when climbing the stairs. It hurts to have to sit down and tug my foot up to me instead of bending down to tie my shoes. It hurts to have to try and hold my belly out of the way so I can shave my bikini line, then just give up in tears. And Nick wonders why I don't want him to touch me? I know they say that your man will love you through anything, but how can somebody love you when you don't love yourself?

Saturday, February 20, 2016

The anxiety is still getting to me. It was hard to see my mom go home. It's like my anxiety was kept at bay with her here, and now that she's gone, it's bad again. I don't know what I'm going to do when one day she no longer blesses us with her presence on this earth.

I'm trying to get back into a routine, though. Today I went to Target (the doors opened and the angels sang, and the building asked why I'd been away so long) to pick up some shampoo and other necessities. Nick and I also went to the gym. I have to admit I had an anxiety attack before going to Target. I just walked out of the house and it started. I sat in my car for awhile, then called me sister and talked until I calmed. Just acting like everything is normal seems to help.

I'm getting back to doing the steps for OA, too. I've finished with my resentments for step 4 and sent them off to my sponsor for step 5. Now I'll move on to fear for step 4. We're doing steps 4 and 5 together, which actually makes sense, because I don't feel overwhelmed doing them that way. I do one resentment at a time and send it off, and now I'll do one fear at a time and send it off. Before I start doing my fears, though, I'm going to take a little time to read in the Big Book, and I wanted to write some of this stuff down, what I'm doing, so I can be proud of myself for the steps that I'm taking. I feel like I'm just working in baby steps right now, and that's really all I can handle.

My sister and I are headed to Hinkley next weekend for our craft weekend. I'll be working on my Shutterfly books. This Wednesday, I'll be ordering up the last one of the ones that I had finished at our last craft weekend. They get expensive, so I try to wait for deals to order them. I hope to finish at least two more books on this crafting weekend. I think I'm up to 2013. I know I've got a ways to go, but it's fun to get away with my sister and work on stuff with her. I don't need much concentration to work on my books, so I can chat while working on them. It makes the time go by faster.

Friday, February 19, 2016

There have been good days and there have been bad. My mom's been here, which has been awesome. She came to spend the week and help me out, but she left today and now I'm just all torn up. I came to the realization that she's *old* and she's not going to be around as long as I'd like. My kids aren't going to know her forever. I didn't even think of taking pictures I was so out of it. Who knows when I'm going to see her again?

I didn't go to DBT group on Thursday. I came down with a case of intestinal something or other, which was probably nerves, because as the afternoon wore on, it became much better. I just don't want to go. I don't know why I'm so resistant to going this time. I just don't want to do any of it. I don't want to have to put up with the people that I don't know, I don't want to have to get to know the people, I don't want to accidentally get over-invested in their lives, I don't want to do all the work that gets me tired out, I don't want to come home to a family who doesn't understand how damn exhausting it is to be doing all that work. I just don't want any of it this time around.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

It's been a couple of days. A couple of days of madness locked up inside of my head, silent screams that won't come out, dreaming of ways of hurting myself that I can't bear to do because I'm too much of a wimp, wishing I were dead but knowing I'll live forever because I just want to be dead that bad.

I started another IOP adapted DBT program today. I don't want to be there. I just want to be curled up in bed and letting everyone else take care of things. But I know I can't let other people take care of me forever. Or maybe I could. What would be wrong with that?

Friday, February 12, 2016

I was doing so well yesterday. Instead of feeling like dying, I just felt dead inside. Nick and I met with Sue, who's the other psychiatric nurse where I get my care. He stood up for me and made it known that it would be ridiculous for me to get no care because they hide behind their "guidelines." They called a few hours later and offered me a spot in their ADBT program. It runs Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays from 1-4 pm. I'll be able to get Matthew on the bus Tuesdays and Thursdays before I go, and the kids or Nick can get him off, and then Holly will watch him on Mondays. I've done the program before, and it's helpful, when you can remember to use your skills. Anyway, last night I made jam, and I even laughed at something on tv. I considered it a successful day.

***I should just mention here that Nick really went to bat for me in this meeting with Sue. He got pretty riled up. There was talk of hospitalization and partial hospitalization for me, and he was having none of it. He went on about how they hide behind their rules and in the end I wouldn't go for any type of hospitalization, so I would just end up with no treatment if they didn't offer me their program. I haven't seen him stand up for me like this...ever.

So today I was hoping for another good day, maybe not even good but at least adequate, but instead I spent most of it curled up in bed wishing to die. Same old. And not even wishing to die this time, but maybe just disappear someplace where I could sleep away until these feelings are no longer ravaging my body and I can just be normal again.

