Sunday, December 27, 2015

I missed my nephew's wedding. We didn't go up because of the weather, but a huge reason, one that I didn't share with anybody, was that I'm too fat to fit into any of my nice clothes, so I didn't have anything to wear. At first I couldn't afford to buy anything new, and when I could, it was too late to buy anything. I was trying on clothes on Thursday, and everything was so tight it either showed off all my lumps or wouldn't fit over my hips to get it on all the way. I was so embarrassed that I've let myself get this fat. I can only hope that my new meds will help me lose weight like the doctor hopes it will. My psychiatric nurse also increased my dose of Topamax, hoping that it'll work in conjunction with the Metformin to help me lose weight even better. Just, please, I hope it happens soon. I want to be able to wear my clothes again. I don't want to miss family functions because I'm so fat.

Monday, December 21, 2015

This Christmas we're not doing Santa. Instead, the kids will be receiving gifts from the Spirit of Christmas. I knew that we weren't going to be able to afford much for gifts, so I signed up with Love Baskets, the Salvation Army program that helps families out with gifts. Our family was adopted by one of the churches in the area. God really watched over us this season and assured that my kids will have a wonderful Christmas. He worked through many people to bless our lives. God is good. And it is partly because of this, and also because Matthew has shown no interest in Santa, that we will be doing the Spirit of Christmas rather than Santa. I think I'll continue that each year. It is my hope that one year we'll be able to adopt a family for Love Baskets. I'd love to have the money to do that. One day. That is my goal.

I went to the doctor for my annual physical, and she diagnosed me with PCOS. I'm now on a new medication, which I really need to look up drug information on. I'm more hormonal since going on it, and I feel like I'm actually going to get my period, which would be weird, because I haven't had it in 2 years. But the drug is also supposed to help with weight loss, which would be good. I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore, I've gotten so fat.

Saturday, November 28, 2015

We had a good Thanksgiving. This is the first year (in 15+ years) that I managed to get all the food done at the same time. Usually it's at least an hour apart. It never happens. So I was quite pleased with myself. And lunch was GOOD! I couldn't believe what a good job I did. And, yes, I am tooting my own horn.

I've been doing the 30 days of thanks on FB, and I think it's given me a more positive outlook on life this month. Each day I've had to come up with something that I'm thankful for, and doing that has made me look at the positive each day. It's hard to stay in the negative when you're forced to be positive.

Matthew is obsessed with putting things in his mouth, nose, and ears. I'm waiting for him to choke or get something stuck. It's not going to be pretty.

Speaking of Matthew, we have an appointment for the ENT specialist. He's been on meds for an ear infection for about 10 days now (I believe today will be his last dose), and I took him into the doctor a few days ago because he was still tugging at his ears and his nose is still runny and crusty. His ears were still fluid filled, but no infection. I asked about tubes anyway, because he's had infections and colds since early last spring, and she said it would be worth it to meet with ENT because she thinks his adnoids might be a problem. I told her I was thinking about getting him tested for allergies, and she said his adnoids could be the reason his nose is constantly running, and the ENT can give us more information. So, we'll see. We have the appointment on Tuesday. If we're going to do anything, I'd like to get it done before year's end, because we've already reached our maximum out-of-pocket.

I've been trying to figure out which foods I should remain abstinent from, and I've concluded that I really need to just stop eating when full. It's been really hard for me, especially yesterday. I couldn't stop myself from eating. I know I should have texted somebody from OA or gone on the FB page, but instead I just kept stuffing my mouth. If I'm serious about this, I need to take advantage of the tools given to me for help.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

I'm in full-on preparation mode for Christmas planning. I got one of Bryan's presents already, and I've collected almost all the addresses so I can get started on my Christmas cards. (On a side note, I finally got all the thank-you notes from Matthew's birthday party done and ready to go out; I just need to buy stamps.) I'm trying to determine if I'm actually going to write all the address on the envelopes, or if I'm going to let the printer do the dirty work. I'm thinking of letting the printer do it. But I've got the list made out of who gets the cards, which cards need the extra picture of Matthew in it, and I think I'm ready to start when I don't have a 3-year-old burr stuck to my side.

I took Tea into the doctor yesterday for her knee. Now that she's been taking care of the sciatic nerve in her back, the pain in her knee has become more obvious. The doctor is certain that she sprained her knee and wants her to get physical therapy (she starts next week), and if that doesn't help within 2-3 weeks, he'll get an MRI to see if she tore a ligament or something of that sort.

