Quotes, Saturday, May 31, 2014

"One must dare to be himself, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be."

"When things go wrong, don't go with them."

Geez, I love fortune cookies!

Feeling Calm, Saturday, May 31, 2014

I'm feeling at peace with myself today, although it has been kind of a hectic day.

I've been thinking about it, and there are two things on my treatment plan at IOP - anxiety and overwhelming thoughts. I think I'm going to have them add intrusive thoughts to my plan.Since they seem to be a problem more than I care to admit, I think it should be something I should be working on at IOP, especially if I decide to stay for the duration of the treatment.

I sometimes feel like there's something so much more wrong with me than just being bipolar. There's the highs, the lows, and the mixed states, but sometimes I just feel like I'm psychotic. It's not a good way to feel. Of course, the way that they treat all these things is basically the same, but I just feel like it would be nice to know.

Intrusive Thoughts, Friday, May 30, 2014

I want to be the kind of mother that my kids can be proud of. It's hard, though, when I get intrusive thoughts where I sometimes think about hurting my kids. It's nothing I'd ever act on, but it's disturbing to even have the thoughts. It's part of the reason I'm in IOP and therapy.

I had intrusive thoughts after having Tea, but it was nothing that I ever dealt with. The thoughts with her, though, were so extreme that I was afraid that I was going to act on them. These thoughts aren't like that, but having thoughts like that before make me afraid for that again. I don't want to go back to being so afraid.

IOP, Friday, May 30, 2014

I was in a relatively calm mood today. I read something on Tea's binder last night that went something like this:

"The beginning is always uncomfortable; you have to work your way through it."

It made me think that maybe I'm just in an uncomfortable phase of where I'm at in IOP. I'm not ready to open up and be part of the group yet. My meds aren't stable. I don't want to be there. It's something new. So when I met with the psychiatrist today I made my feelings known that I wasn't happy with my meds and I wasn't happy being there. He said he doesn't want to put me back into a hospital setting to get my meds straightened out and he'd rather work with me in the IOP setting. I've decided to give it another two weeks and revisit how I'm feeling then.

IOP, Thursday, May 29, 2014

I just can't go back. I don't want to be there. I feel more unstable since Tuesday than I have since coming home. Yes, since coming home I've been overwhelmed, but I feel crazy and out of control these past few days. I don't like feeling that way. I want to go back to seeing my therapist and having one-on-one sessions instead of trying to make it in a group setting. Tomorrow I'm supposed to have a meeting to discuss where I go from here, what my options are, etc. My mind is already set on quitting. I just can't do group treatment.

IOP, Wednesday, May 28, 2014

I opened up a bit more today in IOP, although I'm still not sure it's the place that I'm supposed to be. I feel like it would be more therapeutic if I were with my individual therapist. Driving to IOP today, I had the urge to drive off the road into a tree. I discussed it there, and came up with the plan to take a different route into Woodbury. The place where I had the urge is where I know someone has killed themselves there before, and it's just a trigger area. It's just better to avoid the area all together. I can do that. So I took a different way home and timed it, and it should actually shave 5 to 10 minutes off my drive time. Well, traffic willing.

Today has been a very hard day. I can't stand all of the yelling that goes on, and I completely flipped out and did my fair amount of screaming about it. I screamed so loud that I hurt my throat. Then I drove down to the river and sat with my feet and ankles in the water and let my emotions wash over me. I tried to sort through everything that I was feeling and why I'm such a mess since coming home. While I was in the hospital, all I wanted was to be home. Now that I'm here, all I want is to be anywhere else. It's a horrible feeling, and I"m wondering just what the hell is wrong with me.

IOP, Tuesday, May 27, 2014

I started my intensive outpatient program today. What can I say? I want to be back with my regular therapist, seeing my psychiatric nurse, doing my own thing during the day. I don't want to give up these three hours every day. I know it was just my first day. I know I was a nervous, anxiety riddled mess. I hope that each day gets better. As of now, I want to quit. I don't like all the thinking I have to do. It's a pain to have to change my negative thinking into something positive. I know that I can do it, but I'm just not there yet. And I just don't feel ready to be there yet. I feel like screaming, "Don't rush me, people!"

I ended up coming home and napping. Today was downright exhausting. I was lucky that Mouse fell asleep on the way home, too. Aunty Holly must have worn him out, because he took a nap at her house, then took another nap at home. He hasn't taken two naps in forever.

So, anyway, I'll go again tomorrow, and the day after that, and I'll keep giving it a chance, hoping I feel better about the whole program. And hopefully my mood will improve and I'll start to feel better, and these blog entries will start to become more upbeat.

