Friday, December 30, 2016

We're approaching the new year. Tomorrow is the last day of 2016. I'm not sure how I plan to spend it. Going to Target, probably, as I have prescriptions to pick up for three of us. I know Tea wants to get something there, too, but I think she needs to realize at some point that I'm truly not made of money. "No" would be a good word for her to learn at some point in her lifetime. I'm hoping that tomorrow night Nick and I can ring in the new year together, instead of sleeping, or with him playing his video game and me on my computer, which has been what the past 5 years have looked like. I guess we'll see the effort we make.

Matthew had a major meltdown today. He wasn't happy that he had to pick up some papers, so we put him in a time out. Needless to say, that didn't go over very well, and he spent about 20 minutes in the time out chair, because he wouldn't let us get him out after his 4 minutes was done. After we finally got him out, he didn't want to pick up the papers, so I had to take his hand and have him grasp the papers to hand them to Nick. What an endeavor it was! It would have been so much easier to just do it myself, but he needs to learn to do these things.

Monday, December 26, 2016

We made it through Christmas. Matthew was excited about Santa Claus, but he really didn't get the whole idea of him. I was excited to be able to give the kids the things that they wanted. It was a nice Christmas. We had a lot of family time. It poured out the whole day; we actually had a thunderstorm, which was random. Normally, in Wisconsin in December, you'd get a snowstorm.

I'm trying to plan for all the bills that are going to bog us down now. Play time is over. Time to get back to work and get back on that budget.

Matthew is supposed to start going to therapy once a week for both speech and OT starting mid-January. We have to get approval from the insurance first. I'm not looking forward to the new year when everything resets and we have to start paying all those copays. Although, really, I don't think we even hit all our out-of-pocket.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Matthew had one heck of a meltdown tonight. It happened because I took away the phone because he wouldn't help me pick up his blocks. I told him he could have the phone back if he helped me, but he just threw a fit. So I picked up all the blocks, and then I decided to have them put in the attic. So then he had an even bigger meltdown because I was putting the blocks away where he couldn't get to them. And you can imagine how great it was when I wouldn't give him any electronics after all of that. Yikes. It went on for over an hour.

I'm so overwhelmed with this house right now. I need a cleaning crew to come in. I can only imagine how it's going to be after Christmas.

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

I'm headed up north today with my sister to take my mom out to lunch. I also have to stop and drop off presents for the in-laws. I'm hoping that goes okay, because SIL says that MIL is kind of a bear right now. I'm hoping that when MIL sees Matthew, she'll soften and just be nice. I'm looking forward to time with my mom, anyway, and hopefully it'll be a smooth trip up there. We're taking the truck because they're forecasting snow, and that way I have 4-wheel drive. I've become a wimp without it. Too used to flat driving, I guess.

What will hopefully be the last of Matthew's autism testing is less than a month and a half away. I'm not sure what I'm going to do if it's not the last of it. I'm not sure how many more specialists I can stand taking him to. I think I might just have to say "enough" and go without a diagnosis, just going on the diagnosis that we already have to get him help through insurance. The specialists so far think he's high-functioning autistic. The only reason we keep pushing it this far is because Nick doesn't want an autism diagnosis unless they're absolutely positive. When is enough, enough?

Christmas is looming upon us. I'm almost ready. There are a few more gifts to wrap. Matthew's Lego table got all dusty when the guys were putting the door in to the attic, so that has to be air blasted off. I'm just going to put that in the living room with a bow on it. I want to get one of those gigantic bows for it. I already have a bow for the Matthew-sized trampoline, which Tea will actually be able to use as well. I don't think I'm going to wrap Nick's gift, just put a bow and tag on it, then have Bryan carry it downstairs. It's heavy - think 30 pounds. Other than that I think I have some Lego and a movie to wrap for Matthew, but I think all the other gifts are done. I wasn't going to do stocking stuffers this year, but Tea told me it would break her heart if we broke that tradition. So I guess we'll continue with the tradition of stockings and stocking stuffers. Maybe I'll surprise everyone with new stockings with their initials on them...we'll see.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

I'd like to share my writing that I did today in my OA book. The reading came from "For Today," page 353. The quote I based my writing off is, "I have done enough 'research' on diet and weight loss programs to know that the program we have in Overeaters Anonymous is not one of them."

Here's what I wrote: I first came to OA thinking I was just going to lose weight - it was going to be another weight loss program. I know it was a 12-step program, and I knew I was a COE, but I truly didn't understand what that meant. I thought I knew it all when I started the meeting, though, and I still have to keep myself in check to be humble. I have to ask myself, am I being helpful, or am I being a know-it-all? I forget we're not a weight-loss club, forget to work the steps. Now I'm trying to get myself on the right track again, working the steps and following my food plan *without* making this a food club. I need to keep humble.

(COE=Compulsive Over Eater)

Friday, December 16, 2016

I'm starting to get really irritated with our new mortgage company. They still haven't applied our payment to December, which was due on December 1, which was paid in November, and which is now officially late. It's because they're not done with our modification program yet. It's not my fault that they're so far behind, but yet it's going to affect my credit because they can't get their shit together. Pisses me off. I've been calling about twice a week to see when they're going to get it together. The answer is always the same - in a week. It started out as 10 business days back on November 10. I'm still waiting for those 10 business days to be over.

I'm still working on getting back on track with OA. I haven't been praying to my higher power. I haven't been using my readings or writings. I haven't been drinking water, and I've barely been watching the food. I don't know why I said I'm working on getting back on track, because face it, I'm really not. Each day is a new start, and I blow it. I am attending at least one on-line meeting every day. I feel good after I attend them, and I vow that I'm going to jump back on the bandwagon, do my readings, fill out my notebook, etc. There are no "buts," and I need to knock out the "shoulds." I emailed someone to be my temporary sponsor to get me through steps 8 and 9. I'm having a problem with them, and I need someone totally detached to get me through them.

We're going through a bit of a snow storm right now, so I'm looking forward to being holed up at home for the next day or so. The majority of what I'm going to do is take Matthew out to play in the fresh snow, and I'll probably make Tea do that.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

I'm fighting my way back on my food plan, but not very hard, I guess. I had one day where I filled out my planner and did my meditations, but it was lost on me the next day. And I just can't seem to catch up and make myself *want* to do these things that are good for me and will get me back on track.

The people from Maryland called today and wanted to know if Tea is interested or not in doing the research study for major depressive disorder. I said yes, she is, as long as it's understood that I'll be traveling out there with her. They said, of course, they wouldn't have it any other way, since she wouldn't be doing the inpatient research.

I met with my psychiatric nurse yesterday. Everything is going well. We're not changing anything yet because it's the tumultuous holidays, but eventually we'd like to get the Risperdal and Lamictal down. I'm on so many different meds right now (18?), and some of them are to counterbalance the effects of the others. It just would be nice to be off some of them.

Monday, December 5, 2016

I've completely and totally fallen off the wagon. I snuck food today. I'm so ashamed of myself. I don't know what else to do except get back to writing everything down, get back to reading and writing out of my meditation books, and praying to my HP.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Today is Thanksgiving, and I'm digging down deep inside me for feelings of gratefulness. As always, I'm grateful for my kids, but the behavior that they're exhibiting today leaves much to be desired. I'm longing for the days when they'll be grown and out of the house, just coming back to visit for holidays and such.

Bryan's been off his meds for several days and just went back on them, so he's kind of out of it/off the wall right now. Loud noises are really affecting him, and he's getting really pissy at the drop of a hat. It's like a mini-manic phase for him. Let's just hope it stays mini and that his meds get him back on track in no time.

Tea and I are headed back out to NIH on Sunday. I've been praying for good weather. I have money set aside in case we get stranded out there (we can get a hotel room so we won't have to stay at the airport), but so far, things are looking good. I was kind of a dummy when I scheduled the flights, flying out on a holiday weekend. The airport is going to be such a mess when we fly out and when we land. I have to remember to take my anti-anxiety meds with me.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

It was a busy week. Today was voting day. I was actually wishy-washy on who I was going to vote for until about 5 minutes before I went into the polls. I kept telling the kids that a vote for the third party is not a wasted vote, and then I started to doubt my own words. In the end, I voted my conscious, and it was right for me.

Today is Matthew's birthday, as well. We had a decent day. He got to share cupcakes with his friends and teachers at school, and we gave him a balance bike as a gift. I also gave him his kid's tablet that I had put aside for Christmas. Matthew even joined me when I sang Happy Birthday to him. It was great.

I went to my sister's house over the weekend. It was nice to be with family, although our personalities are so very different. I'm not really sure what to say about the weekend. At some points it felt tense and off. At some points it felt like I was almost floating outside of the situation. And then there were some times that I just wanted to completely sleep through. Sometimes I could see how completely dysfunctional my family is. But it was also nice. It was fun to have us together and joke around and play games. I don't know. We're supposed to do a big trip out east this spring, and I just can't imagine doing it. It was weird for just the weekend. Almost 2 weeks might do me in.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Do you ever feel like an outside player in your own life? I feel a little disconnected right now, like I'm making all the moves, whether they be the right ones or not, but I'm truly not on the playing field. I'm wondering if it's because I've had a buttload of sugar these past few days, and that's just making me feel all out of whack. Whatever it is, I don't like it.

I got our schedule today for our trip out to Maryland. That Tuesday is going to be interesting. You can probably read that as boring. I kind of hope that they'll have to finish up some of the scanning on Tuesday; otherwise, we're just going to have to be at the airport for a long time, and I hate that. Maybe, if we are at the airport for awhile, we'll get pedicures or something. Yup, airport pedicures. How sanitary does that sound?