It seems silly to write about stuff like this when there's so much bigger concerns going on in the world. The bombing in Paris happened just days ago, and now there's the big issue on whether the states are going to allow refugees in. I'm torn on it, and I feel like I just want to keep my head buried in the sand for as long as humanly possible, which is why you probably won't see me writing much about it. I'd much prefer to live my self-centered life while I still can and not think about the impending war. The pope said that this is the beginning of World War III, and I'm afraid I believe him.

Friday, November 13, 2015

You know, I try so damn hard, and it just doesn't seem to be enough some days. I can see why people drink and do drugs. I would love to drink away my problems or get high until I just don't care anymore. Instead I eat. Yeah, that's done well for me. Grrr. Anyway, right now is a time where I feel like eating everything away because I'm afraid Nick's going to yell at me about money. He works so damn hard to earn what I just "give" away to those bastards who are constantly after us. Damn paying the bills. And I'm trying to do what he wants me to do by ignoring other bills to get the mortgage paid, but it doesn't seem to be working out very well for me. I can't ignore needing milk and cereal and bread. I don't know how we're supposed to afford Christmas this year. I'm feeling scared and anxious right now.

Thursday, November 12, 2015

I just said to my 3-year-old, "Um, get out of my Facebook."

Yes, my 3-year-old. I am now the mother of a 3-year-old. It's hard to believe that he's gotten so big so quickly. His birthday party was good. It was large. A lot of people showed up. Frankly, it was crowded.

Matthew has also started school. He attends three days a week from 7:45 - 10:45. He absolutely loves it. There are no problems at all with the transition. He goes easily in the morning when I drop him off. It's amazing. It's kind of hard to get him out the door in the morning, though. I have to let him know that we're going to see Ms. Ashley, and then he's a little easier to get going. He loves Ms. Ashley. He does daycare on Mondays, and so far we're only a week into this schedule. Tomorrow will be the first day that he's home with me, and we'll go to the Centre and go swimming or go to the gym. I'm thinking the gym. I'll let him run around for awhile and get some energy out.

Yesterday I printed out pictures of what his nighttime schedule will be (shower, essential oils, pajamas, kindle, snuggle, bed), and we started using them. I'm hoping it's going to make bedtime easier, because I just can't do these bedtime battles anymore. They're too much. The other night he was up until 12:30 screaming. Urgh, I was so tired the next day. So I'm really hoping that a schedule will help. Now it'll just be sticking to it.

I caught a cold from Matthew. He's had one off and on for months now, and this is probably the second one that I've caught. It hit fast, so I'm hoping that it passes quickly as well. I'm already dealing with back problems (the chiropractor thinks that I have a herniated disc). There's only so much that I can deal with at one time. As much as some people think, I'm really not superwoman.

Monday, October 26, 2015

The older kids and I went out to Maryland for our research study at NIH. It was so fast this time. We flew in on Thursday night. The plane got in at 11 pm, and by the time we caught a cab and got checked in at the Children's Inn, it was 12:30 am. I know I got to sleep around 1 am, but I think the kids got to sleep even later than me. Friday morning Tea and I were up by 7:30 because she was starving. They had a breakfast set up in the atrium. Just a simple breakfast like you'd find at a smaller hotel - muffins, donuts, juices and milks, coffee, etc. Bryan didn't wake up until 8:45, and we didn't get out the door until 9:15. We got up to the clinic at 9:29, which was perfect for our 9:30 appt. All day it was going through interviews for me. I had to answer a buttload of questions on both kids and then some on me. We were done by 4 pm, so we went back to the Children's Inn and the kids played in the teen room. We also ordered Chinese from the place we get Chinese at when we go out there for dinner that night. And after 3 years of staying at the Children's Inn, I finally figured out how to use the tv in the room. So that night we had the tv on, the kids played poker, and I filled out more paperwork that had to be done for the next day. Friday night I think we were all asleep by 10 pm. On Saturday we were up to the clinic for scanning by 8:30 am. We had MRIs until 1:30 pm. It was tiring. Tea had a lot of anxiety about the scanning, so I sat in the MRI room with her and kept my hand on her leg or foot when she scanned the first time. OMG, did I get an instant headache. And my body felt weird. After about half-an-hour of Tea being in the scanner and my being just in the room, it was my turn in the scanner. I didn't feel as bad in the scanner, but my headache never truly did go away. Tea had to go in the scanner again after we had lunch, but she didn't insist I go into the scanning room with her that time; I was able to sit in the room next to it. She did good. There was the anxiety attack before the first scan, but she did much better before her second scan. I was nervous for the flight home. We weren't assigned seats until we got to the gate at the airport, and I was a bit freaked that we weren't going to have seats together. And I was seeing suspicious people everywhere. My anxiety was high on the way home; it was ridiculous. But it was nice to get home.