Struggling at Home, Sunday, May 25, 2014

Matthew woke up at 7 this morning, and I must admit, I could've slept in a little longer. But I tried to wake up with a smile and sing him a song as I went into his room. I discovered that he was taking clothes off of his clothes rack and emptying out his dirty laundry, so obviously he had a bit of time between his waking up and my going in there. I did manage to change him and get him his bottle, and he's playing peacefully now. I, however, am dragging. I don't feel like feeding the dogs, don't feel like getting the animals water, and don't feel like entering in the prescription expenses into the excel spreadsheet before I lose the receipts. What do I feel like doing? Nothing. I've taken my meds, so I'm waiting for them to kick in.

I am so irritated with these dogs since being home from the hospital. I think they're just a huge pain in the butt. They're needy and annoying. All they do is bark and beg for attention. It's annoying. I feel like I could just beat the hell out of them all of the time, especially Dagwood. But I find I'm irritated with a lot of things since being home from the hospital. The dogs just seem to get the brunt of it. And Dagwood has always gotten the brunt of my irritation, even when I was "well."

Struggling at Home, Saturday, May 24, 2014

It's been a struggle since I got home. I've been home for 10 days now, and I've been experiencing a lot of anger and irritability. I really don't feel like myself. I'm no longer as depressed as I was, but I just don't feel right. My therapist and psychiatric nurse feel that I need a higher level of care, and I'm going to be starting an Intensive Outpatient Program on Tuesday. I'm frustrated with myself that I can't just go back to being normal. Everything feels like it's a huge effort. I can't even type anymore without making a ton of mistakes, which is beyond frustrating for me. I'm hoping that IOP will connect me with others who are going through what I am and help me feel so not alone.

Holly is going to be watching Matthew while I go to my IOP program, but there's such a huge part of me that feels guilty for asking her to do this for me. I feel like I should get him involved in a daycare center. I feel like it would be beneficial for him, and it would be a break for her. I guess we'll see how these first few weeks go before we make any hard and fast decisions.

Regions Ramblings, Tuesday, May 13, 2014

I'm itching to get out of here. I've had enought of being locked up. The other patients are starting to drive me batty.

Regions Ramblings, Monday, May 12, 2014

I had my 5th ECT treatment this morning. This one has been harder on me than the others. I've been sleeping all day (it's 3:30 p.m. now). Hopefully Wednesday's treatment goes a little easier on me.

I talked to Robin today to see how Mouse is doing. It sounds like he's having a good time up there. I'm glad, but on the other hand I wish he missed me more. I know I miss him like crazy. I hope John and Carol had a good time with him. Part of me was so worried about them watching him because he doesn't really know them.

Regions Rambling, Sunday, May 11, 2014

So I'm spending Mother's Day in the hospital. Only four more days until I'm out of here. Nick brought the two older kids to see me today. He also brought me a butt load of chocolate. Both things were much appreciated. I miss my Mouse, though. I'm going to have to give John and Carol a call to see how he's doing.

Regions Ramblings, Saturday, May 10, 2014

I am getting seriously bored in here.  I just wish the treatments were done with and I could be home already. I'm incredibly homseick.

I found out I'm supposed to be doing juty duty on Monday. I called and left a message with the clerk of courts. I had emailed twice requesting a postponement and didn't hear anything. So, what happens when you don't show up for jury duty?

Regions Ramblings, Friday, May 9, 2014

I've been really tired after my ECT treatment today. I came back up to my room and slept after the treatment, then I took another nap this afternoon. My brain feels like it's functioning slower than usual. But mood wise, I feel more up. The plan is still to get me out of here on Wednesday. I'll have treatments on Monday morning and Wednesday morning, then be free to leave Wednesday afternoon. It's hard to believe I've been in here for almost a week and a half already. The time is flying by.

Regions Ramblings, Thursday, May 8, 2014

I talked to the doctor today, and it looks like I'll be out of here Wednesday the 14th. I'll have six ECT treatments in by then, and that's the minimum they like to get in. So unless I start feeling awful again, my escape date will be Wednesday. Another week to go.

Tea has a concert on Thursday, so it'll be nice to be out in time for it. I also plan to go up and get Mouse on Thursday - just a quick trip up and back. It would be nic if Robin would meet me in Hinkley, but she's already done so much that I'm not going to hold my breath on that. I do want to give her a little money for watching Mouse, too. I'm sure she had to buy diapers while he was there.

Regions Ramblings, Wednesday, May 7, 2014

I had another round of ECT this morning, and I had a bad reaction (to the anesthesia, I think). I was crying and couldn't stop. It started suddenly, and I just couldn't control it. I ended up taking some drugs for my headache and falling asleep. I slept for about three hours and felt back to myself when I woke up.