Matthew had fun trick-or-treating yesterday. He wouldn't wear the Elmo costume that I bought him. He just wore his Marshall pajamas. We went to the NR businesses, and he said trick-or-treat at almost every one, and almost remembered to say thank you without prompting. And now he's hopped up on sugar as well, so I had to take the majority of candy and hide it on the top shelf of the pantry.

We're working on getting Matthew evaluated for OT at school The U of M wants him to receive OT both in and out of school. I'm still waiting for the report from the U of M. I need to make a copy for the school, but I definitely want to read it through first. It'll help me set up speech and therapy services and OT for Matthew outside of school. I'm wondering if Courage Kenny in Stillwater does that kind of stuff.

Sunday, October 30, 2016

Tea and I went up to Duluth yesterday to tour the Nopeming Sanatorium. It was cool, and, I have to admit, a little bit creepy. I'm glad we didn't do it when it was totally dark, like we were going to. It was just a quick day trip. We didn't see any family while we were up there. We just spent time together, which was nice. Mother/daughter time.

This coming weekend I'm going down to my sister's house, the weekend after that I have an OA convention, and then the weekend after that I'm headed up to Duluth for Matthew's birthday party. I ordered his cake while we were up there yesterday. It's a Paw Patrol cake. I think he'll love it. I'm going to have my mom order the subs closer to the party date, and I'll be doing a fruit plate and punch as well.

I feel like I need to be generic here for awhile and not go into too much detail about how things are going at home. Let's just say that I've been standing up.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

So Nick, Tea, and I were talking tonight (because Sam is sniffing around Tea again), and Nick said to cut ties with Sam, that exes could never be friends. I was like, are you serious? They're 14; they can be friends. Then I asked him, if we split up, are you saying we couldn't be friends? (Seeing as how I have contemplated it A LOT over the past year.) He said, nope, it would take a LONG time before it ever happened. Which left me thinking...how frickin' immature. We share 3 children. I've seen his version of not being friends, and it's downright hostile. He's either your friend, or he's a complete and total dick to you. It makes me terrified.

*Edited to add, I've had this sitting here for a few weeks, wondering whether to post it or not, and I've finally decided to get it out there.

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

We were approved for a home modification! I still have to find out the terms, but I just pray it's better than what we're doing now. I'm waiting on the paperwork to come in the mail. I really thank all of the people who prayed for us. I really hope that this will help us keep our home!

I got the pictures back of the kids this week. I wasn't pleased with Matthew's pictures. The photo company didn't have the kids pose in any one way, so some of the pictures came out with awkward poses if your kid didn't know what they were doing. Tea's came out cute, but Matthew looks caught off-guard. I don't think I'm going to use these pictures on the Christmas cards. I think over the next several weeks I'll just see if I can get some random shots of the kids (or if Tea can get some selfies of the two of them) that I can use on the card.

I've got the calendar printed out for January through June for the bills. I'm trying to get a jump on things so that I know where our money is going and I can plan accordingly in case we want to do anything that constitutes fun. I upgraded our Netflix to the 4-screen package, so that's an extra couple bucks out of my check every month. It's worth it not to hear the complaining out of the big guy's mouth because the kids are taking up the 2 screens.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

I think I'm FINALLY over that dreaded cold!

Matthew had evaluations yesterday for autism. They diagnosed him with (some big long words that I don't remember) basically a speech and communication delay, and he's set up to go see another specialist in February for further autism testing. They also said that he has fine motor skills that need work. With the diagnosis that they gave him, insurance should pay for the additional therapy that he needs, which was really the goal in the first place: getting Matthew the extra help that he needs.

Tonight I'm doing a hypnosis for weight loss. I have no idea what to expect, but I'm excited about it.

Our HAMP didn't go through with the new mortgage company. Something about our debt to income ratio being unacceptable. So they said that they're reviewing us for an in-home loan to see if they could stack the past-due amount on the back and lower the payment and interest rate, which is what we wanted out of all this anyway. Nick says not to hold my breath, but I've really changed my thinking around the past six months (or tried to, anyway) to see the positive in every situation, to Let Go and Let God, so I'm just praying that things will turn out as they're supposed to. Ideally, we really want to stay in this house. But if that's not God's plan for us, so be it.

Sunday, October 9, 2016

I finally got to celebrate with my birthday dinner on Friday. Man, was Friday a busy day. In the morning I took Matthew for a haircut, then took Brock to the groomer, and in the afternoon took Tea to the chiropractor. At dinnertime, we had to run to Amery to pick up her friend for the football game and homecoming dance. I finally got home just after 7 pm, and then Nick and I went out to dinner. I had a couple of Mango Mai Tais, and boy, did they go down smooth! I did good, though, and brought home leftovers, instead of trying to shove the whole dinner down my throat. I was pretty proud; I even turned down dessert!

I printed out my resume and cover letter tonight to apply for a part-time paraprofessional position at a law firm. It's in New Richmond. It's about 20 hours a week with a flexible schedule, which would be nice. They want someone who's proficient in Word. I'm not proficient in the new edition of Word, which could be corrected if I just went out and bought the new one.

Listening to the presidential debates. Boy, is it frustrating. It sounds like toddlers fighting.

Monday, October 3, 2016

I stayed sick for quite a while. I'm still not over my cough and runny nose, but I am so much better than what I was. I missed my birthday because I was so miserable. So I'm hoping that we'll be able to go out to dinner this upcoming weekend to make up for it.

Nick cleaned and rearranged the living room yesterday. I told him that maybe that would keep me motivated enough to keep it picked up and vacuumed. He said he hoped so. I think he's tired of living in a "lived in" house. I'm tired of not being able to keep up with a hurricane for a three-year old. Each day just seems to be getting harder. His meltdowns are becoming more extreme, to the point where I'm afraid he's really going to hurt himself, and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do when he has them. Yesterday he was throwing himself around in the parking lot. It took both Tea and me to get him wrangled into the car. I broke two nails getting him buckled into his car seat. I've never had to fight him that hard. He screamed so hard all the way home that he screamed himself to sleep. Today I got all the paperwork sent into the U of M for his autism evaluation. I got the referral form dropped off to his pediatrician to be faxed in tomorrow. Hopefully they'll get everything by the end of the week and an appointment can be made soon. It's supposed to be anywhere up to six months for an appointment once they receive the paperwork, unless you're flexible and can drop whatever you're doing and come in at somebody else's cancellation, which I can.

Life is going by so quickly right now. Matthew's birthday is coming up soon. I think we're going to wait to celebrate it until Thanksgiving. All of our weekends are taken up otherwise. But I don't think celebrating at Thanksgiving is such a great idea, either. Maybe we just won't have a party this year. I don't know. Things are coming at me too fast.

Sunday, September 25, 2016

That cold that I've been battling off since Thursday finally kicked me in the butt. I am down and out. I barely have a voice, and my sinuses are so congested that my eyes are watering. Yes, I am whining. I was supposed to meet a friend for coffee this morning, and I had to cancel. I was bummed.

Tea and I went to a baby shower for my nephew's wife yesterday in Duluth. She is so cute pregnant. I was so afraid that I might give her my cold, but she already had one. So I was relieved there. Anyway, she is just such a sweetheart. She was thanking everyone, and she just has such a sweet voice, and she is just so genuinely nice. I dream of being like that.

Tea and I went shopping after the baby shower. We picked up a dress, jean jacket, shoes, and umbrella for her, and two tops for me. She needed an outfit for homecoming; they're going casual this year. Then she was a brat on the way home. My sister was riding with us, and Tea wouldn't let her ride in the front seat. I even tried using my stern Mom voice, and that went over like a fart in church. She is very sassy. I don't know how to get control over her. I guess I'm just grateful that she behaves in the ways that matter.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

I forgot my anniversary yesterday. Technically, I didn't totally forget it, but I made plans to bring my sister up to Duluth forgetting that it was my anniversary and that Nick might like to do something. I felt really bad. And my eating was out of control on the way up there. It was awful. I was so sick when I got back. Onto another try at abstinence.

I had made a resolve to be a better wife several months ago, and I'm not sticking to it very well. The laundry is stacking up, the house is always a wreck, Nick rarely gets sex, and I feel like I'm a lazy f***. All I want to do is sleep or lay around reading. I feel exhausted most days; I just don't have the energy that I used to. Is this what getting older is like? Good grief, I'm not even 40 yet! Just because my body thinks it's older...

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Matthew has Sunday School in the morning, and I'm feeling a bit nervous about it. It'll only be his second time going, and his first time wasn't exactly successful. I know that he's going to scream and cry when I go to leave him in the room with the teachers, and I've been wracking my brain all night about what I can do to make the transition easier. I'm going to let him bring his doggy backpack. Other than that, I'm just going to have to trust that one of the helpers can sit with him and try to calm him down. If he gets to worked up each time I drop him off and doesn't calm down, I'm just going to have to admit defeat. But I'm going to at least try for a month, month and a half.

There are times when I wish my kid were just a "normal" kid who could go off to Sunday School or daycare like the other kids, without screaming and throwing a huge fit. Other kids who do scream get over it within minutes; Matthew can keep it up for hours. I end up feeling angry, which then makes me feel guilty, because, after all, this is my son, and I'm supposed to be this loving mother who takes everything in stride. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to about it.