So now we're back to the everyday of being home. I have to admit, it was really nice to be away and be super busy. I look at my home and I want to crawl back to bed and just sleep and do nothing. Nick cleaned and rearranged the living room while I was gone. He also cleaned the floors in the dining room. But it gets dirty so quickly, and I just don't feel like keeping up with it. I did manage to go over the floors in the dining room again with the Swiffer this morning because Brock shit on the floor, but then the dogs ran in with muddy paws and it looks like I didn't do anything. I picked up the toys in the living room, but I just don't feel like vacuuming.

I ask myself if I'm depressed, and I think I am. I ask myself if I eat because I'm depressed, but I just don't know. Tonight I'll be going to my first meeting of Overeaters Anonymous. I'm hoping that it'll help me. I was told that I'll get the newcomers materials, and hopefully it'll help me to read those materials and see where I'm going from here. I don't want a weight loss plan; I want a life change.

Friday, October 16, 2015

We went to Matthew's IEP meeting at the school yesterday. They had tested him for some additional things beyond just the speech/communication that we originally went in for. He's also delayed in cognitive, social, and adaptive skills. It was kind of a blow to hear that. I, of course, know that he has troubles, but I've always just considered it just part of his age. To hear that he's truly delayed for his age is not something I was ready to hear. I just can't explain it properly. He's a year behind in his speech. But he'll be getting the assistance that he needs. Starting in November, he'll be going to Early Childhood Education. He'll still go to daycare on Mondays so that he can get that social environment. He'll have ECE Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday mornings. In the afternoons he'll be home with me. I'm hoping that he'll take a nap those afternoons because he'll be so busy in school those mornings. On Fridays he'll be with me. I'm hoping to get us scheduled for some fun stuff. There's Crafty Fridays at the Centre, and there's also Romp and Stomp, or we could just go swimming. I've got options for stuff we could do on Fridays. And I figure if he doesn't nap in the afternoons, we can always go swimming then, too.

It's all just a little overwhelming right now. The assessments and the meetings have just a ton of information in them, and I feel like I'm just not up to knowing everything like I should. I feel like I'm not being the best advocate for Matthew that I should be. And then I get all weepy because this is my baby, and I wonder what I did wrong.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

This is my little handful of pills that I take each morning. Then there's another handful that I take each night. I cannot begin to express how tired I am of taking pills. I just want to be able to function on a day-to-day basis without having to rely on pills to get me through the day. And even thought I take these pills, I still don't feel "normal," whatever the hell that may be. I still feel like snapping at my kids. I still feel major irritation with my husband for not swooping in and saving the day when I'm ready to go off the deep end. (Why doesn't he notice when I can't take anymore???) I'm sitting here right now, typing, and my chest is up in my throat. Matthew is screaming from upstairs, and I just can't take it. I want to run away. Why doesn't anybody notice that I'm a complete headcase?

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Depression has just been kicking me in the butt for the past 5 days or so. I feel like I'm hanging on by my fingernails, and I'm not making very good progress in an uphill battle.

I received the travel arrangements for our trip out to Maryland. We'll fly out Thursday the 22nd and arrive in Maryland around 11 pm. On Saturday the 24th we'll take a 5:30 pm flight out from DC and arrive back in Minneapolis about 7. Gotta love the time zone changes. At least both of them are straight flights. The flight back was originally going to fly us to Denver to change planes back to Minneapolis. That would've been wild. But it would've gotten the kids to visit another state (true, just an airport, but another state), so I was a little bummed when they did find the straight through flight. I'll just have to take the kids on trips throughout the US so that they can visit other states. I dream of one day having enough cash to do these things with them.

Wells Fargo called me and tried to scare the snot out of me about our mortgage. They said that they'd no longer be able to accept our partial payments and if we didn't get both August and September's payments paid in October, they'd ask for all the payments immediately. They told me we should look at our finances and find a way to make that happen. I was like, yeah, I'll look into that. There's no way in hell that could happen. Then they told me that I should have Nick take out money from his 401k to pay what we owe on our mortgage. That just put me into tears. Bad subject. I just said he doesn't have a retirement plan and got off the phone with them. They don't like the fact that it's going to take us 5 months to get caught back up, but they're unwilling to work with us in any other way. So we do it our way. We just keep making partial payments, and I swear, I'm going to start avoiding their phone calls. If I don't avoid their phone calls, I'm just going to repeat the same things over and over: "You'll get your payment on this day, and this is the amount that it will be."

I'm no good at being an adult lately. It's just too overwhelming for me.

Monday, September 28, 2015

Bought myself a cake!