I don't know if the ECT is helping or whether it's just being away from all the stressors. I'm hoping it's the ECT, and I'm also hopiong that I'll only be in here through next week. I want to only have to do six sessions of ECT, which would put my last day at Wednesday the 14th. It would be nice to home then, but I'm willing to wait longer if I have to.

But I miss my Mouse.

Regions Ramblings, Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Another day in the hospital. Nick will be coming to visit after work this afternoon. Hopefully he'll be bringing Coke, a long distance phone card, and something for me to read. When you're not doing groups, it gets awful boring in here.

My goal today was to get dressed in something other than hospital scrubs, and I achieved that. I'm wearing jeans and a t-shirt, and I have my hair up in a ponytail. I'm still fascinated by my bruises.

I can't believe I came into the emergency room a week ago. The time is actually flying by. Yes, it doesn get boring in here, but with the treatments and the groups, at least it stays busy. I feel like I'm catching up on my sleep, too. You know, all that sleep I don't get when I have Matthew. But, man, do I miss Facebook. It's funny how attached to computer friends I've become.

Regions Ramblings, Monday, May 5, 2014

It's Cinco de Mayo! There's not too much celebrating here, if you couldn't imagine that. Nick won't be coming to visit tonight because he has to bring Tea to gymnastics. On Wednesday, he has to bring her to her therapist. I feel bad that Bryan is missing his therapist appt, but there's not much I can do about it in here. Nick just can't take off work that early to take him.

I had my second round of ECT this morning. I feel good. My head hurts, but not as bad as it did on Friday. I just hope I don't have another day like I did yesterday. That was so bad.

I wish I could call and talk to Robin. I'd like to hear how Matthew is doing. I'd like to know he's safe with her.

I have so many bruises from all these needle pokes. I look like a druggie.

Regions Ramblings, Sunday, May 4, 2014

I'm having a hard day today. I'm very sad and weepy. I've been sleeping all day. I have a lot of anxiety over who's taking care of Matthew. I wish that Nick would come to visit and set my mind at east. I hate not being in control. I think we're getting to the point where I'm starting to feel like the crazy person locked up in the loony bin.

LATER

I feel a little better after talking to Nick. He talked to Robin this morning and made it clear that we want Matthew with her. From the time I was pregnant with Matthew, it's been set up that should I ever go in the hospital, Matthew would stay with her. I did end up asking for something for anxiety, because I'm just not as down as I need to be. I won't be fully relieved until I know Matthew is safe with Robin.

Regions Ramblings, Saturday, May 3, 2014

Nick brought the kids to see me today. Matthew looks so bag. It's so hard being away from him. The older ones can go without their mom for a little big, but Mouse stays little for such a short time.

My upper body is so sore today. Apparently it's a side effect from the ECT. Part of me can't believe I'm going to be in here for at least another two weeks receiving treatments. It seems an awful long time to be in the hospital. And without social networking.

I had an MRI done last night (with contrast). I think they said they were looking at my pituitary gland. The doctors are concerned about why I haven't had my period in 5 months. Glad they're taking it more seriously than Dr. Dean seemed to.

Regions Ramblings, Friday, May 2, 2014

I had my first round of ECT this morning. Besides a kick ass headache, it wasn't too bad. When they put the IV in, blood spurted everywhere. It was nasty. They're only doing one side (I think it's called unilateral ECT), which is supposed to cut down on the amount of memory loss. I have a buttload of jelly in my hair, and I'm all dopey from the drugs they gave me to get rid of the headache. But at least I'm alive and kicking.

I don't know how I'm going to continue my ECT. Part of me doesn't want to acknowledge the fact that I'm probably going to have to do it all as an inpatient. I just doin't have anyone to drive me. With Nick, work always comes first. He's so determined to support our family.

Speaking of Nick, he should be coming to see me today. He's supposed to bring shampoo, conditioner, and Coke. I wish that he would call before he came so I could tell him to bring out some magazines, too. I also have to give him my debit card and Bryan's insurance card.

Regions Ramblings, Thursday, May 1, 2014

Here I am, in the hospital. I'm going to be starting ECT in the morning. I figured I'd better start writing everything down in case my memory goes again.

I need to remember that I promised to text Leah when I get out of the hospital. Our friendship has really been put on the back burner since she started working.

I've been depressed for so long, I forget what true happiness feels like. I hope to know again soon. That's the reason I came into the hsopital. I know I had to get better - that things had to be better.

Nick hasn't been to see me yet. He hasn't even called tonight. I figured he would've called after getting Matthew. I know he's going to be overwhelmed with doing everything himself these next few days. But I still need him, too.