Monday, September 12, 2016

I took Ow to the vet today. He had started to pee on some of Tea's clothes over the past four days. I was worried we were going to have another cat peeing on stuff. It turns out he just has a bladder infection, thank God. So he's on antibiotics, and I bought him a special food. I'd like to have a cat who doesn't pee on everything.

I want to look at getting Matthew into a daycare. He's driving me absolutely nuts at home. First I want to see if being in school three mornings a week are going to be enough to keep him occupied. As it is, he's holding onto my skirt and burying himself in my legs for the better part of the day. He's way too attached. I think he needs more time with other kids his age. And I need a break. After Nick's weekend away with Tea, I told Nick that if we ever separated, he could have custody of the kids. That's how terribly the weekend went with Matthew.

I don't want to be that crazy parent. I don't like yelling, but I feel like I do it a ton. That kid cowers in front of me, and that just makes me even angrier. Yelling isn't getting anything accomplished, but I feel like nothing I'm doing as consequences is doing anything to redirect his behavior. His IEP meeting should be coming up in about a month, and I think I'll ask for suggestions then on how I can get him to pick up toys or sit and eat, etc. I'm so tired of this whole circus act I've got going on now. It's not getting any of us anywhere.

Saturday, September 10, 2016

It's just me and my sons today and tomorrow. Nick and Tea went up to Duluth for the drag races/car show. It's usually nice when this happens, but Matthew has been driving me up the flipping wall. He's into everything lately and taking those terrific three's to a new level. One of his big things right now is pouring whatever liquid he has at the moment into another container. I have so much sticky juice or lemonade all over my floors and tables/counter tops right now, and I just can't seem to get the stickiness off. My carpets need to be shampooed again. Another thing he's really into right now is putting everything into his mouth. He can't be trusted with little toys because everything goes into his mouth. He never went through this stage when all the other kids did; he saved it. Driving me nuts...

Sunday, September 4, 2016

August was a busy month. I brought Matthew into the pediatrician, who referred me several different places. It was such a hassle to try and get him in anywhere; there were either nine month waiting lists, or the clinics were closing for some reason or another. I finally got him into a nurse at the U of M. She referred him for more testing (neuropsychological), so now I'm filling out a bunch more paperwork and waiting up to six months after the paperwork has been sent in. Which, to be honest, is what I thought we were doing in the first place. This is all very frustrating. And why am I doing it? I know it's not going to change how I feel about Matthew. I know Nick doesn't want a "label" on him. But I need to know. When I was pregnant with him and they found that growth on his neck, it was a month of hell wondering what was wrong. Then, right before I had him and I was in the hospital with that migraine and they figured out there was almost no more fluid left for him, I wondered if something was going to be wrong. I continue to wonder, could I have done something different while I was pregnant? And if he does fall on the autism spectrum (or if he's diagnosed with something else), at least we can get him the help he needs both inside and outside of school. I was pretty pleased with the way things were going Friday and Saturday night, when he fell asleep before 9 without Melatonin, and he slept until 7 in the morning. I thought we had a good thing going on. Turned out to be a fluke, though, because tonight it was 10:30, and he was still going strong. That's okay. I'm going to try and wake up early tomorrow and get him going. He needs to be used to waking up early because he starts school on Tuesday.

I think I'm ready to go off the extra 20 mg of Prozac now. I've been relatively stable for over a month, and I think I can do without it. I see my psychiatric nurse the day before my birthday, and I'll discuss it with her then. That gives me another 3 1/2 weeks of being on it to make sure that I'm truly ready to be done with it.

I sprained my ankle last weekend at my parent's house. I was looking at their lilac tree, thinking that they need to trim it down because it blocks the light on the stairway, when I missed the last step and my right foot folded under me. Man, did that hurt. I was up that night in pain for a few hours; I honestly thought I broke it. My mom took me in to urgent care the next day. But it's just a sprain, and I'll be in a support for another three weeks.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

I take Matthew into the pediatrician tomorrow to get a referral for testing for ASD.

Tomorrow is also Tea's birthday. We're going to the car show and to Leo's for dinner. Bryan doesn't want to come with us. He doesn't want to do anything with us anymore. He just wants to stay in his room. He says he can't stand Matthew. It makes me sad.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

I think I'm finally getting there. The depression isn't weighing me down as much. I'm still having problems getting through my days, but it's not because I can't stand to do anything. It's more because I just don't want to do anything. More of a laziness instead of an inability. Which isn't entirely true that I'm lazy. Today I had a killer headache, and I still managed to get about four loads of laundry done. My living room, however, is trashed. Geez, you'd think I have a three year old.

And speaking of Matthew, I'm taking him in to see where he falls on the autism spectrum. I know that Nick is so against there being a label put on Matthew, but I need to know. I just see some of his behaviors (like stiff hugs, no eye contact, completely ignoring someone talking to him even if that person is right in his face, not following any directions), and I have to know what's going on. It doesn't change who he is as a child; he's still my Matthew, loveable little creature. But maybe it can change how I deal with his behaviors that I'm not handling well now, and I can learn of different ways to discipline, because Lord knows that what I'm doing now isn't working!

Thursday, July 21, 2016

I've been working on my OA steps quite a bit; I'm currently working steps 6 and 7 right now. More step 7, just reviewing step 6. I'm trying to get myself to a place of calmness and peace. There's something I read in some OA literature that I really like. "God's will frees me from my self-destructive willfulness; it takes nothing good away from me." It's all about giving up my willfulness right now.

It's been incredibly hot out these past few days. Too bad I can't melt off pounds. I've kept Matthew inside for the most part. On Tuesday we went outside for about an hour because the wind was up so it wasn't so darn uncomfortable, and on Wednesday was the car show, so we were out until I was uncomfortable.

Tea was dropped off in Duluth over the weekend, and I'll be picking her up this Sunday. She wanted to go spend time with Nick's mother. It's been very quiet without her here.

I'm now on a higher dose of Lamictal to try and bring my mood up out of this depression. I could've gone up on Prozac, but I was afraid it would bring me into mania, which usually comes at the end of summer/beginning of fall, anyway. Of course, the depression usually is just the month of May, so we're not following the usual patterns here, but I'd rather not risk it. Sometimes, though, I think I could use a good manic phase to get me through things. Not a big sexual one, like they were 10/15 years ago, but a nice good mom/happy house cleaner one. Too bad I can't control things. Again, it's all about giving up my willfulness.

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

I saw my psychiatric nurse today. She's increasing one of my meds to hopefully pull me out of my depression without putting me into a manic phase. When the mania comes, it's usually at the end of summer/beginning of fall. At least I have patterns that can be recognized. So I'm hoping the med change works, because I'd really like to be out of this depression soon.

We went camping this past weekend for our family campout. I enjoyed it. The nights were chilly and I didn't bring enough blankets. But it was something different, and it was nice to be around family (and it distracted me from how I was feeling).

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

I had a really hard time after that last post. I was in a funk and just couldn't get out of it. So we ended up taking a mini-vacation over the 4-day weekend. We went up to Duluth on Friday and visited with our parents. Then Saturday we went up to my sister's husband's cabin. We spent Saturday on the boat and just outside in general. We spent Saturday night there, and Sunday we were there outside until just after 3pm. Then we headed back to Duluth to visit Nick's parents, and we stayed the night at my parents' house. Monday morning we headed back home. It was a relatively uneventful trip home. Nick only gave one person the bird, and I managed to close me eyes every now and again. But now that we're back, I look at my house and I'm feeling overwhelmed again. I look at my kids, and they don't want to do anything, and I'm back to that funk, just not as bad yet.

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Life. I just don't know anymore. I'm exhausted. I want to crawl into bed after I wake up in the morning. I want to crawl into bed by 7 at night. I know I should get out and exercise. I haven't been sticking to my food plan very well this past week. I just feel so damn tired. I don't feel like a very good mom. I did my fourth and fifth steps in OA and they completely wiped me out. I feel like I really had a lot of excess junk to get off my chest. I was amazed that I shared with another person, but it did feel refreshing. I'm still affected, though, and I need to get out of this frump that I'm in.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Tea is out in DC right now. She flew out yesterday morning. She just texted and let me know that there's a big storm out there right now and that there's flash flood warnings. I really wish I was out there with her; I know she's nervous. She had so much anxiety about going out there without me. Originally I was supposed to go out there; my best friend and I were going to be chaperons because both of our kids were going out there. But I couldn't afford the trip. It's disappointing, and I really hate doing the responsible thing sometimes.

Things are more than a little rough financially here. I keep saying, "In a couple of months it will get easier..." I've been saying that since about October, and so far it really hasn't. I keep praying about it, asking for guidance, but I need to learn to let go before I can be guided. And I just can't seem to let go of the control that I so insist on having.

I've released 18 pounds since the beginning of February. Slowly but surely, I'm determined to get rid of this weight. I've veered from my food plan slightly, and I need to get back on it totally. For today I'm abstinent, and that's all that I can do.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

So, yes, I had my pity party. And I think I'm over it. I'm feeling better now.

The dance recital is done. Friday night seemed to take longer than Saturday afternoon, but both performances were wonderful. Tea did an awesome job. This was her ninth year of dance, and she's got four more years left. Next year she said she's going to take hip hop and poms. I'd also like to see her get involved in some extra-curriculars at the high school. Sadly, she missed dance team try-outs. I'm hoping she can find her own thing in high school that's healthy and not boy-focused or something like that.