So this birthday has been an experience so far. Tea stayed home from school with stomach issues. I had to pick up Bryan from school because he wasn't feeling well. I made Matthew an appointment with his doctor for tomorrow because his cold has reared it's ugly head again and he's miserable. At least he's not running a fever. I came home from Wal Mart and sprayed everything down with Lysol, and I'm diffusing Thieve's Oil to try and get all the germs out of my house. All the windows are open, too. Be gone, germs!

The lady from early childhood education is coming out tomorrow to do her evaluation. She wants to know what Matthew's day is like from the moment he wakes up until the moment he goes to bed. I think I'm going to have to start jotting down notes so that I don't forget anything. I'm also going to have to clean my stinking house. That's the only thing I don't like about when these therapists and teachers come over. I always feel like my house is so dirty because of the dogs. I can never keep it clean enough for my liking.

Friday, September 25, 2015

I know we're not the only ones caught in this struggle, but I get so scared having to go through a financial crisis. I was opening up bills today and they all had the same type of sticker on them. FINAL NOTICE. NEXT STEP COLLECTIONS. Because my not paying you before was totally my choice. Whatever. We're seriously doing the best we can right now. I can see a break coming up, but is it going to be soon enough? Our debt management program will be done in December. Matthew will be done with daycare in November. Those are two huge payments that will be gone each month that can be put toward other things.

My birthday is on Monday. I'm expecting nothing, because, honestly, my birthdays have pretty much always sucked. Growing up, I never got to have birthdays with friends; I only got family birthday parties. When I was 13, I got to have a friend birthday party which my sister chaperoned. It was kind of a cluster fuck. From the time I was 10 until I was 18, my birthday weekends were always race weekends. It was the last race weekend of the season, so my birthday was ignored for racing. My 16th birthday I had a quiet dinner with my dad when I would've loved a huge Sweet 16 party. My 18th birthday I had a procedure similar to a colonoscopy done. My 21st birthday I was home with a little one. My 28th birthday (my golden birthday) I was court ordered into a state mental hospital. My sucky birthdays are the reason I try to make birthdays for other people so special. But I would like a special birthday.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

The kids have so kindly shared their germs with me. I got a stomach bug last week and over the weekend. Now I'm fighting off a cold. Delightful.

My meds seem to be working okay, although I would still like to be on Lithium. I just feel like Lithium works the best out of all the meds. What is the extent of kidney damage it could do? That is my main question. Was it just a fluke that it messed with my kidney functions that one time but never any other time? I wonder if they'll let me try it again. I have an appt with my psych nurse tomorrow morning. We'll see how it goes.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

It's been a struggle of ups and downs. Tea has been expressing her teenage attitude and hormones, and I'm having a hard time remaining in control and behaving like the adult in all of this. I just can't believe how she can have so much attitude one minute, and the next minute she can be such an incredible sweetheart and an absolute helper. This morning Matthew wasn't feeling well, and she was hovering over him like another mother even though she was trying to get ready for school. It was such a difference from her attitude on Saturday when she was being disrespectful and trying to tell her dad what to do.

As for Matthew not feeling well, I knew something was up when Tea had to carry him downstairs this morning because he didn't want to walk. She said he stood up and fell over. I gave him a cookie (it was the odd one out in the Oreo package) and a granola bar along with a cup of lemonade. He sat on the floor while I was making the kids' lunches, and soon he was laying on the floor. Tea came and took his temperature, which was normal, so I just worked around him. I figured he was tired because he was up in the middle of the night. So we got out to the car, and he told me "cold." I asked if he was cold. He started whining, then he started puking. I had just barely started buckling him in, so I unbuckled him and got him out of the car so he could puke on the ground. I had Tea run in for wipes and Bryan got bags for garbage. Then while I cleaned up, Bryan took a picture of Tea 'cause it was 80s day at school and she had dressed up so cute!

Needless to say, Matthew stayed home with me today. He's sleeping now (first time I've gotten him to take a nap for me in a long time!). I have no energy to do laundry, like I should be doing. I have a ton of it piling up. I know, the glamour of a housewife. I volunteered at Munchkin Markets for four days, and I felt so useful there. The people there actually appreciated what I was doing, and I was needed. I know I'm needed at home, but I feel so unappreciated. Nobody notices what I do until I no longer do it.

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Got another call from the oh-so-wonderful Wells Fargo today. They're putting us into pre-forclosure status. They want the full amount by the end of the month. I explained to them that that isn't possible and gave them dates and payment amounts that we would be making. The guy said that he didn't know if they'd be able to accept our money. I told him that if they wouldn't accept our money, they must not want it that bad. So he told me to go ahead and make the payments, but we'd still be receiving phone calls from their collections department. I told him that was fine. I figure I'll just keep giving them the same information: dates and payment amounts that we'll be making. Nick always has faith that we'll get out of this mess. I just feel like selling this place and renting something in a neighborhood where Matthew can play with neighborhood kids. Yes, this is my home, but I'm sick of it. I wish we'd never refinanced with Wells Fargo. It's the devil's bank.