My mom comes down in 3 days. I just keep counting those days. I feel like once my mom is here I can let loose and cry and she'll be here to understand like Nick and the kids can't. I need my mom.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

It's really great to feel like a failure in everything that you do. I can't raise my kids correctly. They either yell at me or ignore me. And then I end up scaring the crap out of them. I suck as a mother. I just want to crawl into a little hidey-hole and never come up. Never eat, never breathe, just never...

Tuesday, February 9 2016

It's days like today that I plan out my demise. I can't stand being alive, and I just want to go to the nothingness that is being dead. I had enough tonight when Matthew wouldn't let me change a poopy diaper (can we say breaking point) and left the house, no coat, no shoes, just the keys. I drove around for about an hour until I was cooled down to the point that I knew I could just go home. On that drive, part of me was considering going to the hospital and having them lock me up. The other part of me was considering jumping off one of the major bridges into the ice/freezing water. I don't know who I am right now. I don't know where I am or where I belong.

Monday, February 8, 2016

No, I don't want to go to the hospital, although I feel like maybe I should really be there. I called me mom today and asked if she could come down. She said she's going to find some time when she can make it down here. She's not sure when, but she's going to make it. I wish I could say it's a relief, but it feels like a promise that's going to be broken. I just need my mom so badly right now to let me know that everything is going to be alright.

Sunday, February 7, 2016

It's a dark day. It's been full of dark days lately. The anxiety won't go away and the depression won't seem to lift. I feel like a teenager, like only music understands me. I stood in the shower contemplating ways to hurt myself. So I soaked under the warm water and cried. I find it so hard to do anything except sleep. Last spring was like this, too. I don't know what it is about this time of year. Yes, I do.It's been 4 years since Tonia died. It's been 4 years since we lost the baby. Jaxon is 6 years old. And I don't care what his name is, he will always be Jaxon. Oh my God, my heart hurts so bad.

Friday, February 5, 2016

I am just so done with depression and anxiety and how little people understand, even when they've been through it themselves. Nobody's experience is the same. I can't pretend to know that I understand what you've gone through. I can sympathize, but I don't know.

Parenting is really hard right now. I laid in bed for about 10 minutes listening to Matthew calling for me to open up the gate. Finally he was like, "Mommy, ew!" and I knew I had to get up because I couldn't leave him in a poopy diaper. If someone else could've taken care of it, I would've continued to lay in bed.

I had a hard night last night. I tried talking to my mom, but even she couldn't get me through it. Normally my mom can get me through anything. But the tears just kept flowing. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm not good enough, like I'm a rotten mother, like I'm a fatty, like nothing I do will ever compare up to what other people do. I've given up on everything.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Mental illness and parenthood. It's really kicking my butt right now. I feel like a horrible parent. I'm going through a lot of anxiety, and depression is sneaking it's way up on me, too. I can't stand the anxiety. It's makes me incapable of taking care of my children. Matthew is just too much to take care of right now. He's just being his three-year-old self, and I feel like he's doing everything he can to drive me through the roof. Today I knew I had to keep him safe, so I put him in his room. When I went up there to get him, he had totally trashed it. So now I get to clean that up. I think what I'm going to do, however, is take all the shirts that are hung up and put them into drawers. When he gets dressed, he never picks his clothes off the hangar anyway.

Tea is being a less than grateful child right now. She seems to want new stuff all the time. In the meantime, I've gotten so fat that I can't fit into any of my clothes, so I spent $50 on Goodwill clothes for me. She can't understand why I would spend that money on her so that she could have a new outfit for the dance coming up.I'm so tired of being put behind my kids. I feel like they're old enough that I can start putting myself first, and it's really not that much to ask that I can wear something besides pajama pants every day. And I realize that girls Tea's age are selfish, but I just don't know how much more I can take.

And I'm so sick of being fat.I can't bend over to put on shoes. I lose my breath trying to have sex. I stumble and fall when I try to put on pants. It's a herculean effort to put on socks. I used to hate clothes because they made me look bigger and I enjoyed the way I looked naked in the mirror; now I don't even enjoy that. I just want to stay curled up in bed with the covers over my head.

My psychiatric nurse says that I should see a therapist. What are they going to do? I've already been given all the tools to deal with all my problems. I know all about mindfulness, distress tolerance, and all that jazz. I take out the paperwork again and again to go over it and see what I'm missing, but I'm doing everything. I use my color books for when I'm stressed. I'm just so frustrated.

I'm doing steps 4 and 5 in my 12 step work right now, so that's taking up some time, and maybe that's why I'm feeling so crappy. It's bringing up a lot of garbage feelings that I'm not sure what to do with, and it's making my everyday life hard to deal with.