Bryan needs to work on his thank-you cards this week. He has his work schedule for the rest of the month, and he's done with training and on his own starting Saturday. I'm excited for him. It'll be nice for him to have a steady job with real responsibilities.

Matthew starts summer school tomorrow. It's going to be harsh reality for both of us. He'll get on the bus at 7:00. Yep, that's in the morning. Currently, we enjoy sleeping until at least 9:00. So it'll be different getting up by 6:30 to get ready. I gave him some Melatonin tonight, but it's after 9:00 p.m. and he's still not asleep. And usually when I give him Melatonin, he wakes up in the middle of the night. Hopefully, with having to wake up early, his night times will become earlier. We'll see.

Tea goes to DC in a week. I'm hoping she gets all her laundry to me this week so that I can get it done.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

This mommy feels unappreciated. My kids expect me to pick up after them. They make fun of my laugh (which makes me feel like not even laughing), and Tea tells me I can't sing. That would be no big deal, except she keeps harping on it and tells me that Dad is the singer and I should just stop. I'm just so tired of feeling disrespected. I left the two big kids chores to do while Nick and I were in Duluth at a funeral yesterday. Bryan was supposed to change the litter box and vacuum the living room. Tea was supposed to unload and reload the dishwasher. Simple things for the whole 8 to 10 hours that we'd be gone. Bryan changed the litter box and picked up the living room but never did vacuum. Tea completely ignored what she was supposed to do, even going so far as to trying to pawn it off on Bryan. I really didn't think it was too much to ask.

I feel like now that we've gotten Bryan through graduation, I can just take off. I know I've talked about taking the kids and leaving, but part of me feels like if Nick was just on his own with Tea and Matthew, he'd be calmer. Or at least not as angry as he is with Bryan. And I just can't handle life anymore. I don't know if it's a midlife crisis or my bipolar disorder, but I'm in a bad way again. I'm crying all the time, contemplating ways that I could successfully commit suicide (I'm not going to try it unless I know I could be successful, because I'm a damn chicken), and I know I should be talking to my therapist or practicing my DBT skills, but I'm just so tired. I'm so tired of trying to help myself when everybody else is treating me like shit and nobody bothers to change themselves. Why do I always have to be the one to be bettering myself and changing? I feel like I'm stuck in a hole. I'm doing the same things over and over and expecting different results - the definition of insanity.

Sunday, June 5, 2016

And it's all over and done. The graduation party is behind us. The graduation ceremony is over and done with. Bryan has made it through. He passed English with a solid D. He received his diploma today. I only cried twice during the ceremony. Bryan was really nervous, and I took a few minutes to get him through a breathing exercise before they walked down the aisle for the ceremony. He made it through!

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Graduation day is coming quickly. Bryan finished his final in English today. That's the last hurdle he has to pass in order to graduate. He ended up with a C- in Chemistry; not too bad considering he had a failing grade in that class as well. Now I'm just waiting for the bill from the college (it goes to the high school first, then the high school will bill me) for the classes that Bryan failed, and Bryan's high school career will be complete. So what's next for Bryan???

College does not seem to be in the direct future for our boy. He has a hard time keeping up. We learned this with the two classes that he tried taking his senior year. He desperately wants to be a video game designer, and he's already been applying online. I'm not sure how you go about doing that, but we're encouraging him to follow his dream, but we're also telling him that he also has to have a job that he can support himself while he waits for his dream job to come through. Currently he's working for my sister at her laundromat. He's not going to be able to make a living wage on that, though, so he's either going to have to look for a second job (which I don't think he'd be able to handle), or look for help through federal subsidies. He'll stay at home for awhile, I'm sure.

What's next for Mom??? Not much will change as long as Bryan is still living at home. We'll have to set up some new boundaries and expectations now that he's graduating, of course. I've been considering making him pay rent, and then just putting aside until he moves out and giving it to him to put towards his living expenses then. I'm just not sure what to do yet. Matthew will go to 6 weeks of summer school. I'm going to have to keep Tea off her electronic devices that I know she'll be on 24/7 if allowed. I'm worried about what happens after Matthew is done with summer school. The kid just has so much energy, and I'm lacking in the ability to guide him in areas to use it. We may have to go to the beach several days a week. Hopefully there won't be too many people there.

Sunday, May 29, 2016

I took Tea to a bar last night to watch her boyfriend play in his band (I swear, only in Wisconsin can you take a 13 year old to a bar). I was so uncomfortable there! I used to be quite the bar fly, and it's only too obvious now that I no longer belong there unless I have Nick with me. I feel like my weight makes me incredibly unattractive, and I was so uncomfortable that I kept stuffing my face with cheese curds. I was telling myself that I'm a compulsive overeater and to stop it, but I just couldn't. I was chatting with this one guy, who was kind of a prick (he really thought a lot of himself), and this other guy bought me a drink (but he mysteriously disappeared). It was really random. But Tea really had a good time, and she was really good about leaving when I told her that it was time to go. We're going to see the band again at Pea Soup Days, which is our local carnival/celebration. That's coming up in 2 weeks.

Bryan is passing English, so we're on track for graduation. It's supposed to rain on Saturday, so it looks as though I'll be having the grad party inside of the house. Nick said that he'd get the garage cleaned out so that we can use that to hang out in as well. I really hope the weather forecast changes by then. I'd love a nice day where people can be outside, we can have a fire, and most importantly, the dogs won't be cooped up! I have so much cleaning to do over this next week.

I did end up shampooing the living room carpet, and I took all of Matthew's toys that were downstairs and put them up in the attic. The Little People toys that I had up in the attic I brought back downstairs today. Matthew's been playing with them all today. I love doing toy rotation. I think I'm only going to have one toy box downstairs at a time. It's less to clean up, and it keeps Matthew more entertained because he's not overwhelmed by too many toys.

School ends this week, then there's a week off, and then summer school starts. Matthew is the only one going to summer school this year. He'll go Monday through Thursday (I believe) from 8 to noon. He'll ride the bus. Now I'm going to have to change his sleep schedule so that he's going to bed earlier and waking up earlier. Right now he's staying up til 10 or later and sleeping until 9 or later.

Friday, May 27, 2016

Sometimes I think this blog is the only thing that makes me keep track of the days.

I've been in OA since the end of October 2015. I got to my highest weight of 277.8 pounds in January of this year. I'm now down to 265 pounds. I find my OA meetings very therapeutic and look forward to going to them. I'm doing step work right now. I just finished the second step, and I wanted to share something. The second step is "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." The question is, how do I define that Higher Power?

"I consider that HP God, but the loving God that created the world and continues to watch over His creations, not the vengeful God who sent the floods and the plague. I believe He listens to our prayers and grants them in His way, even if that's not the way we're asking for. I believe He brings people in our lives whom we need, or who need us, at that time, even if they don't stay around forever. I believe He is forgiving of our sins if we truly seek forgiveness."

It felt cathartic to write down what God is to me. At first I just stared at the lines on the paper, wondering what God is to me. I was drawing a blank. Then I just shut off my mind and started to write. When I was done, I was pleasantly surprised by what was on the paper. I think I'm going to share it at Monday night's meeting. We're going to be step two that night.

Monday, May 23, 2016

Bryan's grade in English 12 went from a 39% up to a 58.5%. A drastic difference, but still not quite good enough to graduate. He has until the end of the week to pull it up to over a 60% so he can get his diploma. He has one missing assignment, two assignments that are at zeros, and ten assignments that they're doing this week in class (four of which he is done with). If he can get all of those done, he stands a real fighting chance. I'm nervous, but I have real faith that he can do this. Another thing that has to be taken care of is paying back the school for the college courses that Bryan failed. I really want to see that kid make it.

My anxiety has been at one of it's all-time highs. Between the mortgage and Bryan, I feel like I'm in a constant state of panic. Plus, I never know when Nick's going to fly off the handle, and I hate walking on eggshells. I keep wondering if I'm doing the right thing by trying to get this mortgage paid down, or if I should just take the extra money I'm throwing on it and put it aside toward moving out. I feel like WF is going to foreclose on us anyway and shit will really hit the fan. Shouldn't I have a back up in place? But I know that Nick would use my bipolar disorder against me and say that I'm an unfit mother, and then Tea would get placed in the middle of all of it, and I want to avoid that if I can. Just lots of thoughts here. I can't make up my mind.

Thursday, May 19, 2016

I've been working hard on keeping myself pulled together. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. I'm afraid I keep trying to overeat the elephant.

I planned out the calendar for the rest of 2016. The bill calendar, I should say. I have the repeating bills written in with their amounts, if I know them. For the ones that I don't know the amounts, I just have the dates that they're due, or the dates that we pay on them, if we're just paying as much as we can when we can. It makes something that's overwhelming not so bad. The majority of the medical bills are paid off, but we're going to be gaining one because I haven't been paying Bryan's therapy co-pays each week. That sucks. Plus, money's going quickly with the amount that I'm paying for all these damn prescriptions. I worry about what Bryan's going to do when he's out on his own and has to pay for his own medical stuff.

Graduation isn't that far away. Bryan's still getting an F in English, but has pulled up his Chemistry grade to a C+. I'm really hoping that he can pull up that English grade. His party is all planned. I keep putting off ironing his graduation gown. I'm just nervous. I'm trying to have faith in him, but even today, he tried to get out of going to school. I don't know how to get him through these last 9 days of school.

