I was doing so well yesterday. Instead of feeling like dying, I just felt dead inside. Nick and I met with Sue, who's the other psychiatric nurse where I get my care. He stood up for me and made it known that it would be ridiculous for me to get no care because they hide behind their "guidelines." They called a few hours later and offered me a spot in their ADBT program. It runs Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays from 1-4 pm. I'll be able to get Matthew on the bus Tuesdays and Thursdays before I go, and the kids or Nick can get him off, and then Holly will watch him on Mondays. I've done the program before, and it's helpful, when you can remember to use your skills. Anyway, last night I made jam, and I even laughed at something on tv. I considered it a successful day.
***I should just mention here that Nick really went to bat for me in this meeting with Sue. He got pretty riled up. There was talk of hospitalization and partial hospitalization for me, and he was having none of it. He went on about how they hide behind their rules and in the end I wouldn't go for any type of hospitalization, so I would just end up with no treatment if they didn't offer me their program. I haven't seen him stand up for me like this...ever.
So today I was hoping for another good day, maybe not even good but at least adequate, but instead I spent most of it curled up in bed wishing to die. Same old. And not even wishing to die this time, but maybe just disappear someplace where I could sleep away until these feelings are no longer ravaging my body and I can just be normal again.
My mom comes down in 3 days. I just keep counting those days. I feel like once my mom is here I can let loose and cry and she'll be here to understand like Nick and the kids can't. I need my mom.
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