We're putting aside everything else to catch up on the mortgage, which means that Xcel Energy is being pushed aside. I'm wondering the minimum I can make on that to avoid being shut off. I have to make a payment soon before they shut off our electricity. Nick still won't give up the satellite and just go for Hulu Plus and Netflix instead. That would save so much money. Last night I sat down and tried to figure out how much money I save by shopping at Target for milk and is it worth it to go into Stilly? I think it is. Especially if I'm going in there for other things. WalMart's website says the NR store is cheaper, but you get in there and it's more expensive than they say (by at least 60 cents!). I think I'm going to go check it out again today and see if they website is up-to-date or not.

So money is huge on my mind lately. I know I keep thinking of ways to save money and throwing some of them out the window. I could cancel Tea's trip to DC in the summer, but I think it's important she goes on that trip. Bryan got to go with his class. And I know we go out to Maryland every year, but Tea never gets to see the sights while we're out there. At most, she gets to see the DC airport. That's nothing. I want her to be able to see the sights. Soon we'll be done with our debt management program (I think December is our last payment for that). And if everything goes well, we'll only have one week of daycare to pay in November because Matthew will be starting school at the school district just after his birthday. These are large amounts that we'll no longer be paying.

Friday, September 4, 2015

Today I got a tattoo.

This tattoo means a lot to me. I swore I would never get a tattoo unless it really meant something, as I didn't want to mark up my body permanently for something that I might be only temporarily passionate about. The semicolon, however, tells a story. Taken off the Project Semicolon website, “A semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life.”  http://www.projectsemicolon.org/

My life has been full of times when I've tried to put a period at the end of the sentence. In the picture above, you can see the scar from where I slit my wrist. I was manic at the time, but there are a number of suicide attempts I made when I was manic. It was important to me that I get the semicolon next to my scar. To me, it tells the story of my life; I tried to end it, but my life was not ready for the end. My story was not complete yet. I hope to be able to look at this tattoo when I'm at the low points in my life and be reminded that I've made it through so far, and I can keep going. The low points have been hitting pretty hard lately. I'll need the reminder.

I'd like to get another tattoo. It's one that I've had in mind for awhile.

It's the ribbon for mental health awareness. Mental health issues are really important to me. I want people to be open to speaking about them. I want the shame to stop.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

I've been in a very bad spot this past week. I've been suicidal and very anxious about absolutely everything. I've been living on Klonopin to make it through the days. Today is the first day where I've actually been able to make it through without taking anything and without having a panic attack. I tried going grocery shopping the other night and sat in the parking lot crying for about 20 minutes. When I finally got the courage to go into the store, I grabbed a cart, walked in, and walked right back out again. Then I sat in my car crying some more. When I got home I didn't want to talk about any of it to Nick (because I had been contemplating 20 ways to kill myself) because I was paranoid that he would one day use it against me. Oh, good grief, I was a hot mess.

I've taken out my DBT stuff. I'm hoping that I can start with mindfulness again and get back to where I used to be when I was in a good spot. I'm not a good mother right now. I'm not a good wife. I need some help. I go see a new therapist tomorrow. We'll see how it goes.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

I get so tired of trying. I get so tired of living. I've never felt like I'm a part of this world, and sometimes, it just gets so hard to go on. I feel like I'm being unfair to my children by giving them a mental mother who can't be relied upon to give them a stable life. I feel like I'm being unfair to my husband by not being the woman he deserves, an equal partner.

But then I remember that I have a 100% success rate of getting through times like these. I've made it through worse, and I'll continue to get through the bad. I'll make it through this anxiety and depression. I'll come out stronger. And life will seem boring again because there will be no chaos in my life, and I won't know what to do with myself. When life is boring, I cry because there's nothing going on. When life is chaotic, I cry because I can't handle all the stress and anxiety. I am a drama queen.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Today is one of those days where I feel like a complete failure as a mother. I wonder why I had children knowing that I had a mental illness and it would greatly affect my children's lives and the way I would parent. Is it fair to them that I can't handle the regular roles of mommyhood sometimes because I'm lying in bed crying and can't even take care of myself to shower? This morning I can barely see through the tears. I have my depression blend of essential oils diffusing hoping to get my mood up a little. Once again, I've been doing my deep breathing exercises. I want to be a good mother to my children, but I feel like such a failure.