Bryan did get a job. He'll be working at my sister's laundromat. This is good, because I'm hoping she'll have patience in case he screws up. Not saying that he's going to, but you never know. He's still pretty immature and has a lot to learn, because we never really allowed him to grow up. Which, mind you, is totally my fault. I've been so busy holding his hand and trying to protect him from his dad that he never had to grow up. And now I'm trying to send him out into the real world? Fat chance.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Stupid things to do? Go for a trip up north and forget your meds. Good thing we live within a close-enough distance that we could make it a 2-day trip and not miss too many doses. Bryan missed 3 doses; I missed 2. It was enough to throw us both off schedule. We were both feeling it. I've been more of a mess than usual. I know that May is my hard month; I really shouldn't have been missing any medication at all.

The trip up north was nice, though. We got to spend time with my parents and with Nick's parents. We went out to dinner with Nick's parents on Friday night. His mom is pale. I think Nick is in denial of everything she's going through right now (she has breast cancer). His dad isn't looking the best, either. It's hard to accept our parents getting older. I know my mom is finally starting to look her age as well. She's 79 now, and it's really starting to hit me that she may not be around much longer. My aunt fell and broke her hip, and I feel like I'm waiting for the call that my mom did the same thing. I know that she's not as spry as she used to be.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

I can feel myself sliding down into that spring...not so much depression...hate for life. I want to give up. Everything seems just overwhelming and I don't want to do it anymore. And I've got way too much to do to feel this way. Tonight I worked on Bryan's graduation stuff for a few hours. I got all the party announcements that I have addressed and ready to go out; I'm still waiting for the other 50 I ordered to come in the mail so I can address them. I have 11 more commencement announcements to put together and address, but I did about seven tonight, and that was enough along with the party announcements.

I just don't want to do any of this. I want to sit in my room, curled up in bed, and cry and sleep. I want someone else to take care of my family and chase after my kids and referee the fights that go on here. I don't even want to write anymore.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

I've started looking into daycares for Matthew, and I've even started looking into getting a job for myself. I'm not sure what I could do, but I feel like I need to get away from all of this. A big part of me still thinks about leaving Nick. Like maybe once Bryan is working and moves out of the house it would be safe to take the other two kids and leave. I don't know.

I'm trying to get Matthew signed up for six weeks of summer school. It would probably be in the mornings; I'm not real sure on the details yet. I just know that if I can't afford daycare, I need to get him involved in something. Otherwise this is going to be a very long summer.

I'm really hoping that Bryan can get in at SMC this summer and start saving some money. It would be ideal if he could get a roomie and move out and be his own independent man. But he has to save the money to do that first. I just feel bad because whenever he gets money, he blows it on soda and junk food. The kid has no idea how to save. And it's not like we're great savers.

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Bryan seemed to have a pretty good time at prom. He said they spent a good majority of the time outside because it was so noisy inside. They had a blast at post prom. They had a casino set up, among other things, and Bryan and Sam had fun setting up other people to take their "money." Bryan said it was a rush and knew he'd probably better not ever truly gamble. He and Sam looked cute together; I had him bring Sam back here after dinner so that I could get pictures of them together. I knew I couldn't sit through grand march with the anxiety I was feeling.

Friday, April 22, 2016

I went to Bryan's IEP meeting the other day, and things sound positive and on track for graduation. He's no longer going to be going to Chemistry, but they have an alternative for the class. He'll be doing the work in another classroom by himself with another teacher. He's already cruising ahead and is close to being done with this unit. He has one more unit to complete after this one is done. I pray he can pull up his grade doing this. As for English, we're waiting on four assignments which were part of a presentation. As soon as he gets graded on those, we should know if he's getting a passing grade. I feel like I'm holding my breath. In the meantime, I'm planning for his graduation with the faith that he will be walking across the stage. I know he can do this.

Matthew is being a particularly trying little boy, in that he is acting all 3-years-old and then maybe another two toddlers on top of that. He's a handful. Nick thinks I don't watch him close enough, but honestly, even if I take my eyes off him for 2 seconds, he's into something. If I go to get him a cup of juice in the kitchen, he's climbing the sewing desk in the living room to get to the xbox. There's just no stopping him. And heaven forbid if I try to make him lunch, because then he's shoving disks into the xbox or playstation, and I'm trying to dig them out of there while he's eating. Nick gets just pissed, but Matthew won't stay by me while I'm making him lunch or breakfast, and it's unrealistic to think that I can keep an eye on everything he does around the clock. I take him outside with me while I smoke, which I hate doing because I don't like the influence, but he plays in my car for the most part, and I can keep an eye on him there. I take him into the bathroom with me when I pee, but for #2, I just can't do it. He'll come up between my legs and say, "Doin' Mom?" I'm just very frustrated with my husband right now. He has unrealistic expectations on me regarding Matthew, and he treats me like this is our first child and I don't know how to raise him.

Okay, vent over. On the positive side, my medications seem to be working quite well right now. There's only a little bit of depression, not a major amount of anxiety, and mania is at bay. We'll see how the rest of April and the month of May goes, since that usually seems to be a hard time for me. For now, I'm off to get the mail, because I'm hoping Bryan's grad pictures that I ordered came in.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Well, I'm smoking again, too. I have been for several days now. This stress is just all too much.

I was talking to Tea on the way home from dance last night, and she was telling me how Ms. Peer made her cry in math class, and how she doesn't like to talk about it. She also told me how her friend said she (Tea) needed to go on her anti-anxiety meds again. Tea said she didn't want to come to me with any of her problems because we've got so much to deal with, with Bryan. I told her that just because I have a lot going on with one child doesn't mean I still don't have plenty open for another child. So we got it straightened out that Tea is now taking her anti-anxiety meds again for at least a few months, and I made her an appointment to see her old therapist. Her therapist will decide how often she needs to see her.

Matthew is definitely keeping me on my toes, too. Today he pushed the screen out of the front window and escaped while I was upstairs getting dressed. I swear I'm getting silver hairs because of that kid.

My therapist asked me today when I have time to do something for me. So, this blog is what I'm doing for me today. Well, besides seeing my therapist (where I talked mainly about my family) and my psychiatric nurse. I'd like to buy some paints and canvases and brushes and get started on creating some art, but I'm busy with OA step study, and I feel like I shouldn't be concentrating on doing too much at a time.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

It's half past midnight, and as tired as I am, I just can't sleep. I've got sunburn which I've gotten some relief from with coconut oil and peppermint and lavender oils. My stomach is in a knot and not very agreeable to being too far from a bathroom, so I just prefer to stay up and drink a Sprite, even though I'm exhausted. It just makes for getting laundry done easier.

I'm worried about Bryan. He just sits around playing video games. He doesn't want to do anything that isn't "entertaining." I told him life isn't always going to hand him things that are entertaining, and he needs to get used to that. I also explained to him that this summer, he needs to be working a full-time job. I told him that he's going to have to save up money to move out or go to college, and he's going to be paying his share of the cell phone bill. He wasn't very happy after that conversation. When I asked what he was doing to try and find a job, he said that he and his worker at the work force go over the ads and he picks stuff he thinks he'd like to do. I told him beggars can't be choosers and his jobs aren't meant to be all fun and games. Sometimes (actually a lot lately), I think we've protected Bryan from the real world too much.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

I just don't know what to do about the young man who just doesn't want to go to school. He promised me that he's really going to try and stay in his classes and bring his grades up; then today, he calls (his dad, because I wouldn't answer) and says that he's puking and needs to come home. Thankfully, Nick said that the nurse needs to witness him puking. Otherwise, he needs to tough through it and stay in his classes. So I was thinking about all of this on the way to Target and whether or not he's going to graduate (this has been weighing so heavily on my mind), and I worked myself up into having a stupid panic attack in Target. Embarrassing.

I know I need to let go and let God. I know I need to learn to accept that if Bryan doesn't graduate, maybe he's not meant to. Maybe he needs that extra year to grow up. I don't know.

Saturday, April 9, 2016

I'm so disappointed in myself. I had 8 days of abstinence in on my OA program, and I blew it all today. I was working on 3 meals a day with 2 snacks. Then today I ended up eating 2 cookies and part of a thing of mini-donuts while we were out at the car show. And since I broke my abstinence, when we came home I said "Fuck it" and ate more cookies. A big part of it has to do with the fact that my sponsor said she can't work the steps with me anymore. She's getting married and moving to another state. "It's nothing personal." Well, maybe not, but it's a blow to the gut. I didn't know how to handle it. It makes me feel like smoking again, too.

That's right, I've been smoke free for 6 days now. It's been hard, and I've been using my nicotine patches as needed. There are a few times that I've felt like running up the road and getting a pack, but I've resisted, and so far, I'm glad I've been able to resist. Matthew is way to interested in what I do these days.

We got Bryan's graduation announcements in. I told him that he'd better do me proud and graduate so we can use them. He said he's trying his hardest and even making it through each class even when he doesn't want to be there. Geez, isn't that what we expect out of our kids anyway?

Tea tried out for cheerleading but didn't make it. The only girls that make it on the squad are the girls that were already on it last year. What was the point of having try outs if you weren't going to take on any new girls? It's bull shit.

Thursday, March 31, 2016

I talked with Bryan yesterday and asked him if he was failing his classes because he didn't want to grow up, or if he really didn't understand the material. I asked him to look deep inside of himself for the answer. I told him that he was an adult age now, and the next steps were going to come regardless of what he does. I emailed his special ed teacher to ask what happens if he does fail those classes; does he get to walk across the stage with his class and make them up in summer school, or does he have to repeat senior year? That will make a big difference on the expectations that we put on Bryan for this summer. Hopefully he just won't fail those classes. That would be the ideal outcome. And maybe I need to have faith in my son that he'll pull out of this and get his shit together.

