Mental illness and parenthood. It's really kicking my butt right now. I feel like a horrible parent. I'm going through a lot of anxiety, and depression is sneaking it's way up on me, too. I can't stand the anxiety. It's makes me incapable of taking care of my children. Matthew is just too much to take care of right now. He's just being his three-year-old self, and I feel like he's doing everything he can to drive me through the roof. Today I knew I had to keep him safe, so I put him in his room. When I went up there to get him, he had totally trashed it. So now I get to clean that up. I think what I'm going to do, however, is take all the shirts that are hung up and put them into drawers. When he gets dressed, he never picks his clothes off the hangar anyway.
Tea is being a less than grateful child right now. She seems to want new stuff all the time. In the meantime, I've gotten so fat that I can't fit into any of my clothes, so I spent $50 on Goodwill clothes for me. She can't understand why I would spend that money on her so that she could have a new outfit for the dance coming up.I'm so tired of being put behind my kids. I feel like they're old enough that I can start putting myself first, and it's really not that much to ask that I can wear something besides pajama pants every day. And I realize that girls Tea's age are selfish, but I just don't know how much more I can take.
And I'm so sick of being fat.I can't bend over to put on shoes. I lose my breath trying to have sex. I stumble and fall when I try to put on pants. It's a herculean effort to put on socks. I used to hate clothes because they made me look bigger and I enjoyed the way I looked naked in the mirror; now I don't even enjoy that. I just want to stay curled up in bed with the covers over my head.
My psychiatric nurse says that I should see a therapist. What are they going to do? I've already been given all the tools to deal with all my problems. I know all about mindfulness, distress tolerance, and all that jazz. I take out the paperwork again and again to go over it and see what I'm missing, but I'm doing everything. I use my color books for when I'm stressed. I'm just so frustrated.
I'm doing steps 4 and 5 in my 12 step work right now, so that's taking up some time, and maybe that's why I'm feeling so crappy. It's bringing up a lot of garbage feelings that I'm not sure what to do with, and it's making my everyday life hard to deal with.
No comments:
Post a Comment