It's so hard when the kids are at Matthew's age. There's so many fun things that I want to do with him, but he's into "NO!" big time right now, and he throws a bunch of temper tantrums. I just can't take it. I don't know of a positive redirection for him that will work, and the negative stuff just makes everything all the more negative. Our sleep problems with him are just exacerbating the problem. He doesn't get to sleep very well at night, so waking up in the morning and being agreeable to getting dressed and ready is a beast. I just keep working with the warm baths with lavender and the peace and calming essential oils. I truly believe these essential oils will work given enough time.

I feel like a failure even with the bigger kids. I'm not sure that Bryan is ready for his senior year. I have all sorts of hopes for him. He'll be working in the kitchen over the lunch hours washing dishes, and he'll hopefully taking some college courses second semester, but I worry about him dropping classes because he doesn't "like" them. Tea is nervous for 8th grade because she said 7th sucked so much. I've tried telling them that if they go into these years with a positive attitude, things can turn out better than if they go in with a negative attitude. It's hard to believe when I feel like such a negative nelly myself.

I just keep going everyday, pulling myself up and trudging through what feels like muddy water. I've been taking my anti-anxiety pills more in the past week than I have in months, and I've been using stress relief essential oils the past few days. I just feel like there's so much going on.

Matthew should start school in November (if he qualifies for Early Childhood Education), and that will get rid of our daycare bill, so we'll be saving money there. Our debt management program will also be done in December, so that will be more money there as well. Hopefully we can get caught up on things like the mortgage and taxes while still keeping up with the dental bill and other such medical bills that I've been paying. All this stress just shuts me down.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

I'm trying to take today with a much more positive attitude, but Matthew is about 5 steps ahead of me today, and it's making it a little difficult. I woke up this morning to him at his gate without his pull up on. He seemed to have something on his arm (dare I say...poop), so I ran him a bath. While he was bathing, I did a cleaning of his room (the bathroom and his room are right across from each other). I found poop on the floor and he had peed on the bed. So I got that mess cleaned up, and after he was out of the bath, I really started cleaning his room. I picked up all of the books, put away the toys, threw clothes into the hamper, etc.

I had Matthew nicely settled in the living room eating and watching Netflix when I decided to try and scrub his mattress with some baking soda. All quiet on that front. After the baking soda dried, I took the vacuum cleaner up to vacuum any extra soda up and vacuum the throw rug. I'd say I was up there for 7 minutes. That's way too long to leave a 2-year-old in another room. I came back downstairs and he had taken 100 pictures on my phone and plucked 9 keys off my keyboard. I deleted the pictures, but I still can't get 4 of the keys on my keyboard.

Nick and the older kids are up north, and I feel a bit overwhelmed with just Matthew here. I couldn't sleep last night, either. I think I finally fell asleep sometime after 2 a.m. It made me realize that I'm totally screwed should something ever happen to Nick.

So to end this on a positive note, here's a picture of the older kids and I when we were in downtown Stilly the other day.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

These panic attacks are getting to be a bit much. I'm depending more and more on my Clonazepam, which I haven't really done in a few months. Now I'm taking them twice a day. I feel like I can't breathe, and when I do my deep breathing exercises, I just can't get enough air into my lungs. I feel like I'm drowning. I need to find and study my DBT handbook from when I went through the intensive program. I ended up quitting the every Friday program. It just wasn't for me. I did ask for a referral to a regular therapist, though, who can see me after 5. I really don't want to go to a therapist, but I feel like it needs to be done. Hell, something needs to be done.

I feel like my house is falling apart and that's part of the reason I feel so anxious sometimes. I feel like so much is expected of me. I seriously, totally, 100% HATE putting away clean clothes, and that means folding them, too. So the clean laundry piles up until Nick politely asks, "Ummm, do I have socks and underwear somewhere?" It's a treasure hunt, love. Go find it.

Then I'll clean a room, and everyone will walk in and see all that clean space so they dump all their shit their. Seriously? I feel absolutely no appreciation whatsoever in this house. If I could blow big raspberries at everybody and not have them think I'm joking, I totally would. It's so frustrating.

Friday, August 21, 2015

I'm running a day behind. I'm out of it. I'm not doing too well. I've had to take my anti-anxiety pills to get through these past two days. It's too much listening to Matthew scream "Help you!" (which is his version of help me) and "No! No! No!" over and over again. It brings me back to when I was in a bad place as a child but couldn't scream out and has brought back many flashbacks that I just can't handle right now. Hell, I have a hard time handling flashbacks at any time.