I've been feeling better. I've actually been getting some stuff done around the house. Yesterday I got the dining room table cleaned off so we could actually eat there as a family. I also got laundry started. The hard part is putting the laundry away. I have two baskets of Nick's laundry that I haven't put away yet, and his laundry already needs to be done again. It's an endless cycle! I've currently got Bryan's laundry in the washer and dryer. He usually averages about 3 loads every 10 days or so. I don't mind doing his, because he'll put his own stuff away, and I just hang up his shirts. He told me when he moves out he's just going to have a bunch of crumpled up shirts because he's never going to fold them or hang them up. I told him we'd buy him 5 laundry baskets for his graduation so that he can keep them all in check. Sometimes I wonder how he's going to keep up on things like laundry and feeding himself.

I'm working the 6th step in OA, and I want to get a Plan of Eating written down today. I feel like if I write it down I'll be more likely to stick to it. Maybe if I email it to my sponsor, I'll be more likely to stick to it, too. I don't know why I've been dragging my feet.

I wanted to order one of my Shutterfly books while it was 50% off, but today is the last day and we just don't have the money. Unless I play beat the bank, which is never a good idea.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

I'm at a loss as to what to do with Bryan. He's failing the only two classes he has at the high school. I don't know if he's going to graduate this June. He's not putting an effort forward in his classes. I don't know how he's doing in his college course. I don't even know if he's going. He doesn't want to be a grown up. He doesn't want all the responsibilities. I can't shelter him anymore. I just don't know what to do. He was supposed to fill out a job application for Dollar General today with his Work Force worker, but who even knows if he did that? I contacted his chemistry teacher at school, who Bryan says he clashes with, and she says she's given him every available opportunity, but he either leaves class or just sits with his head on the desk. And the thing is, I can totally see him doing this! How is he going to make it in the real world? Urgh, I just feel sick about this all. He has such a way of seeing things that everybody is against him; he just doesn't see that people are trying to help him. Maybe I need to get him signed up for DBT.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

I am starting to feel a bit more positive about things. I talked to Nick about how deep we are with the mortgage. He also talked to someone at the Credit Union (I sent in an email), and we have to get them a few documents to see if they can help us. I think Nick is bringing those documents in after work today. I went into Wells Fargo and paid off the rest of December's payment, so at least we're caught up that far. That's still 4 months behind, but 4 is less than 5. Now I just have to figure out what we're going to do about Xcel Energy. Disconnect date is April 15, and I want to say we have $1,400 to pay on that. I believe we have to get it down to $600 before they'll work with us on a payment plan. I'm trying, I tell ya.

Besides bills, Matthew is stressing me out. He's so much of his own independent person! He wants to do everything for himself, and he wants his own way! He's also very interested in how everything works. You can't take your eye off of him for a minute. His teacher was emailing the parents asking if there was any interest for a summer program in June, and I was all like, "HELL YEAH!" So more information is supposed to go out about that at a later date.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

We received our mortgage statement in the mail yesterday. I just don't know how we're supposed to catch up. We had it figured out on paper, and it looked so good on paper, but we couldn't stick to it, and now we're even farther behind. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to talk to Nick about it because he's going to freak out and get WAY angry, and I don't want to deal with that. I have enough anxiety as it is. So I emailed a credit union to see if they have a mortgage lender that we could work with. If they do and they won't work with me on my own, then I'll tell Nick. In the meantime, I'll just keep putting as much on the mortgage as I can, stop spending what we don't have, and cut corners where I can.

The kids were really bummed when I said we weren't doing anything for Easter this year. Maybe I'll try to whip together a few baskets. I just really am not into the celebrating mood. They were bummed, though, when they found out that they wouldn't be searching for baskets this year. And it is Bryan's last year at home. I don't know.

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Feeling like a super mommy failure today. Matthew has been so much to handle these past two days. Today I know it's because he's just so overtired. He went to bed way too late last night and woke up too early for how late he went to bed. Right now it's 7:30 and he's crashed on the living room floor. I suppose I'll have to carry him up to his room in a little bit, but for now I'm enjoying the peace and quiet. I just can't keep up with him, and I'm going to start calling around to day cares to see where I can get him in (the sooner the better).

We're trusting Bryan with the car tomorrow to go to his college class and then make it to school. He also has a meeting with the work force lady after school at the library to fill out applications. Here's hoping something turns out for him. I know he's frustrated right now, but we're also frustrated with him. He has no sense of direction at this time, and he needs to start thinking about what it means to be an adult. I know this is a scary time to him, but it's scary for us, too, to think that he doesn't have an idea about what he'll be doing.

Tea's going to be trying out for cheerleading in the coming weeks. She seems pretty excited about it. I'm trying not to push her too hard, but I really want this for her. I know that I've forced her into doing things that I wanted for myself (like dance), and cheerleading is one of those things. I probably have overly high expectations for her.

I need to finish up a scrapbook I'm making on Shutterfly. I think that's going to be my goal tonight while Tea's at dance. This is her long night, so it gives me plenty of time to mess around with the book. Hopefully I can get it done, because I'll be ordering a 45 page book next Wednesday, then I'll have another two books to order if I can get this one done.

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Sometimes, well, quite often, I feel like I'm really bad at this whole adulting thing. I can't seem to score very high points in mothering, and wifery is just sucky. I guess it's just a down day today.

Bryan told me he doesn't like his family, meaning the other four of us who live in the house. He thinks we yell and whine and we're too chaotic. Trust me, I know how he feels, and I know the feeling of not liking it, and I know all too well the feeling of wanting to escape. It just makes me feel very sad for him. I really need for him to do his parts, though, and go to school, attend his college classes, and get a regular job, if he ever thinks he's going to be able to move out and make it on his own. Otherwise he's kind of stuck here.

My food has been going terribly. I'm eating constantly, and I had a brownie tonight. I think I'm going to cave and have another brownie, too. My huge trigger food. I knew I shouldn't have brought them into the house.

Friday, March 11, 2016

Bryan was supposed to go to this workforce thing yesterday and today. I'm not sure if it's a seminar or conference, but it's supposed to give him options for what he wants to do after high school, and here's the kicker...he gets PAID for it! So yesterday he made it through half the day, and today he planted his feet and crossed his arms and told me he wasn't going. What am I supposed to do? Dress my 18-year-old kid, force him into the car, and take him? So he didn't go. He lost out on money for an easy day of listening to what his options are after high school. I can't begin to tell you the disappointment that I felt. But if he's going to be happy working a fast food job, good on him. Someone has to do it. I just feel bad because he had such high hopes for his future, and he's realizing that the way to get to the end product is hard. But I have to let go and let God, because I cannot control this situation, and I cannot control my son. I can only pray for what's best for him and that God will guide his path, the way mine is being guided now.

*Just a side note, Bryan is not working a fast food job, but he is working in the kitchen at the school over the lunch hours.

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

It's getting to be that time of the year where all we think about right now is dance. Pictures are coming up. I have to purchase tights and a bun kit. (Tea's getting her hair colored before pictures, so I have to hold off on the bun kit.) Just these little things. But there's something different this year. The recital is a little later, and it's exactly one weekend after Bryan's graduation.

So I'm going to think about things as they come up. First, I'm getting Bryan through this spring break week. He's had lots of appointments and meetings. He gets driving privileges back at the end of the month, but Nick and I were talking that we'd let him take the car to college on Mondays and Wednesdays so that it's not too much of a chauffeuring job for me. Part of me thinks I need to drive him those first couple of classes; part of me really wants to trust him. I guess we'll see, since I'll be driving Tea to school anyway.

In the beginning of April I'll be concentrating on dance stuff. The t-shirt orders are due on the 7th, and pictures are the 11th and 12th. Thankfully, Tea's hair can be however she wants it for pictures, so we don't have to get the bun kit yet. I think I'm going to order a collage this year, seeing as how she's in 4 different dance classes. Even if she just wears the 3 costumes, that will still make a nice showing.

Sunday, March 6, 2016

I feel like life is going down the toilet again now that Mom has gone home. I'm having more anxiety attacks. My house is falling apart. I've picked up the smoking habit once more. I feel like they all tie into each other. My house falls apart, which gives me anxiety attacks, which makes me want to smoke to feel better. It's a mess. The kids are helping out with chores, but I'm so busy seeing what's not getting done. My living room looks like a bedding store exploded in there. I know it won't take much to clean it up, but I just feel paralyzed whenever I look into it.

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. That's how I need to look at getting things done. One small thing at a time.

Saturday, March 5, 2016

My mom left this morning. It was really nice to have her here with us this past week, and it wasn't as hard to see her go like it was the last time. That's an indication that I'm getting better. The increase in prozac must be working. Of course, my mom left and the whole house fell to shit. Nobody really kept a close eye on Matthew all day so he got to do pretty much whatever he wanted. He played in the sink and emptied out about half a bottle of Dawn dish washing liquid into little cups. He took a bottle of Tea's hair styling stuff out of the closet and proceeded to dump it, fill it up with water, and then dump the water all over the hallway in the upstairs area. Then he slipped on that. It sucked to clean up. It's probably the first time the floors upstairs have actually been scrubbed, too. I get such a kick out of watching Matthew do what he wants to do or whatever he's doing. The concentration on his face amazes me, and I just get such feelings of joy and love. I realize I'm creating a monster letting him do what he wants, but I also want him to be able to explore that part of him that creative and artistic.