I'm reminded that I can't protect my kids. I once again feel like a failure as a parent. It's hard to fake it til you make it when it feels nearly impossible just to fake it. Nick's going to be taking the two older kids up north to his parents house tomorrow night through Sunday night. I'll be home alone with Matthew. I have a feeling I'll be diffusing a lot of lavender, doing four-square breathing, maybe some baking, and I just might keep the kid in Pull Ups all weekend so I don't have the fight of him screaming every time I try to get him to go potty. Right now I'm kind of burnt out on washing out underwear and pants/shorts.

I need to do something to relax tonight. I'm thinking that maybe I'll build a small fire and sit out there for awhile. I still have a mess to clean up upstairs. I've been working on my Munchkin Markets stuff. I printed out 30 labels today to get started. I'm trying to work in small doses so that I don't get overwhelmed.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

I find I do a lot of breathing exercises and closing my eyes (even though I don't actually count to ten or anything) to try and calm myself. I can't tell you how much I actually feel like screaming throughout the day. I get so frustrated with the kids, even though they are at such different stages. Matthew uses me as a human jungle gym. Tea uses me as her personal verbal whipping post. And Bryan? Well, Bryan is just really trying to exert his independence and it's coming out in big explosions that are difficult to deal with. I worry with this being Bryan's last year of school and how he's going to transition into the "real" world. He's so hesitant to get a license, and he needs a license to get a job (because my butt will NOT be carting him everywhere). With us, he argues every correction we give him. How is he going to handle a correction in a job? He gets fed up with things so easily and will quit. That's not going to fly in a job. I'm trying to set up with his IEP plan to get him some extra help transitioning out of high school. I want to make sure that he has the best possible chance. I know I've been overprotective of the kid his whole life, and I probably always will be, but he saved me when I got pregnant with him. If it weren't for him, I would have ended up doing something so stupid that I'd be dead right now. I was on the road to nowhere before getting pregnant with him. There's so much I learned after I got pregnant with Bryan, and there's so much I did on my own, and I'll never be able to repay him for giving me that gift.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

I really hate when people post "I shouldn't have to pay taxes to support people who can work but won't" on FB. Guess what? Some people genuinely need welfare. When Nick wasn't working, it was the only way we survived. Thanks to food stamps, we could afford to pay other bills (including the cell phone) because our food was paid for. Our medical was covered. Not everyone is living the high life on welfare. And it really pisses me off that that's the assumption.

I guess I feel this way, too, because I'm paranoid about what people think of me because I collect Social Security. My bi-polar disorder is considered a disability. The longest I've ever held a job is 2 years, and that was only part-time at 15 hours a week. Even that job I had to call in because I was hospitalized or otherwise unable to handle life. Otherwise, my average job span was 6 months. I can't form proper sentences quickly. My brain doesn't move fast enough to keep up with what I have to do in a job. I can't figure out math beyond a third grade level most days. I can't believe I graduated college with a 3.9 GPA. I can't help my kids with their homework. I stopped being able to help them in fourth grade. I can still balance the checkbooks. I have history facts that will come to me randomly. But I live by lists. If I don't write something down, I forget it. Social Security recently reviewed my case and confirmed that I am still disabled mentally. But I always worry...what do people think? Do they think I'm freeloading? I look normal enough. Do they think that just because I look normal I should be out working?

People don't know what goes on underneath. Just because a person looks normal doesn't mean they aren't suffering on the inside. Mental issues are hard to pinpoint. I don't think anybody really can tell what an individual goes through, even if they are going through something similar. Nothing is exactly the same. And when you have mental issues, doctors are quick to dismiss your physical issues as "just in your head." That happens to me all the time. It's come to the point that I rarely go to the doctor anymore unless you can actually see my ailment. But say my back starts killing me again? I'll take an overabundant amount of ibuprofen and go to the massage therapist and try my oils before even thinking about the doctor.

Is it important to me to educate people? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like people are so set in their opinions that it doesn't even help to try and explain things. I feel like people will listen, nod their heads, but not even hear a word that you say. Of course, I just may be jaded. I probably am. I've had too many of people misunderstanding.

When I had my first miscarriage, I went back to work immediately after finding out. I was devastated, but I didn't know what I was supposed to do. I didn't realize that "normal" people would go home and cry there. I went crying back to work because I still had an hour left. I was young, on my first real job, and had just had news that I didn't know what to do with. Apparently, that was the wrong thing to do. One of my co-workers very loudly declared that she didn't believe that I'd miscarried. So on top of having the devastation of losing a baby and not knowing how to handle it, I had to deal with having a co-worker thinking that I was a liar. That was really rough, and it's something that still haunts me to this day. That was 15 years ago. I don't think I'll ever forget it.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

I hate bedtime battles. Matthew is upstairs screaming his little brains out right now. He doesn't want to go to bed. Last night (or early this morning) he was up at 3 for the day. The night before he didn't go to bed until midnight. It's getting old quickly. I'm at a loss for what to do.