I met with my new therapist on Friday, and I really like her. She's down-to-earth and she has a sense of humor. She seems like she's going to be easy to work with; like I've known her for awhile and she'll be easy to talk to. I'll also be able to set up appointments with my psychiatric nurse for the time slot before I see the therapist, so it'll work out well on saving me too many trips into Woodbury.

Kids are on spring break next week. I'm not really looking forward to having them home all week. Bryan does have a meeting with someone at the college on Monday, and then a work force meeting on Thursday and Friday. I don't know what direction that kid is headed for after high school just yet. I guess we'll see where the rest of high school takes him, and see if he can pass that college course that he's gotten so far behind on.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

My mom is here again this week. I'm still having a lot of "not wanting to get out of bed and cope like a normal human being" behavior issues, but I'm getting there. I meet with my PN Jill tomorrow, and we'll see what she has to say about how she thinks I'm doing from last week. At least I don't feel like I'm dead or like I want to be dead. There's something to be said for that.

I often wonder how we put in another addiction when we give up one addiction. Because I can totally see me replacing food with gambling. Over the weekend, my sister and I hit the casino. I lost bad, but I had such a good time doing it, and I just would have kept putting more and more money in if I had it. I can see me taking all my money each month and just going to the penny slots and blowing it. It's a better high than eating, which leaves me sick to my stomach. But gambling leaves me sick in another way, like knowing that I put money in a machine that I meant to use for buying milk and eggs, and now I have nothing for that.

Thursday, February 25, 2016

I quit DBT today. I told Jill that I just didn't want to do it, and I gave her an alternative to what I would do. I told her I'd see a therapist to work on my anxiety, and Jill prescribed some new meds to work on my anxiety, as well as prescribing Prozac to boost what I'm already on. I worry about going manic, but I know what to watch for. So I'll no longer be forced to DBT. I told her I may give it a try again after I've worked on my anxiety a bit, but we'll see.

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

I'm a hot mess today. I couldn't manage to make it to DBT today. I called in and tried to quit, but they didn't go for that. They told me that they'd excuse me for today, but to come in on Thursday and talk to my psychiatric nurse and see where to go from there. I'm a mess. I can't think about going there without crying. I keep having panic attacks. Part of me wonders, do I belong in the hospital, or do I just need to get away for a weekend? I guess we'll see after I talk to Jill tomorrow.

I keep trying to remember that I've made it through things much worse than this before. I've been suicidal, depressed, manic, etc. But this anxiety thing is something that I've never really experienced before. I mean, I've had my specific panic attacks over certain things - bridges, water, etc. But this is something new for me. It's like I have anxiety over everything. I can't breathe. It's awful.

Sunday, February 21, 2016

I look in the mirror everyday and think to myself, "Oh, my, God, you're so FAT!" I'm disgusted by what I see. I don't see beauty looking back at me anymore; I just see this pig. How did I let myself get this way? It hurts. It hurts to not be able to fit into clothes nicely. It hurts to run out of breath when climbing the stairs. It hurts to have to sit down and tug my foot up to me instead of bending down to tie my shoes. It hurts to have to try and hold my belly out of the way so I can shave my bikini line, then just give up in tears. And Nick wonders why I don't want him to touch me? I know they say that your man will love you through anything, but how can somebody love you when you don't love yourself?

Saturday, February 20, 2016

The anxiety is still getting to me. It was hard to see my mom go home. It's like my anxiety was kept at bay with her here, and now that she's gone, it's bad again. I don't know what I'm going to do when one day she no longer blesses us with her presence on this earth.

I'm trying to get back into a routine, though. Today I went to Target (the doors opened and the angels sang, and the building asked why I'd been away so long) to pick up some shampoo and other necessities. Nick and I also went to the gym. I have to admit I had an anxiety attack before going to Target. I just walked out of the house and it started. I sat in my car for awhile, then called me sister and talked until I calmed. Just acting like everything is normal seems to help.

I'm getting back to doing the steps for OA, too. I've finished with my resentments for step 4 and sent them off to my sponsor for step 5. Now I'll move on to fear for step 4. We're doing steps 4 and 5 together, which actually makes sense, because I don't feel overwhelmed doing them that way. I do one resentment at a time and send it off, and now I'll do one fear at a time and send it off. Before I start doing my fears, though, I'm going to take a little time to read in the Big Book, and I wanted to write some of this stuff down, what I'm doing, so I can be proud of myself for the steps that I'm taking. I feel like I'm just working in baby steps right now, and that's really all I can handle.

My sister and I are headed to Hinkley next weekend for our craft weekend. I'll be working on my Shutterfly books. This Wednesday, I'll be ordering up the last one of the ones that I had finished at our last craft weekend. They get expensive, so I try to wait for deals to order them. I hope to finish at least two more books on this crafting weekend. I think I'm up to 2013. I know I've got a ways to go, but it's fun to get away with my sister and work on stuff with her. I don't need much concentration to work on my books, so I can chat while working on them. It makes the time go by faster.

Friday, February 19, 2016

There have been good days and there have been bad. My mom's been here, which has been awesome. She came to spend the week and help me out, but she left today and now I'm just all torn up. I came to the realization that she's *old* and she's not going to be around as long as I'd like. My kids aren't going to know her forever. I didn't even think of taking pictures I was so out of it. Who knows when I'm going to see her again?

I didn't go to DBT group on Thursday. I came down with a case of intestinal something or other, which was probably nerves, because as the afternoon wore on, it became much better. I just don't want to go. I don't know why I'm so resistant to going this time. I just don't want to do any of it. I don't want to have to put up with the people that I don't know, I don't want to have to get to know the people, I don't want to accidentally get over-invested in their lives, I don't want to do all the work that gets me tired out, I don't want to come home to a family who doesn't understand how damn exhausting it is to be doing all that work. I just don't want any of it this time around.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

It's been a couple of days. A couple of days of madness locked up inside of my head, silent screams that won't come out, dreaming of ways of hurting myself that I can't bear to do because I'm too much of a wimp, wishing I were dead but knowing I'll live forever because I just want to be dead that bad.

I started another IOP adapted DBT program today. I don't want to be there. I just want to be curled up in bed and letting everyone else take care of things. But I know I can't let other people take care of me forever. Or maybe I could. What would be wrong with that?

Friday, February 12, 2016

I was doing so well yesterday. Instead of feeling like dying, I just felt dead inside. Nick and I met with Sue, who's the other psychiatric nurse where I get my care. He stood up for me and made it known that it would be ridiculous for me to get no care because they hide behind their "guidelines." They called a few hours later and offered me a spot in their ADBT program. It runs Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays from 1-4 pm. I'll be able to get Matthew on the bus Tuesdays and Thursdays before I go, and the kids or Nick can get him off, and then Holly will watch him on Mondays. I've done the program before, and it's helpful, when you can remember to use your skills. Anyway, last night I made jam, and I even laughed at something on tv. I considered it a successful day.

***I should just mention here that Nick really went to bat for me in this meeting with Sue. He got pretty riled up. There was talk of hospitalization and partial hospitalization for me, and he was having none of it. He went on about how they hide behind their rules and in the end I wouldn't go for any type of hospitalization, so I would just end up with no treatment if they didn't offer me their program. I haven't seen him stand up for me like this...ever.

So today I was hoping for another good day, maybe not even good but at least adequate, but instead I spent most of it curled up in bed wishing to die. Same old. And not even wishing to die this time, but maybe just disappear someplace where I could sleep away until these feelings are no longer ravaging my body and I can just be normal again.

My mom comes down in 3 days. I just keep counting those days. I feel like once my mom is here I can let loose and cry and she'll be here to understand like Nick and the kids can't. I need my mom.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

It's really great to feel like a failure in everything that you do. I can't raise my kids correctly. They either yell at me or ignore me. And then I end up scaring the crap out of them. I suck as a mother. I just want to crawl into a little hidey-hole and never come up. Never eat, never breathe, just never...

Tuesday, February 9 2016

It's days like today that I plan out my demise. I can't stand being alive, and I just want to go to the nothingness that is being dead. I had enough tonight when Matthew wouldn't let me change a poopy diaper (can we say breaking point) and left the house, no coat, no shoes, just the keys. I drove around for about an hour until I was cooled down to the point that I knew I could just go home. On that drive, part of me was considering going to the hospital and having them lock me up. The other part of me was considering jumping off one of the major bridges into the ice/freezing water. I don't know who I am right now. I don't know where I am or where I belong.

Monday, February 8, 2016

No, I don't want to go to the hospital, although I feel like maybe I should really be there. I called me mom today and asked if she could come down. She said she's going to find some time when she can make it down here. She's not sure when, but she's going to make it. I wish I could say it's a relief, but it feels like a promise that's going to be broken. I just need my mom so badly right now to let me know that everything is going to be alright.

Sunday, February 7, 2016

It's a dark day. It's been full of dark days lately. The anxiety won't go away and the depression won't seem to lift. I feel like a teenager, like only music understands me. I stood in the shower contemplating ways to hurt myself. So I soaked under the warm water and cried. I find it so hard to do anything except sleep. Last spring was like this, too. I don't know what it is about this time of year. Yes, I do.It's been 4 years since Tonia died. It's been 4 years since we lost the baby. Jaxon is 6 years old. And I don't care what his name is, he will always be Jaxon. Oh my God, my heart hurts so bad.