I want to quit this new DBT group. I'm just not getting anything out of it. I called in because I'm not going tomorrow. Last week I was the only one to show up. It's not like the intensive one was, where you were required to show up and get the good feedback from people. I miss that.

Monday, August 3, 2015

I started taking a Vitamin B Complex about half a week ago to try and get off Thrive. I started taking Thrive by Le-Vel several months ago to boost my energy and hopefully lose some weight. It's not a weight loss drug, but I was hopeful to lose a few pounds as most of the testimonies have claimed to lose. It worked at first. I lost a total of 15 pounds and my energy was fabulous. Then I gained it back, plus another 10 pounds. My energy was still great though. I was tired of gaining weight, though, and it's not cheap, so I tried to go off it. I became incredibly depressed and suicidal. So I went back on it. My mood improved. I've tried to off it several times, and each time, within days, I've become depressed and suicidal. Do I love the energy? Yes. Do I love the mood stabilization? Yes. Do I love the cost? No. Do I love the side effects of trying to go off it? No. So last week I started taking only one a day and adding the B Complex, then Saturday going off it completely and only taking the B Complex. So far it's been three days on only the B Complex and I'm doing good. Yes, I'm tired. I don't have the energy that I had on Thrive. But I haven't fallen into that deep depression that I would fall into within two days of stopping it when I tried before. So stay tuned, and we'll see how I do.

Now, would I recommend this product? If you can afford it, I say go for it. If you don't have an underlying mental health issue, I say go for it. I actually had Nick start taking it, and he's doing excellent. He's stopped drinking so much soda, he has a bit more energy through the day, and he seems to get up easier in the morning. My best friend tried it, however, and was not impressed. My nephew and niece-in-law are on it and can't rave enough about it. They love it. My oldest sister was on it for several months but it pretty much stopped working for her. My other sister still uses it because she loves the energy it gives her. Another sister tried it and it worked opposite for her; it made her tired and dragged down. It seems to affect everyone differently. Maybe you'd be one of the lucky ones!

Sunday, August 2, 2015

I haven't written in nine months, because, frankly, I felt like such a negative person and I didn't feel like I had anything worth reading. I have done many things since then. Kind of makes sense, because in nine months, don't people normally just do a shitload of stuff, like live life?

I ended up leaving my therapist after a disagreement with her. She felt that I should have been immediately hospitalized after I shared with her that I cut myself. My psychiatric nurse and I were discussing going to a new DBT group, and I felt like that would have been sufficient. I swore at my therapist, she wasn't appreciative, I apologized, but there was a huge fallout. I felt it was time to move on anyway, but this was really the episode that encouraged moving on. I stopped going to my Thursday night DBT groups, and started a new DBT group.

I went to an intensive out-patient DBT group for three months. It was incredibly therapeutic. I really enjoyed the people that I met there, and I learned a ton of great tools to use when I go into crisis mode. I was finding that I go into crisis mode way too much in life, and I was responding in a way that just wasn't appropriate. Now the first thing I do is start deep breathing. I've also been using essential oils, and not just for my emotional issues. I've found the joys in using them for medical issues, as well. Right now we have eucalyptus diffusing for Matthew's congestion.

I also attend a new DBT group on Friday afternoons now that I'm done with the intensive therapy. I'm not very impressed with it. But I'm not going to an individual therapist, and this is kind of my way to get around going to one. I just feel all therapied out right now.

I've been struggling with depression and suicidiality otherwise. It hasn't been so bad this past week or so, but some days it gets so overwhelming. I actually wrote letters to my kids in case something should happen to me. I was so afraid that I would drive my car off the road or something. I thank God that I'm not at that point anymore. But the letters were cathartic in their own right, as I got to say the things that I'd like to say to them anyway but am too afraid would bring up fear in them, for whatever reason. I do have to say that I never finished Tea's letter. It was too hard to write to her. There was just too much to say, and I didn't even have the courage to write any of it down.

Tea will be 13 tomorrow. I'm going to have another teenager. It's so cool to see my kids growing up. Bryan's going into his last year of high school this year. Tea will be in her last year in the middle school. Matthew may be starting an early childhood program. Matthew's vocabulary is finally starting to open up. We've been working with Birth to 3, and they've been doing a wonderful job with him. He's also basically potty trained (thanks to daycare). He just doesn't have the poop thing down yet. And of course he's not night trained. Watching him grow has been amazing. Just watching all three of these kids has been amazing.