Friday, February 5, 2016

I am just so done with depression and anxiety and how little people understand, even when they've been through it themselves. Nobody's experience is the same. I can't pretend to know that I understand what you've gone through. I can sympathize, but I don't know.

Parenting is really hard right now. I laid in bed for about 10 minutes listening to Matthew calling for me to open up the gate. Finally he was like, "Mommy, ew!" and I knew I had to get up because I couldn't leave him in a poopy diaper. If someone else could've taken care of it, I would've continued to lay in bed.

I had a hard night last night. I tried talking to my mom, but even she couldn't get me through it. Normally my mom can get me through anything. But the tears just kept flowing. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm not good enough, like I'm a rotten mother, like I'm a fatty, like nothing I do will ever compare up to what other people do. I've given up on everything.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Mental illness and parenthood. It's really kicking my butt right now. I feel like a horrible parent. I'm going through a lot of anxiety, and depression is sneaking it's way up on me, too. I can't stand the anxiety. It's makes me incapable of taking care of my children. Matthew is just too much to take care of right now. He's just being his three-year-old self, and I feel like he's doing everything he can to drive me through the roof. Today I knew I had to keep him safe, so I put him in his room. When I went up there to get him, he had totally trashed it. So now I get to clean that up. I think what I'm going to do, however, is take all the shirts that are hung up and put them into drawers. When he gets dressed, he never picks his clothes off the hangar anyway.

Tea is being a less than grateful child right now. She seems to want new stuff all the time. In the meantime, I've gotten so fat that I can't fit into any of my clothes, so I spent $50 on Goodwill clothes for me. She can't understand why I would spend that money on her so that she could have a new outfit for the dance coming up.I'm so tired of being put behind my kids. I feel like they're old enough that I can start putting myself first, and it's really not that much to ask that I can wear something besides pajama pants every day. And I realize that girls Tea's age are selfish, but I just don't know how much more I can take.

And I'm so sick of being fat.I can't bend over to put on shoes. I lose my breath trying to have sex. I stumble and fall when I try to put on pants. It's a herculean effort to put on socks. I used to hate clothes because they made me look bigger and I enjoyed the way I looked naked in the mirror; now I don't even enjoy that. I just want to stay curled up in bed with the covers over my head.

My psychiatric nurse says that I should see a therapist. What are they going to do? I've already been given all the tools to deal with all my problems. I know all about mindfulness, distress tolerance, and all that jazz. I take out the paperwork again and again to go over it and see what I'm missing, but I'm doing everything. I use my color books for when I'm stressed. I'm just so frustrated.

I'm doing steps 4 and 5 in my 12 step work right now, so that's taking up some time, and maybe that's why I'm feeling so crappy. It's bringing up a lot of garbage feelings that I'm not sure what to do with, and it's making my everyday life hard to deal with.

Sunday, January 31, 2016

I have had one hell of a time working my program over the weekend. There's something to be said for staying at home and being in your own home to eat. I've had so much soda and junk food. We went to Sammy's last night for Nick's birthday dinner, and since I don't like their pizza, I got ravioli. There was enough for two people and I ate it all! I'm so disgusted with myself. I can't wait to just start new and try to make a plan for eating. Three meals a day, one day at a time. That's how I'm going to try to work things.

I really like the sponsor that I'm working with. She takes me really deep into the work and makes sure I understand what we're doing. I love it. It's like having homework again, which I loved in college. So I am excited to have a sponsor who gives me homework. I miss school. I miss doing homework.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

I've been having a lot of anxiety attacks lately. They hurt. I can't breathe, my chest is all tight, I can't stop the tears from flowing down my face, and I feel like running, yet I can't manage to take a step forward. It's awful. My mom helps a lot though. If I can get to the phone and make a call to her, she talks to me like we're having just some boring conversation about every day life, and it gets me into a mode where I'm not concentrating on how much I'm panicking and instead am concentrating on the calmness of her voice and the mundane things that we're talking about (do I want the cake made before we come up, or do I want to make it myself? Just stuff like that). So now I sit here and practice breathing deeply, and Nick has lavender diffusing almost 24/7.

I've been doing a lot of OA reading and trying to bury myself in that. I have a sponsor now, and I'm trying to do the homework that she gave me. However, I'm super tired right now, and I think all I want to do is sleep for a couple of hours.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Our OA meetings in town have been small to non-existent, so I've started attending on-line meetings. I got a sponsor on-line, and she's given me an "assignment" to do to get started. I also want to go to Hazelden and get some OA literature. I want the Brown Book, the 12 and 12, and the Workbook. I'd like to get For Today, but I'm wondering if I can buy it cheaper off the group. Right now I'm holding on to the literature for the group, and it's nice to be able to read For Today and the other daily meditation book each day. I also read a Family Devotions book each day that we got for Christmas. I just need something to keep me going. I also want to subscribe to Lifeline magazine, which they call a meeting on the go. I really like those magazines, too.

Matthew's teacher, Ms. Ashley, will no longer be teaching anymore in his class. Something stupid about she gave a kid a natural consequence and the mother flipped her lid, and Ashley was told she could resign or be fired. How are kids supposed to learn if they don't have natural consequences? Anyway, we're rallying around her, and I sincerely hope that they give her her job back. The helicopter parent that threw a fit can just change schools, as far as I'm concerned.

In the beginning of February our insurance changes to Health Partners. I went over our prescription formulary to see if all of our drugs were covered. All of them are under formulary, most at the mid-expensive generic cost. We do have some at the least-expensive generic cost, so that'll be nice. Now I just have to figure out if it'll be cheaper to get them mail order or pharmacy in store.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

I know I'm fat. It's really not a big secret. Anybody looking at me knows it. I know I have a problem with food. It's the reason I go to OA. What I really don't need are comments from the peanut gallery about how food needs to be hidden from me and rationed out to me. It's insulting and humiliating, and it just makes me want to eat even more. This battle is hard enough without people who understand. It would be nice not to be put down during a difficult process.

Today is Bryan's 18th birthday. I can't believe that I have a son who is officially an adult. I'm not quite sure where he's going with his life yet, because we've protected him this far in life, but we'll see where he goes. He started two college courses this semester in school, and that's something big for him. He'll start getting a social security check made out to him and sent to him starting next month until he graduates. He's going to have to figure out how to save some of the money and stretch the rest of the money out so it lasts. I'm hoping that by June/July, he'll have enough saved up for a deposit on an apartment, even if he doesn't move out right away.

Monday, January 11, 2016

I'm at a loss as how to get Matthew to fall asleep on his own. He needs to snuggle with one of us in our bed until he falls asleep. I'd like to get him to fall asleep in his own bed without somebody in the room. He used to do that. Then he stayed at the IL's and was snuggled to sleep every night, and I haven't been able to break it since. I understand the concept of snuggling a child to sleep, but I miss time spent with Nick. We used to go to bed the same time as Matthew. It gave us time to talk to each other without kids in the room. Now we never talk. If I snuggle Matthew to sleep, I'm usually sleeping before Nick comes upstairs. If Nick snuggles Matthew to sleep, I usually come upstairs so late that I'm exhausted and just fall into bed, ready for sleep.

Bryan started his college courses today, and I really hope that he learns a lot. The ones we picked out for him have to do with learning how to do things in the real world - filling out job applications, W2s, etc. I know that he's going to need all the help he can get with some of this stuff. When he left this morning, he didn't even have his schedule. I hope that he had a good morning, and that it went better than it was going when he went out the door.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

I can't handle Matthew waking up in the middle of the night anymore. He usually wakes up somewhere in the 3 o'clock hour. It's driving me batty. I'm not the most patient person in the middle of the night, especially when he's screaming that he wants to go downstairs, and I'm trying to tell him that he needs to go back to bed because it's the middle of the night. I actually spanked him tonight, because he wouldn't calm down. It got him to calm down, but then I felt so bad that I asked for God's forgiveness. Honestly, though, I don't know of any other way I would've gotten him to calm down. He was screaming at the top of his lungs and just going wild. The spanking gave him something else to concentrate on. So I left him in his room, calmer, and came downstairs. Since the dogs heard me up, they wanted outside. I let them out, and now I'm awake, watching South Park, and I'm hoping to find sleep again sometime before the dawn.

I feel like since Matthew's been home from daycare, I'm just not a good mother. Of course, I felt like that when he was at daycare, too. When he was at daycare, I felt like I wasn't spending enough time with him, and that bothered me,  but I also had a hard time spending time with him. Now that he doesn't go to daycare, I spend almost ALL my time with him. He's constantly hanging on me. It's very seldom that I'm without him. I try to keep patience with him throughout the day, and I think I do a pretty good job, so when it comes to waking up with him at night, I tend to not be as patient. I feel like I'm just empty. All of my patience has been used, and I need to recharge through sleep, but it keeps getting interrupted. I have older kids I need to have patience with as well. I really need to sleep. So why am I awake at 3:44 in the morning blogging?

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Yesterday I sent my baby to school on the bus. It broke my heart, and I cried. Matthew started afternoon Early Childhood classes, and I decided to have him ride the bus. I just didn't realize how hard it was going to be. He's so little still. He rides a short bus, though, which makes it a little easier.

Nick's temper has been flaring at random times lately and scaring the crap out of me. I know that he's in pain, but I don't like how he takes it out on the rest of us. I've been in tears more often lately because of his behavior, and I don't like it. I don't know what to say to him, though, that he'll take me seriously. I don't like how he treats the older kids, and I really fear that he's going to start treating Matthew badly. I'm at a loss as to what to do.